blogging, self-love

What is Feeling Good? …

Coming up with a system that works for you will be key to your productivity and happiness, Im most happy when I am sticking to a system or a routine that guarantees to flip my mood around or turn a bad day into a good day, like yesterday, suddenly frozen, no thoughts, little writing, and a lot of thinking, I didn’t feel like running yesterday but had planned to, suddenly my day came to a hault, and that happens when things don’t work out for you, it forces you to backtrack and reassess where you have been, what you are doing, and where you are headed, and that feeling can be so overwhelming. I think in the past when things were not working out for me, writing helped to improve my mood, get my personality back, be upbeat and positive, something that doesn’t occur for me in group therapy settings, individual therapy, or psychiatry sessions, those are mostly when you are required to be convinced that there is something wrong with you, and to correct your thinking and take it slow, and sometimes that is necessary to get going again. Some days you will not feel quick, maybe that’s a good time to reflect and not react, its when things are not going well for you like yesterday, that everything can be too much, cancelled a date, was supposed to go to a golf tournament, and just want to stay home, to me that’s avoidance, just letting everything fall apart and not keep up with my day, so that’s failure, expecting things to go well or to get better and for things to get worse, job loss. You wont always make it to your goals in life, come hell or high water, and that road to a more peaceful destination of comfort, wont always be arrived to in pure bliss and with ease, for me there is a lot of internal turbulence, I get voices, I feel threatened, I feel insecure, its hard for me to shine and perform, which is not my usual self, who I was able to discover online as a writer, and that part frustrates me, with disability, to just not be able to keep going and perform, to me that’s not giving up, that’s just not feeling able, so what is that feeling and be able to differentiate that feeling from competency, blogging Im competent, challenges Im competent, coming up with a system when I feel disorganized or don’t know what to do or think Im competent. It’s the symptoms of mental health issues that Im not confident with which is why Im going to go to a NAMI support group, its to remind me that Im not the only one with disability, its to expose me to people who like me are trying to overcome symtoms and go back to work, practice social skills, and lead a normal life as best as they can. Right now in trying to rebuild myself it important that I set smaller goals, there is always time to dream and think big, and to me those smaller goals in life are completed in private discussions either on messenger or in therapy, where I can disclose in a private space what is bothering me, what I fear, what has gone on past, and what I am doing with my life now to make sure that things go well, and that much requires you to always speak well of others and see yourself in the positive, its when you are unhappy, or not happy with others that things get worse for you, and that only reinforces the negatives in life, when things don’t go well for you, its as though a public declaration of rejection is to notify everyone else that youre not good enough, have not been chosen, and will not be moving forward professionally, and to me applying for jobs is a very physically exhausting and taxing experience, its very draining to be reviewed, thought of, assessed, and judged, and then have to be watched perform and speak and correspond in a tone and manner that is consistent with expectation of you, not to seem gone, distant, or out there, to be on, consistent, with depth, and able to concentrate and with high degree of detail paying attention to what is important and whats unimportant and to me that’s what separates the weak from the strong, how do you prioritize your tasks in life and get things done, and how much time do you waste in negativity feeling badly of yourself or worrying what others think, in the end it will not matter what others think only when you are doing well and succeeding in life, that is when you become immune to negativity or what others think, so its not that what people think doesn’t matter, it only means that it hurts less, your less affected by negative opinions of you, and you don’t become complacent and distant in the process of achieving your goals in life, in any spotlight that you get put under in life. I think liking #toddspitzer is a good choice for me. -I think a healthy relationship can occur when in your own way you are able to bond and open up to someone and that’s how smart and beauty happens, not by making things serious and intense, that’s not intimacy that’s discomfort, and that’s not something that I want to share with the rest of the world, when I was not well (it was hard to talk to anyone and I just didn’t look like myself anyways, hard to connect with others on a friendly basis, let alone flirt). There’s so much to worry about nowadays, just to be happy, find my comfort zone. There’s so many other things that take priority to finding my peace (I am at peace what more is there to want in life other than appreciating where I’m at in life right now, feeling better, doing well), my intimacy level (who cares if I’m alone, when the time comes, and if I’m interested the right people will come around not be demanding of my time or attention or critical of me just happy to be around me that’s all I want), my sexuality (not hooking up is an odd phase in life to say the least), or question my beauty (I’ve learned to accept and fix whatever it was I was not admiring myself over you learn as you how you want to appear to the rest of the world). Right now I need to focus on wellness period. My body, my weight, who cares, of course I care, but when I’m too hard on myself I could do a month of cardio and still gain weight so happiness must be based on something else. Who you identify with matters, and more power to you when you find people you click with like me talking to Todd, who knew I’d think of so many things to talk about, without replies! It’s your mental health, people support you when you’re well. No matter what questions are thought of by who I like spend a year talking to, I know I improved and I’m proud of me. In order to be in a loving relationship toward anyone without fear or mental illness, sickness, or psychosis, or hitting my head, I chose to love Todd, it can be something as simple as that, thinking of others usually sets things right. There is too much crime, and too much unwanted attention and pressure that gets placed on you when you are treated as an independent unit, going off others is not key to my strength, that usually winds up in delusion thinking things are happening that are not. What has been key to my strength is being able to make good decisions from within, be able to read my mind and body well to be able to figure out what is wrong with me, and to be able to get help, get the right meds, in order to get balanced again and not get suicidal or hit my head, or hear voices, which is an excruciatingly painful experience, mental health is not group work, its not a group project, and you don’t need a surgeon to fix you brain, all you need is you (maybe a friend, companion, trusted confidant, therapist, or life coach) and find balance with positive thinking! -That’s where Im at today. I got my face back with skincare, exercise, talk therapy, writing, sleeping well every night, not by sex, not by sexting, and not by modeling, you improve and then you shine and share by photo or video. Good luck!

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