blogging

It Starts with a Disbelief …

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I think most anyone is human enough to tell when something is wrong, and that’s the difficult part of having mental health issues, the instability, and the reliance on anyone for stability, companionship, or acceptance, and in my case post-punishment, prove myself worthy of trust or companionship, so if you cant be yourself, no surprises are necessary for sizing up someone on the basis of the medications they take discriminate them. Most the meds I take are for not being able to fall asleep, being made upset when someone wants something from me like (to get a job, to be loving, attention and response, or impatience upset by me) and that’s my instability. Most stability is about making those around you feel at ease, so if there is anything about your story, that doesn’t seem believable, that will be the basis for mistaking your niceness for fakeness, or your intelligence for unaffected, or being sweet as being stupid, or pretending. You can only live life once, and we may not get it right each time, and there are always feelings hurt in any loving relationship, so if you have to prove yourself to them, think is it worth my time, and if they seem like they are over you, then it will be when you move on that they attack you like they need you, then think they have a bigger hand than you try to intimidate you by taunting, then make you sound stupid, explaining to everyone why you are scared. I don’t think Ive ever made fun of anyones sexuality, body, or voice before, but it just so happens that that is something others want from me, then make fun of me, and treat me like I want things in life I cannot have let alone people, Im not that desperate, and I also cannot have anything I want either. Maybe took it too far shopping, and that’s because once you become known, every detail counts. I preferred blogging quotes, I was never insulted and made to not write quotes. (Re: Billie Eilish) and was always a fan of her music, it also happens to be songs meditated on then choreographed, to make me seem like Im living a song or a movie and need to be taught a lesson. I think its easy to be made scared or treated as guilty, and I don’t think its okay for someone to take it upon themselves to attack me personally in private then in public make me look like Im not beautiful or they are entering a world that is not stable looking at me, and that’s how you get schizophrenia, they enter your world, they don’t think anything special of it, then they convince you you are something you are not for negative attentions, then without anyone telling you everyone thinking something negative about you, and then that’s everyones indifference thereforward toward you, its not that they don’t need you, its that they think they are better than you and think that you need them, that’s why I started a blog, no Im not gay, but I also have to explain to anyone that everyone thinks Im gay, or have masculine traits, and that’s how I get treated, so they know how small I am on the inside, and that because of how Im treated, Im also not a female figure to be in their life who can help them to be strong, usually someone that others put down, or try to make jealous, or like what I like, seems to be the pattern for loss. Eventually you grow out of phases in life, unfortunately anyone who thinks less of you is like a non-stop train coming at you, who will not stop until you fall off center or become mentally ill and I don’t think that schizophrenia is the appropriate diagnosis, for others having me wrong. So the difficulty is not being able to negotiate with someone who pretends to like me then is mean to me, insults me, then thinks that Im supposed to pretend like everything is okay and Im not being hurt in private, and that does not illustrate how abuse happens through me or to others, if I want to announce to the whole world that I am not in a relationship with someone who is married who is treated me like a slut, then that’s them wanting to appear good by making me look bad, then because of my clothes and makeup and law degree, treat me like I have it easy, I lose everything my cars, my house, my apartments, my JD, boyfriends, and friends, so please don’t treat me like I have it good in life, and if I am doing well that’s for everyones sake not just me. And that’s how you are later understood in life, and can write in front of #laxcourthouse everyday. No one is allowing for anyone to take anything personally in a vague way.

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