blogging, music, negative judgment

What 10/23 was Like …

Last Saturday I had the privilege of attending #wecansurvive, featuring: The Kid Laroi, Shawn Mendes, Maroon 5, Doja Cat, The Black Eyed Peas, and Coldplay. It was the first festival Ive ever attended, if “The Sprite Tour” in high school doesn’t count with Pharrell Williams “Nerd.” I remember buying a trucker hat that’s now gone missing, I wore on our high school class trip to Canada, when sneakers and sweatpants weren’t in style, the Juicy Couture days. I actually drove my brother’s blue M3 to the concert with my underclassman soccer friend, she shouted you passed it! There was a huge sign that said “The Sprite Tour,” on an open highway, I must have really not been paying attention, that was fun, I don’t remember by now. I haven’t been to the Hollywood Bowl since I was a kid, I used to attend frequently in the summers with my Father who had season tickets and a box, so I remembered the fireworks, so was so excited when at the end of the concert they had fireworks, reminded me of when I was a kid. Live music is hard to keep up with all the tour dates, you kind of have to be a big fan to follow, they kept mentioning it on the radio, then my sister asked if I wanted to go, after a week or so, we finally were both convinced to go, despite COVID variants, I just got tested, negative, so we survived #wecansurvive. Still need to get the Pfizer booster shot, but Im vaccinated, we had to show our proof of vaccination cards upon entering. Handed a plastic wristband, and told it was for Coldplay, how we all lit up at the end, that was a beautiful touch, saves the headache of coordinating iPhone flashlights, no Leslie that’s not how its done, the secrets of the concert goers experience. I was comforted to hear that the concert was dedicated in support of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Ive attended one March back in October 2020, I sat in the tent displayed by Brady who I have been in touch with since 2015, I think when I first became a blogger, micro-blogger on Twitter, I didn’t really have a sound purpose for writing, so finding an organization to support alongside writing made sense, it seemed to be the thing on Facebook, when friends share a link to a non-profit they support and need help raising money for the cause that they support, I highly doubt that anyone thought to post flyers down Sunset and Hollywood blvd, Im not sure what got into me at that point, maybe just had too much time on my hands, and probably cared too much, Im sure I wasn’t the only traumatized law student, distracted from my studies, wanting to know what was going on amongst the younger generations and all the school violence, flew to DC, and sat with #scotus. That’s not relatable at all, we never grew up with the constant disturbance of violence in the news, or at least we were more immune to it, compared to the way things are now. I have been having crying spells lately, Im not sure what it is, maybe the later onset of mental health issues, that seemed to get worse, over the past 5 years, otherwise successful as a blogger, and law student, finally moving forward in life, things seemed to be smooth sailing, until COVID, must be the stress of being couped up, or the ample time in distress that gives way to upsets lefts and right, Im sure we will get through these phases in life, we get through most things, I watched a few minutes of the new #meta project by Facebook, its hard to believe that they will be changing their company name, but that makes sense, life goes on, so while youre here, what will you be contributing to the overall picture that we are making of our lives as they are, and what we plan to focus on moving forward. Hopefully not the hurt. Attending the concert was a very heartwarming experience, Im sure Im not the only one left in the afterward zen of the moment, to go from homebound to concert packed of adoring fans, me being one of them, theres so much love in music, a sudden contrast to recent developments in the film industry, who has become more obliged to change laws concerning firearms on set, which I think would be a good change, they mentioned all the technological advancements made in film that would not require them to be faced with the risks inherent in using live firearms in motion pictures. [1] So what can we do as fans? Be supportive! Everyone is fighting battles that you may know nothing about, that’s one of quotes over the years that has always stood out to me, as someone who shares everything, it “really makes you wonder” as Maroon 5 would say, who keeps things to themselves anyways nowadays, we share pictures of our food, it seems like everything you do in life is worth sharing about, or maybe its just the loneliness of the moment being alone, aw. When I started therapy I used to think, how can I maximize the time that I spend with a paid therapist, when I first started I could barely talk for the whole hour, I didn’t have a lot to say, when it comes to problems its not inherent to a therapy setting that you are forced to talk about whats wrong with you, if your defensive like me, or bipolar, it can feel like things are happening to you, but like with most recovery programs, such as AA, you are trained to think about your part, what was it that you were doing with your life that caused you to have such and such experience, and what can you do moving forward to be more consciously aware of the choices that you make so that you don’t suffer the same consequences in the future. I would hate to think that we live in this violent and harsh world, maybe that’s why Im a blogger, one of the people who refused in hell and high water, to be scared of the world, and hide behind a shall of ultra privacy, as though privacy alone can protect you from the rest of the world, at some point I think its important to start the conversations that are hard to think of when words don’t come to mind, to me that’s therapy, having nothing to say, some days having a lot to say, and some days just wanting to end early, not able to carry a conversation for an hour. I think being a quiet person means that I think a lot, I think being a blogger, doesn’t necessarily make me a talker, it makes me a writer, I don’t think that will ever change about me, needing to be the center of anyones attention, if anything, I make others the center of my attention supportive, Ive always been that way, whether its having a best friend, or a crush, no one ever really took the spotlight over