self-love

Change of Plans …

Still overcoming symptoms, (voices), but its getting better each day, the voices become more and more faint, its not shouting in my head, and limited to just hearing people talking about me, trying to figure me out, or guess whats wrong with me. Im assuming that if you are not feeling well, or in a bad place, that would not be a good time for people to think about you, likewise if you are being loving with someone, or in a romantic relationship, that’s not how most people want to see you either, or share those joys in life, whatever that giggling and hyper is, its usually not normal to have funny feelings and be light hearted when you need to be serious, so theres a time and place for everything, not always for expanding the horizons of acceptance from others in terms of your likes, or who youre attracted to. Whoever you like, be proud of them, and the rest should follow, and if you have to commit to someone, be a dedicated partner in life, and don’t get distracted in talking to others that usually ruins things moving forward, especially when a relationship is new and you are getting to know eachother, others don’t necessarily feel insulted by your non attention or inability to form an intimate loving or jovial friendship with them, its hard to be close to more than one person at a time, at least that’s how I am, focus on one person at a time. I have been trying to incorporate friendships with exes recently, but have experienced difficulty, either Im not able to accept the past and what I went through, or still feeling hurt that I was not well enough then for matrimony and not well enough now for it, or so it seems. You can improve, but the meds stay the same, and it really puts limitations on me, in terms of how I feel and how I seem to others, just trying to be a balanced person, even if the past involved a lot of fighting and sides taken, you never really feel like anyones on your side when youre not doing well, that’s the hard part about revisiting the past, you either move on and are not bothered by them, but maybe its best not to go backwards if it brings up old feelings of inferiority or frustration, and failure, those were a tough couple of years, and it may never be the same for me, all I know is that Im 36 now, so I have to move forward, and I cant afford to get sick, and just need to live a positive life, sober and now with disability, not let that affect anything more than it needs to, just be positive, get along with others, make friends, and be welcome to old friends and exes. I have not been blogging as much this year because of new meds, and not as much recently, because I am resting and working toward starting a new job, one job did not work out, the paid job at Interrogating Justice, which I was saddened by, but Im sure there was a very competitive applicant pool so Im happy that I was even selected to write and receive a paycheck, that was a blessing, one step in the right direction past disability. My Father almost died a couple weeks ago and was hospitalized, he has been struggling with cancer and is now on palliative care, so that was devastating news, for him to now not be doing well, so was visiting him in the hospital everyday for 2-3 hours since the end of January. Life goes by fast, so that was a lot to take in, all the years I was not doing well, when I was struggling and not moving forward, and what was keeping me from being my usual overachiever self, performing in life, that was a tough version of me to become, someone who is not doing anything in life, that has never been me, but I guess I never completely adjusted to being on meds, other than through blogging, is when I have been the most active and going in life, something to do, despite the pressure to apply and get a job at a law firm, which if not recovered from mental health issues, can be physically exhausting and mentally exhausting to work the hours, and stay on schedule, you get tired. I used to have crying spells hitting my head and my Father would encourage me to not give up and to continue applying for jobs, reminding me that everyone goes through difficulty, and that Im not the only one with problems, a lot of people take meds, its not important to talk about it, or to see myself as disabled, and always saw me in a paid position, theyre just hard to get for some reason, especially when you don’t have work experience paid, Ive only worked an $8/hr job once in law school, the rest of the jobs I got were in public service work, maybe why I enjoy blogging helping others, and not in a paid position. Life always gets stressful, as of now not as depressing as it was in bed all day, I just started long distance running again, I haven’t ran for 1hr 40mins since 2020, battling harassment, which was difficult for me, I now have a therapist and new psychiatrist who are helping me, so I don’t have to read into that too much in life and get hurt or sick thinking about how was I not pleasing this person or making this person happy and why am I required to take care of this person, please them or make them happy, why should I tolerate being screamed at and why in the reverse if Im not tolerant of them do I get attacked as though Im not being accepting of them, I don’t judge others, but if others don’t get the version of me that they want they think its being given to someone else, and its not when I am done, Im alone, Im resting, Im thinking, I need to be alone, there is no one in place of a person in my life who I have bonded with that another person becomes, that’s all on me when I am not doing well, and have learned to accept that people may like you a little less for it and even grow hostile towards you like you owe them something in life, I owe it to myself to work and to move forward in life, that’s how I will survive and live life and not die or get sick suicidal or end up in trouble, I don’t have time to waste, I don’t have good time to waste being bad, and I don’t have enough credits in life or respect to just say whatever I want or be whatever I want and seek attentions in life, if its not for compassion, understanding, or education, then I don’t want the attention, I don’t need attraction, and I don’t need friendship from strangers, writing for me is therapeutic its not approved by everyone in my life because I have mental health issues. I think what contributes to my mental health issues, is not keeping a journal, not blogging, and not running, Im not a happy person, I don’t feel good and I gain weight, its important that I be doing something with my life, its your energy that you get judged by in life, and in order for me to be doing well in life, I need to be positive, be getting along with others, otherwise it’s a quick downward spiral, voices, and self-harm, and if I take too many night meds, then become suicidal, not feeling good, feeling heavy, tired, or unmotivated, and that’s a tough position to be in weighted by others expressing unhappiness toward you, or anyone expressing displeasure with you, I don’t intent to make anyone feel rejected or not loved, I just don’t think that Im in a place to be nurturing and to give love right now, you have to improve and be doing better to be able to have nice conversations with others, creative, that doesn’t involve you just talking about whats wrong with you, or what youre going through which is therapy. Im always doing my best. Ive enjoyed starting this new app #thoughtdiary, and will have to work towards writing less to others, and working on more things alone, it sounds like the integration seems to be a source of disgust or dislike, as though anyone who is helping me or taking care of me is to be negatively impacted by me, and I don’t want to be someone who is considered someone to keep away from others, Im someone who stays away from others, so that makes no sense to me, why anyone would be possessive over someone from my life, and see me, and want to keep them away from me? In that case I can just stop talking to people, or not talk to a specific few, that I don’t have a problem with, its just finding the right people to talk to in life, within limitations, for the purpose of getting well, and showing improvement. 

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