blogging, conversations, feelings

When’s Not a Good Time …

You know that feeling when you get in trouble, or when you are meant to feel embarrassed or ashamed, Im sure we have all been there, when it may be meant for us to hang our heads low, feeling as though we are losing in life, but I promise you that the feeling will pass. The past two years were very tumultuous for me, usually with mental health issues, Im running everday, hyper, loving, but for some reason it was especially hard during COVID, given unusual circumstances, and Im sure it wasn’t just me, limited to being online, or talking to people you don’t know in real life, maybe that’s apart of the territory, being a blogger. Theres a difference between talking to everyone, and talking to people in private, and its in private when you become vulnerable, either someone not wanting to know you well, or getting to know you, and rejecting you to your face, as someone who is not normal, and that’s the most hurtful part of opening up. I think I am different, in that I take life way to seriously, and very hard on myself, and almost to my own expense, things become more difficult, and more stressful, and whats not usually a problem in real life, becomes an even bigger problem if discussed out loud, and sometimes things get better. I think you accomplish the most soul searching, when you are talking amongst people you don’t feel judged by, and when you talk amongst people who don’t think you are being too much. I think as a writer, you are accustomed, to being viewed as being hyper or verbose, and I don’t see writing as being that way, I think it’s a gift if you are able to communicate whats going on in your head, and for that to be read to another, and understood in either the same way you intend for it to make sense, or making sense to them in a completely different way. That’s your choice as a reader to understand or comprehend what is written in your own way, and maybe that’s just me as a person, not worried what other people think, that doesn’t stop the disability in hearing voices, and hearing what others have to say, which can make it an extremely painful experience, if Im not comfortable, to be blogging online. It seems like the more uncomfortable you are the harder it is to be in public, be around people, let alone talk to a group of people by hashtags and groups, some you know (facebook) and some you don’t know (instagram and twitter). Everyones going through something different, so when I say “when is it not a good time,” it means use your best judgment, in terms of reading people out, whether you are the speaker, or the listener, sometimes it’s a good time to talk, and sometimes it’s a good time to listen, and sometimes listening is hard, and just gives you a headache, and talking does the same for me sometimes. What are conversations for, conversations are for updating others on how we are doing, and getting back in touch with people to see how they are doing, now that makes sense, connecting with people. It seems connecting is for checking on one another, to see how one another is feeling, and I guess that blogging serves the same function, although I think its easier to hear from others, than it is to be on the other side of the coin, communicating to others. Communicating can be painful, it can be tiring, you could be feeling rejected, it could be nerve wracking, you could not know whats going on, you could be feeling tense, or misread a situation, or not know how the other is feeling, Im talking about not hearing from people. Its not the most reassuring experience. It requires a lot of guess work on your end to be comfortable with how a conversation is going, let alone how the other person is feeling, you will later learn will be based on how you are feeling, is how the other person will be feeling, which is why to only discuss things that you are comfortable talking about, and based on how you are feeling is how the other will feel. 

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