negative judgment, womens issues

Not to the Merriment of Others …

Recently affected by the negative press that my pen pal #toddspitzer is receiving, regarding his remarks, if he did not intend to hurt anyone by that commentary then no offense should be taken, on the other hand, negative attention should not be provoked on the basis of who he is talking to also, I don’t see myself as less than, nor should anyone else, and I don’t need to use my childhood as excuse for acceptances, or from distance to subjects otherwise appropriate to designate to people considered of lesser status, I don’t think that “we unfamous people of America,” see ourselves as important of that right to be given chances to make mistakes in life, I do think we should all be privileged not to be treated as though we bring it upon ourselves to feel lesser than compared to the successes of others, or just to see how we respond in a lower or lesser position, as though the position we have created free of harm, is unprovokable or immune from the hardships that others face in general, if it was not an immunity that could be shared with others, not limited to feeling good by eachother, then it should work the same for friend or foe in the event that there is a period in time when help is needed not to feel harm by, that’s the meaning a purpose behind freedom of the press, and the right not to be stifled by hardship work and live free of harm, and hopefully from the troubles of others. Maybe you don’t think its deserved that I have a top blog, but I have been working on my online persona for 10 years with or without likes, it doesn’t matter at this point what people get for free, tips, advices, or clearance from attack or criticism for having done anything wrong to me, it seems like it’s a free for all these days of what affects who what and why, and it should not be the case that anyone should wait until they see something happen to know what they have said or done wrong, if it can be explained, it can be prevented. I had a discussion today about what it feels like to support a campaign, or for things to be going right, and for things to not be going right and what kind of pressure that puts on me as a writer, to choose to speak to subjects or not to speak to subjects and what I feel hurt by, I think its in non-communication that I feel the most hurt and misunderstood in the negative and its by speaking that things become clear to others when looking at me, had I not been a writer I probably would have committed suicide by now, voices are that painful, to be bullied, or called names, its not that Im giving up in life, its that others have given up on me, for whatever reasons, and I decide to choose not to live life, on the basis of nothing I do being accepted or good enough, and that’s a position in life as disabled that you learn to be accustomed to, its like others are waiting on you for confirmation, but you don’t receive any confirmations back, its only with acceptance of me as schizophrenic that people are making it okay for me to communicate among famous people, or think that I relate to them in that way, considering myself of value, and then expecting to be treated as a person of value, but unless you are famous, others will feel good by you, but you will not feel good by their treatments of you, if they are not sweet and nurturing towards you, its hard to be with anyone, who doesn’t understand that you are fragile or easily affected by people, and want to be treated as though you come from a special story, and how brave it was for you to share your story and to come forward, and be known, that’s not easy, not without the press, so although I feel threatened by them presently, that doesn’t mean that I am powerless, I am no longer that suicidal version of myself where I feel like cutting my wrists, slamming my head into walls, or jumping off cliffs, we don’t need to connect information with my body (there are better ways to communicate other than by establishing facts through harms evidences and happenings) to convey a feeling or feeling like I appear that way to others, just get through it, sometimes less art the better, what makes words so powerful, they are powerful because in a simple way it gets us to all slow down and read and with highlighters or pens can pin point exactly what makes sense what is wrong, and what can be improved, its so hurtful to have gone though periods where I felt completely alone, talking to myself, or singing in my car, and recording in my phone, at that point in life I really had no one, so although pen pals is a far cry from a real relationship at least its talking to a human being and not being left alone. You cant really experience what you want to have with a person with your family, its nice to be around people, but theyre not people you can be weird and hyper with, and maybe there is a part of me that feels like being fun loving, maybe if I had a job and a career and could provide for myself and never got in trouble, I would be so privileged to get to be a happier version of myself, I wish I never started drinking again, and wish I never dated, those were losses and years lost in life that I cant take back and can only move forward, that’s not a good way to live life, dating, that’s how you get in trouble, you have to have a life, in order to be around people, from there you are respected on the basis of what you have to lose in life, either left alone or controlled, its your choice how much of you you are willing to give to another, we don’t all have the physical stamina to be in relationships, sometimes we need alone time to rest and recharge, this was a difficult year. I think Im a good example of someone who when forced to stay home on 8pm curfews improved, and because I was already used to that schedule of being left at home, during COVID still functioned as a blogger because I already had an at home job for myself. The recent suicides are devastating, so if I cannot be spokesperson to #toddspitzer at least let me be spokesperson to my own experiences in life, that it sucks when you feel alone and no one can help you, when you are convinced that things cant get better, those are all weaknesses that need to be corrected, its better for me to accept a schizophrenic diagnosis than it is for me to hit my head, [get defeative, or self-harm give up on loving myself to prove who wrong sometimes it all hurts and you just want to be happy and wish the same for others struggling even if your problems are not the same], from being called names in life (deserved or not), I believe are derogatory terms used to describe people who are gay and masturbate, and Im assuming that because Im obese that is assumed of me, I don’t feel fat or less than people, and I don’t see a body or a face and feel bad about myself, what makes me obese are the medications which make me blank, sedentary, and sleepy, not people genders or sex, so lets get that correct, and in the time that I can smile in a selfie, that’s many months of consistent exercise and functioning everyday that my face is corrected and tidy looking that Im able to photo well, and that happens when I have worked hard and don’t get voices, criticizing me, Im like everyone else when people are unhappy with me I keep to myself, it doesn’t matter if those are voices a “delusion” of people not happy with me, that means that I have to improve in order to go back out into the world and smile, or take a selfie for that matter, and this is why I appreciate #toddspitzer.

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