anyone, we all admired each other equally, and that’s how it should be, supportive. When are we compelled to speak our mind, I think whenever something is bothering you or boiling deep in your conscious, whether that’s an upset, or something you have no control over, talking about things is a way to have some control over a situation that can feel out of control and stressful, the only difficulty being, not wanting to stress others out through your own discussions about life and experiences, it requires a careful balance. -So do your best, still not sure about my outfit to #wecansurive, I actually bought an outfit to wear, I think I was way too dressed up, it was more casual than I expected. I start my life coaching certificate on Monday, Ive been considering applying since finishing up law school last July 2020, the next step … where to go from here, I wouldn’t consider it a complete career change, I think it would just be accepting, the years missed in training to work in law, and stay in my comfort zone helping others through blogging and writing, which is what Im used to comfortable doing by now, after all these years, and get certified to work one-on-one with clients. That’s my current goal. Life isn’t perfect, and Im sure in all the years that I have been experimental with my image and reputation online, has not always presented the most organized version of myself, I don’t think it was until I started distributing my work and keeping track of my stats, that I became someone of noticeable interest online, everything takes time, still learning. That’s the thing with blogging, unless you are continuing your education, you cant really grow, you have to be consistent and disciplined, the more you read, the more you learn, the more you have to share, and the quality of your work improves over time, as you make progress as a blogger, that doesn’t always add up in dollar signs, I don’t think that the reward in blogging is about money, for me its about monthly views and my alexa rank, is something I was really proud to achieve over the past two years, that took a lot of hard work and effort on my part, to establish an identity online as a writer, and be someone I hope that others could rely on, to hear from, alongside their own journies in life, so making the step to become a certified life coach, would be placing more responsibility on my part, to not only be someone who is going through something, and able to get out of difficulty in a public way sharing online, and be of service helping others whether they are going through the same thing, or recently having overcome a difficulty can relate, hope to continue to be a sounding board to others, whether that’s someone who sees me as having mental health issues, whether that’s someone who has not experienced mental health issuses and cant tell what is wrong with me or what was wrong with me, we all find eachother in different places in life, and we all hopefully wont be in the same place in life indefinitely, I think we all have the potential to outgrow minor disturbances, setbacks, disappointments, and unreasonable expectations of ourselves and others, hopefully there can be an expanded stage of growing acceptances of one another, and reserve the privacy of our pasts, to also be accepted parts of us, that others don’t have to live with, but can leave those parts of you alone, before you became confident, or successful, we all outgrow immaturity and growth curves, that happens to all of us, being comfortable with who we are and where we are. So going to a concert was a huge step for me, after being treated for schizophrenia May 1-17th and again in July 2021 with clozapine, Ive just decided to discontinue Invega, which I have been taking for 3 months, Ive been very tired during the day, gained 20lbs, and wake up constantly at night with nightmares, just starting a new med today for nightmares, and anxiety med. So life isn’t perfect, I wish that I was not going through something so difficult emotionally and physically, but as it turns out, not everything is about you, and that’s the phase that Im in now, where talking about what I go through is not as important as being there for others, there comes a point when others will be in denial of the seriousness of your condition, and that’s okay, if people are not willing to accept that you have disability, or because of the meds you take not be understanding, of the time it takes to overcome a deficit, then figure out how to keep going, without the heaviness and the weight of being treated as a difficult person to think about, I think its just as heartbreaking to be considered someone difficult to think about, as it is to imagine that there is some other perfect world, that youre not well enough to be included in, that’s simply isn’t true. If we could all be a little less judgmental of one another, then there will be a little less pressure in assuming that things are supposed to be a certain way or that people are supposed to sound and look a certain way, in order for them to be considered normal, this conforming to normal pressure is excruciating tiring to keep up to standard, I wish it wasn’t something that was constantly being diagnosed about me, especially by anyone who is not going through what Im going through in life, we are not all doctors, and if youre not a doctor, its really not necessary to hold a negative judgement of someone simply because they aren’t at ease, smiling, or at peace whether that’s in photo or career wise, since when is that the required norm for acceptances by successful people, I think you just have to be someone who doesn’t threaten their health, which is the misunderstanding of people with mental health issues, that their stress, or their disability, is going to stress you out, or be weighing on you, or of controversy, or embarrassment, to talk about, how do you think that I feel? At least you have people to talk to about me, I have no one to talk to about me, no one to say you sound like youre doing better, no one to tell me how things were compared to how things are now, and no one to say, you know things were well when things were this way with you, or things are now not well, based on where you are in life, or what meds you are taking. If only we didn’t have to keep track of so much just to be, then being ourselves would be that much easier to just live life, and let most of what bothers us go. How important is it for people to keep track of our bad days, a moment not well, or a personal difficulty