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Not Being Hot …

Not being hot is not delusional, theres a perfectly sound explanation for how I got this way and to explain what I went through when trying to assemble a likeable campaign against gun violence which was needed at this time, because everyone was too scared to broach the subject, it shouldn’t take a continued problem to finally respond, and we have learned that lesson, that upon every failure to prevent an epidemic that affects us all, first we should care, and second we should pay attention to who is helping, even if its not our job to help, see what we can do on our end. That’s a typical way to respond to distress, analyze a situation and remedy what needs work. Beginning with my study of CSPAN, it helps to familiarize yourself with who is on the ground working, and maybe because I did not further my career and hold actual jobs, it seemed like I was over my head, but I am educated, I have had work experience, and I thought at the time that I was capable to speak to all in my own way, even if my ideas and associations in life didn’t need to be mentioned, I think eventually in talking some things have helped, whether those thoughts are credited to a psychology degree, psychiatry degree, or some therapy degree, one thing is for sure that I have experienced life, and its always okay to share opinion, something I stressed on my first website in the search engine tool bar wrote “friend opinions,” sharing what I thought reminded me of times when we would go to our friends with problems and ask them what they thought, it seems like if that system worked then, then now should be no different. I think in my later years I developed mental health issues, which were treated, and stopped drinking, and took meds as directed, and even started taking anti-psychotics, which Im sure were to treat feeling suicidal or not feeling well tired, which can occur upon burn out, that makes sense, having a known learning disability since Kindergarten getting zeroes on my ERBs and in the slow reading group in elementary school, it wasn’t a shock that I experimented with taking meds as a college student, and switched majors and started getting As, it wasn’t in my plan to make friends senior year and go out drinking, but I did have some exposure to cocaine, and tried it for a semester and quickly went to rehab. I think the mental health issues that you experience later in life, for me, could have been a prolonged denial of not needing help or therapy, and then needing it, when I had problems, I had no history of fighting in school or getting in trouble, I pretty much kept to myself and got along with others. I think when you have big cares in the world, and depending who you are, are expected not to care or veer away from subjects and gun violence would be one of them, expected to defend an act, rather than defend the victims of not needing to have gone through those experiences in life, and using instead that as an example, of when things are taken too far, that those acts can be punished. I think being where I was in law school, depending on how well I was known, how you react and respond, matters, people want to know why you cared or why you flew to DC, nothing in defense can remedy something wrong that has occurred, that cannot be negotiated by someone who is a apart of what is going wrong “in the problem” so to speak, its also difficult to find out if everyone is making fun of you, and thinks that your instability has contributed to the discomfort of others around you. I think in failure, its assumed, that you have entered a period in life faced with difficulties all your own, and of your own making by your choices in life or choosing to go to law school, I value my education, only later do I realize, that its more fun to be made to look stupid or to test your smarts, rather than to accept you as an untapped resource, not yet corrupted by paranoia or worried over what others think, everyone has their own opinion. As a society we do our best to support victims, unfortunately if you are not seen as one, they think you are trying to fit in as one, and you can be sized up in that way, whether you have purposefully done or said anything to be mistreated in life, or whether mistreatment of you is a result of your drinking or behavioral health issues, Im someone who keeps my problems to myself, Ive tried AA once, but once your problems become legal or social, that’s not something necessarily that an AA program can help you with, when there is guilt or assumption displaced onto you, trying to hold you responsible for the acts of others, how to maneuver your way around peoples doubt of you, its possible to have no problems, and then upon helping to be treated as though you have problems, that’s not the purpose for my thesis, to declare that trauma is inherited by the work that you do, theres growth in work, its in your time away from work, that if you don’t properly manage your free time, that this can affect your ability to work, and to be there for victims, this is not an uncommon dilemma for working professionals, balancing personal life and professional life, and later in life, living up to those expectations of you. For some reason opening up was frowned upon, maybe because Im connected to a former famous defendant, and maybe in their eyes Im supposed to be “shady” or “not talkative” “secretive” or “private,” I think later in life you learn to value the meaning of privacy, especially during difficult times and there is a reason for that. Last week was my first week of work, and even though there is a tremendous amount of stress and pressure on me to work, I was able to perform and proud of myself, being independent again is the goal, without letting my psychiatrist’s diagnosis of me and description of how challenging the diagnosis is to keep me from working again, and has encouraged it and believes that it is possible, and has had patients who have been able to resume their careers in professions such as law. I don’t think its easy to explain how being on meds makes it difficult to work, I know that they are supposed to help, but it took a long time to accept that life is challenging on no matter what meds I take, so its up to me to decide whether I want to slow down, or whether I need to speed up, I even stopped running everyday, it seems like when things became more challenging for me mentally I slowed down and did this, not my preference. Not every F up is the same, and I would never describe myself as that, typically you think of a F up as someone who doesn’t speak well, looks funny, hangs out in different crowds, and has a past of things to be ashamed of, and a list of people who don’t talk to them anymore, you know if I have been compared to one of them, then so be it, its up to me to get myself out of mess, stop helping others, and start helping myself, and to me that’s what privacy and recovery has meant to me. I would never share about my mental health issues online, the self-harm it took me 6 years to overcome self-harm and be in a place in life where I either talk about now and 36 or don’t mention it at all, so Im not highlighting it in a fun way numbered in a blog post, its to illustrate in a simple way that it happened and Im doing my best to overcome it, just the same 6 years later I can still suffer from mental health issues and it can happen all over again, what matters is how I cope. I don’t think its appropriate for me to talk in a group setting such as a AA, those are people with specifically alcohol related problems, that don’t include the legal troubles and public perception pressures and stresses associated with not being liked in life, that’s something new for me, not to mention the sexuality issues, not having a boyfriend and not hooking up or being social, seems to be recipe for disaster perception wise of you. Its an interesting situation to be in where you do all the talking and there isn’t much talking toward you, and I have gotten used to that, the goal is to stay well long enough to get to experience the positives in life, when people are positive toward you, and when you get your potential back, it is challenging to have difficulties private, I would never wish it upon anyone to be bothered by someone who does not like them, then fail to function or perform in life, this is why staying away from all people has been vital to my success and recovery, it gets to a point where if you are not sure whats okay to talk about its better to talk to no one at all and go to therapy and work on your issues in private, it was not yet a household name story my story, I think there are more respected figures in society who we feel more sorry for in life, no problem.

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