What I’ve Done to Go Back to Work …

1. Attended treatment for schizophrenia.

2. Managed symptoms submitting to treatments and new medications for schizophrenia.

3. Graduated from law school and completed coursework for my masters in law, despite not earning my JD to go on to take the bar exam.

4. Was hospitalized 9x to treat bipolar, disorientation, delusion, and feeling suicidal.

5. Attended AA and participated weekly in meetings, shared my story in person.

6. Blogged everyday when I could and cut back blogging to once a week to start looking for work.

7. Attended therapy 1x a week working through my problems while combatting voices.

8. Did not allow voices to convince me I’m something that I’m not or allow for the delusion of voices to convince me that’s my reality or what people think of me in real life.

9. Overcame probation post lawsuit and now eligible for expungement to clean my record.

10. Have not dated or engaged in sexual relationships or flirtations with anyone since 2014, continuing to work on myself.

11. Got back in touch with old friends only upon getting a job and moving forward in life.

12. Talked to Todd everyday until my delusion of being attacked criticized or investigated went away disclosing everything I’ve been through, what I’ve thought, what I’ve done, who I’ve spoken to, what was said, what I looked liked, where I was in life, and what I think now, until I felt accepted and privileged to enter the world again a new person and move past old traumas.

We won’t always know why we got the way we got when things are bad, and you don’t need anyone to point out to you when you don’t feel well or be able to describe to you what you’re going through when life is hard, and you don’t have a job or friends to talk to. No one can give you your life back, that’s something you have to work towards in life, we don’t all deserve to suffer. So while wellness or romance looks like fun and games it was well earned to be spoken to again by exes and old friends, ex-employers, graduate, and make the transition to meet new people in life, apply to new jobs, go back to AA, everything you do matters, so while your difficult times may be in the past, that doesn’t mean that things don’t still hurt unexplained, you won’t always get an explanation in life just do your best to stay well. Unless you can explain what you went through without blaming others or misdescribing others as being a certain way to you they were not absent minded you I feel is my present dilemma in being empathized with if I’m not going through that right now then I also don’t have to misdescribe myself as someone who is not well adjusted and gets along with others not avoidant. I feel like having disability is misunderstood as unstable toward others if anything it’s me unstable suicidal without others in my life so having Todd was my deterrent to mental illness and suicide which alone can seem like a lot and I’m talking things become less and less serious the better able you are to understand what was causing you to feel like life was more difficult than it needed to be and to be able to describe your difficulties in life whether or not deserved. I’m glad I did not commit suicide when things got tough, through all the voices, negativity, shame and embarrassment, or attacks on my good character, I’ve always done my best to move forward in life never giving up and blogging in spite of my delusions or troubles and if that’s the best I could do being misunderstood at least I didn’t have to put others through the discomfort of not being alive anymore and loved life anyways, then what’s about me and what’s about others, is the not blaming others for getting voices, or being harmed out in the world by yourself, who expects being taken advantage of or being treated as stupid. No one. It may be a fun life and fun story to tell but I wouldn’t have shared my life with the world if I didn’t have a good life and live a good life making good decisions for myself and others and helping others as best I could in my good years. No one wants to be disabled with schizophrenia I don’t, it’s frustrating, it’s embarrassing, you think you look gross and stupid to others, don’t be so convinced you are what the stereotype assumes a schizophrenic is weird looking and uncomfortable I am uncomfortable it’s not my personality to say things out of turn or be overly talkative or say anything inappropriate therefore it’s not my fault to have a disease that I’ve not defined for you to understand and it’s also not my fault if and when I don’t look gross and stupid or obese for you to assume that I’m not suffering enough for whatever you think I’ve done wrong in life and deserve to suffer and look gross obese and stupid. I’ve suffered I’m not doing anything or saying anything or exposing myself in anyways to make anyone feel like me or look like me or be like me in life if you don’t want anyone to look like me be like me or think like me you can simply tell people I’m schizophrenic and you don’t think in my shoes I deserve this this if that or should have this this if that or look like this this or that or know this person or talk to this person or get this help or that privilege. We all do our best to live life I suffered for 10 years barely able to get jobs, graduate, and date I was lonely! Suicidal! Hitting my head! Struggling to live this life in spite of reasons I still don’t know what led me to feel that way look like that or gain 50 lbs again on meds that maybe weren’t working for me, people will hurt you in life just don’t hurt yourself and don’t let others get hurt by you giving up in life that’s the best I can do to explain how hard it is to suffer, keep to yourself, not bother anyone, then take meds and brain wash yourself into thinking none of that happened and it’s all “schizophrenia” and let everyone else get off scott free like no one hurt you in life to cause you disillusionment and suicide in the end all you have is you! So be strong, talk it out, seek treatment, and never give up not until you’re normal again. It can be done! I got better! So can you! Ignore negative commentary and thoughts about it, you’re alive today! Be proud of yourself!

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