shared and later overcome, how much of that damage in our lives is supposed to take a permanent toll on us. It doesn’t make sense to me that we are expected to know by the time we are strong, what it was that we put up with when we were weak, I think that’s really common place, to feel that way, before you have fully recovered, to feel pressured, or stressed, because you don’t feel good, and that you aren’t the way you need to be to be a fully functioning, independent adult, you’ll get there, we all know that since people aren’t around forever, that means that the more days we show up for ourselves in life, and stop waiting on acceptances from others, the better off we’ll be, and that’s the start of being your independent self again, when you respond less to criticism, and stay afloat and continue to improve, that’s not proving anyone wrong, its not allowing the subject of the conversations or criticism to take its toll on your current being and ability to outgrow previous conditions, when you didn’t feel like yourself, no one should be judged for not being a powerhouse, or having a strong presence about them, or a powerful image or person to mention or talk about having known in life, that much should not be expected of anyone, to make what they have gone through okay or understandable, go to such great lengths, to make sure that no one is affected by your downs in life, be accepted in any condition that youre found in. And that’s the issue, whether its what youre going through affected you, or just you, and the extent to which what youre going through affects others, and that’s the point at which things are not about you, and about others, and that will always be a sensitive subject in anyones life, who has been through a lot, what have you been through compared to what someone else has gone through, and whether discussion of what you have been through is in any way insensitive or not with acknowledgment of what others have gone through without mention, stated in a way, that resonates with anyone listening, doesn’t feel like you don’t recognize or also affected, should what you go through affect others. And that’s why people who seek attention are criticized, which is a key attribute of from what Ive read about self-harmers or people who become suicidal, doing things for attention, and that’s not what blogging is, feeding into an addiction, or delusion, that its through attentions positive or negative that a quality about you is responded to, to fix a deficit that lies within you, that needs to be acknowledged by another, I think that is the type of dynamic that can be annoying or offensive, that someone views you as calling attention to yourself, with nothing important to say, or calling attention to issues, that are personal and not in the best interests of most to talk about, that’s being treated as mentally ill, someone who doesn’t make sense, or is complicated in a way that means that there is some disease of their mind, that they see things in a way, that only affects them, or without recognition of how life affects or impacts others, it’s the selfish viewpoint of a person with mental illness, is how someone is treated if they have addiction, meaning not thinking of others, or doing things to feel good, which is a critical viewpoint of someone who blogs, who you also attribute negative terminology to, and if it were that way, then I would not be a popular blogger, if I was someone who made people feel obliged, or not good about themselves, no matter how I identify my problems, no problem specifically identifying a type of person or situation that causes harm to me, that would be taking ownership of my problems, which is what AA teaches you to do, not to blame others, for your difficulties in life. So that’s the catch, on one hand you are expressing yourself, and being open about what you think, and on the other hand you are being identified by others, and picked apart on the basis of whether what you have to say builds for more understanding and acceptances, or whether you are someone who cannot be empathized with by designation of AA, considered a product of addictions or mistakes, and maybe that’s my difficulty, with not being accepting of people who are hard on me and not completely willing to accept that that’s a tolerable way of going about life, being treated like I think wrong, or do things wrong, and therefore declared mentally ill, disorganized and not right minded, to me that’s a terrible way to live life, going by others, or left to wait on what people think not be sure of yourself, eventually you have to get back to a place where you are a good decision maker, a positive thinker, and have faith, that no matter how things go for others in life, they aren’t going to turn around and based on your diagnoses, claim that their thinking or feelings are coming from you, we are all responsible for the feelings and emotions that are generated within us, and its not because of peoples problems that we are left feeling broken or left with disease, that we cant identify or manage, I think having some immunity to mental health issues, starts with being positive toward ourselves and others, and if there is a condition that is noticeably wrong with them, not leave to their own, that’s not how you tell someone that there is something wrong with them, by not telling them what is wrong with them, or expecting that conversation to be had with people, asking for identification of what is wrong with them, that’s not how life is supposed to be, if we don’t feel sick, then who is anyone to tell us that we are sick, or that what we have to say is unintelligent, or disorganized and doesn’t make sense, never on a good day, have I ever expected for anyone to tell me that Im not good enough, you know if you aren’t impressed with a person, if you don’t know them, and if you cant identify what it is that they have to say is intelligent or unique, than that’s you using your judgement cap, and that’s how some people live their lives, in non-acceptance of others, and see themselves as smart, and that’s totally okay to have high self-esteem, no one expects for you to be considered the bad guy, should someone you know not be doing well in life, and that’s mental health, don’t make it your problem, and likewise, don’t blame those with mental health issues, for your deficits in understanding of their condition as lying within them, difficult as is to accept, its not just you. 



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