negative judgment, progress, womens issues

Progress and Setting Goals …

I think you can want a lot of things in life, and most of what you want you will not always get, whether that’s love, friends, or a job, but you learn to make due with what you have, and I guess that’s what blogging means to me, it means starting with where I am and making the most of my shoes in life, no matter what comes my way, disability, progress, or reaching my goals in life, there is no telling where you will end up in life, just try to keep a level head on your shoulders. I think the bigger you seem, or the bigger the head is assumed by the bigger your problems become, the less approachable you become, and for me that was experiencing bipolar, not well understood, kind of hectic, and makes you present in a disorganized way that’s hard to look at and accept, that I can comprehend, just reviewing my resume, Im sure that makes less sense to anyone questioning, my time away from work or school, I always kept busy. Today in discussion with a pen pal I was talking about that space, whether it’s a space for love, thinking, distance, or being alone, or spending time with others, there will always be spaces in life that you can share with others, to share feelings, thoughts, emotions, and there can be exchanges, in which you can feel awake, excited or tired by others, everyone mostly in avoidance of heavy feelings, for some they enjoy the heavy reflecting feeling, I guess that’s what meditation is for, to quiet your thoughts, hear yourself, and manage your energy. Everything in small doses, including everything that feels like too much, which can be problems, frustrations, negativity, and over expression of what things are not which can be included during times you are defensive, or being overly detailed about what others are thinking or going through upon review of your life compared to others, and that creates a discomfort to you, and for others, who either are or are not thinking the same, some things are obvious other things are not.- Things have finally calmed down for me intellectually and emotionally, everything’s no longer the end of the world, too difficult, or overwhelming, Im finally able to comprehend where I have been, and even if its upsetting how things were handled or what happened to me, I know that I mean well, maybe not everyone is equipped to help you in life, but so long as you stay centered, and don’t complain, or have problems in life, then there really is nothing that anyone can not like you for, because of what you look like, whos in your life or how you interact with others. If it affects what people think about you, pause reflect and keep your chin up (if I were a perfect person Im sure that it would make more sense what there is to be defiant of I know that Ive been good person, I also understand that based on your success or lack thereof people will assume you were not a good person otherwise you would have more things in life and people in your life). Its always okay to stick up for yourself, and its also okay to apologize, just never purposefully not try hard enough to make things work, no matter whether thats a hater, a romantic partner, a negative voice, your past, or who is reading presently, there is always room for acceptance to be built, I learned this through blogging. You know maybe what they feel is true, maybe you are hard to love, understand, or reply to (people have everyday needs and those everyday needs may not include letting you enter their lives, some like to have many mini lives with different people and dont have time for the mini life that is composed of you and them together). You know the chances are if they think there is something wrong with you, its your job to correct whatever it is that is thought of you that you wouldn’t want others to think of you. So that may be the distance between you and others, your discomfort in not being told why, that is their comfort in your distress, or chasing or questioning that space between you and others, it seems like its okay for others to express their grievances, but if you come from a good family, a good education, and have nice clothes and makeup and material things that represent you well, then its not okay for you to complain and it is expected for you to give back to others in some way, which occurs best in the form of being a positive person, carrying yourself well and being successful I guess that is my job. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone shopping in the first place to take good photos beginning 2019, I had envisioned I would fit the role of blogger (I have jeans now), at the time they were fashion bloggers, perfect looking and fun to be exposed to. Maybe Im not that admirable, but if youre going to take a picture make sure its not an in your face photo about your disability, you can still smile and be proud of yourself in the thickest of controversy, upset, delusion, and upset, hold your head high, this is you, love yourself anyways, no matter what you look like. I think that I am doing my job well in life, Im living this life, Im not complaining, Im owning my losses, and I comprehend what failure has meant to me in life, and how painful setback has been on me mental health wise, not knowing what to do with my life has never been a problem, only with disability you are not allowed to do things in life, like date, be social, drink, or work, you are convinced that there is something wrong with you, you are told to stay away from people, people ignore you, and thats being judged allowing your reputation and discussions about you to be carried on by someone who thinks that they had a negative interaction with you, you cant be there for everyone, and past disability its hard to be that same person level headed and there for everyone, when you need space and time to think about life and make steady progress and work, we cant all be friends and lovers social and emotional creatures expressing ourselves for the entertainment or sexual pleasure of others, we all have a dark side, that dark side is sex, and we don’t all get to experience those feelings with people let alone ourselves, when there is more work to be done, when you have to be serious, when your life is on the line, when your career is in jeopardy, and when you have to stay balanced and focused based on who is connected to you, and who has the potential to be affected by you, that’s being a stable person, easy to be around, easy to get along with, easy to read and understand, and not bothersome, and that’s managing your problems well so that it doesn’t affect anyone, such as what I have done with my life as a blogger. 

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