Everyones love is important, past the point of getting voices nothing can be done. So to receive unwanted pressure in life, to benefit, take care of, influence, or protect anyone, if Im in harms way, then that defeats the purpose of liking anyone, or kindly acknowledging anyones interest in making me look insecure, or try to make me look jealous, or not loved, and that’s how one becomes mentally disturbed by rejections in life. Although I may sound smart, that doesn’t mean that I deserve to be hurt, or for anyone to play with my heart, make me like them, then cause me pain, as though I do not value their time and attention too. In that case it is best for me to stay home, be compliant with meds, do my best as a blogger, and wait a year to apply for jobs again, or continue to try to detox off all meds, and apply to the military. That doesn’t mean that I have not valued my experiences thus far, there comes a point in life, when you no longer wish to be hurt, and that’s the controversy, everyone feeling good and you not feeling good, then expecting you to make others feel good, or include anyone in your life, as though you have energy, time, and attention to spare, to be treated as someone who is not there for others, to see how you respond when no one is there for you. So its not the gay issues and the perversion that’s in question, its the future potential of someone, geared toward what end, becomes the basis for mistreatment of you, as though you have some illogical sense of purpose in life, or cannot fulfill a role in which you are made to be admired or be there for others in a professional way. So its not men or women that are interfering with this potential, it will be my freedoms that are put into jeopardy, if I get mental illness, or if anyone in my life, coming into my life, or made to be exposed to my life feels like they have not benefited in some extraordinary way by knowing me or meeting me in life. Not all will feel the benefit from knowing you, mostly others who expect you to do well in life, and for you to be at peace in the event that you are ignored or rejected, there is no “fair weather,” then to get to in life, to make everything okay for anyone who is not made to be happy with you, and that’s what success is about. So while blogging may not seem like a challenging use of my time, its been a very challenging road and uphill battle to stay coherent, and supportive without letting any voices convince me that Im a “gay pervert,” or demoralized on the basis of who is admired or beloved “women,” or be threatened by any mans interest in making another woman feel good, by making an example of me as “reject.” And that’s how respect occurs and rejections there will be a set up, two compatible people, one with a high likelihood of liking the other, then for one to open up in a loving way, then the rejection follows, everyone admired except for me. So while it may be funny for people to like me, see me be loving, then feel rejected or tormented, friendship is not the answer to my problems of being loved or getting a job, and being diagnosed as mentally ill does not free places of employment for making me look guilty on as prescribed. I am currently working on not taking any meds, its clear that it has become a complicated road of who is upset about what, who has what and why, who has potential and who does not, who is smart, or who is struggling, who is married, who has families, who does not have a job and is single and unattached, and then it follows for respect to be asserted to individuals on the basis of the opportunity and promise they have for the future. I think with a job I will be treated better than not having a job, that friends or a boyfriend cannot change for me, so if Im hysterically crying, its that Im doing my best, no one is talking to me, no one is advising me, no one is supporting me, and no one is helping me, and that’s not because of my blog, or my sexuality that anyone has to be distant toward me, if someone cant be nice to me and speak to me professionally, then its about a continued rapport or relationships, people just want to meet you and talk to you, but no one wants to stay in your life, and that’s the enamored delusion.
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