blogging, learning

Not What You Expected (re-titled)…

If its something that’s bothering you about me, what makes me so unique, or workable compared to other bloggers, when it comes to distant collaborations and themes in general being followed in distant communication to one another through blogging, is that I have earned the space that I keep, starting with nothing, just a lot of pressure with nothing said on my behalf, about my life, without sharing my story, is a similar pressure Im sure we all feel when we want to be someone of value, be someone we are proud of, like getting a job or getting married, have things in life that make us who we are, and to the rest of the world, somehow get that respect that we all think we each deserve, to be known, and admired, and that doesn’t happen for everyone. For me is a steep uphill climb sharing myself online, it requires establishing a sense of identity online, through choice themes on my Instagram and blog, and make my content unique to me, meaning if it is from me and relates to me and my life its stated in a way that others gained an interest in hearing what I have to say, not just to understand me or plead for compassion from others, but stated in a way that maybe relates to how they feel living their lives and wanting to similarly be understood in a way to which they can benefit and thrive moving forward. The people who relate to me are people trying to be somebody, trying to improve, and see themselves as average and now trying to push themselves to reach their goals in life and that’s not easy, so hearing from someone with known disability, it makes it less competitive and talking maybe even improving faster than Im able to explain what it is im going through, process it before Ive even had the chance to say it, and that’s using your higher ordered thinking, something I always strive for, as a student, you bask in the peace and serenity of having an on day, tasks flowing by seamlessly, each thing you want to get done for the day is done, and there is more time to spare, to just make sure that everything is perfect, there is an overachiever instilled in each of us. Whats sometimes hard to understand is the humor in everyones struggle or progress for that matter, when you have lost your sense of humor, be sure not to be in a position of judgment, but rather encourages you by letting you know, not that youre not apart of as an innocent bystander, but lets you know that you have room to grow and maybe its okay to be curious to know what is so funny among others, and even question yourself, why there is nothing to smile about in your life, its one of the simplest ways when we come to understand to better know others to belong, rather than stress over the degree to which we know ourselves, what matters more to you? I think the best relationships occur when its around or available, in your 30s everyone is busy, so you might not click with needy feel weighed down, and you might not click with the busy feel like they are too serious and stressed out for you energy wise to be around, life is intense, so get to know the varying intensities of living life, its not just people, this you learn as you get older, how to handle a specific hour, day, or period in life and get through it. The most difficult times are marked by feeling lonely, isolated, misunderstood, lethargic, tired, disoriented, this is when you may easily fall prey to all your doubts and fears rather than get a stronger grasp of your hopes your dreams and intuitions. Im a good example of everything going wrong for me in life, everything becoming difficult for me in life through disability, then everything happening for me in life all of a sudden, and that all took hardwork, just like it takes a month to overcome an addiction, for me it takes 6 months to overcome self-harm, a year to overcome a psychotic break (which includes dysfunction, talking to self, hitting my head, feeling suicidal, struggling not working, over-doing my meds, job loss, academic loss, relationship loss), one month of walking everyday to start running long distances, and a lifetime to repair a career and friendships along the way, (you choose your battles in life, it’s always okay to put yourself first, start where you are). Re: Todd … So romance is nothing I have ever felt entitled to or needed, it’s something you earn and work towards in life, it could be anyone you set your mind to, literally I’ve simplified love to being about choice and keep it simple in my mind in that way. It is something that happens for me easily, when I decide to like someone usually they like me back in some way at some distance I can respect, even if it’s just friendship which is how 90% of my relationships with men and women are platonic no romantic interest. Maybe because I don’t need it, dating works best busy, you don’t feel like your waiting, if you keep growing even though you are waiting, and maybe because of what I am doing in my life, people feel easily accepted and understood by me, not pressured by me, and focused on themselves, usually you think that a perfect or a strong match means attraction, or feeling drawn to a person, actually the best matches occur in the exact opposite way, you two are so busy that you barely have time to even cross paths, and when you do, your lives are so different, that one another keeps so busy, that a respect is achieved, when one or the other is not wasting time explaining themselves and spending more time doing in life, that’s when people come around, when you are in action, and when what you have to say, illustrates that you are among, as we talked about before, not on your own going through something, that’s how you can have problems and friends, problems and jobs, problems and romance, and that’s the end goal, not what you though huh. Its all balance, look at me for example, I already went through lawsuit, defamation, academic losses, job losses, romantic partnership losses, and was still able to launch a blog and attract a large audience, some of have comprehended what I went through as difficult, some think its your fault you struggled like they blame rape victims of people committing sex acts on them, and some have not empathized with me going by court documents judging me as the aggressor, when it’s the exact opposite, the suitors are the ones on point who don’t have time to help you AND they do not empathize with what you are going through, and think instead that they are at risk for what you are going through in life, don’t want to be affected by your disabilities and troubles, and that’s what causes a legal separation of interests, its so that another is not bothered by your problems in life, and thats how conservative success is these days, they wouldn’t be successful if they didn’t have boundaries, the only issue is that you as you are cant get past most of those boundaries, without the mental clarity and stability to be empathized with and be situated among others, and reconcile the rest of your life as is, learning moving forward. The world is a high functioning place, that doesn’t have time for people who they fear are not stable, have problems, have been sued, have gotten in trouble, have not functioned in school, the world does not know and comprehend disability, they rule it out instead as addiction, or failure to actually do your job in life which is to perform well in school and get jobs, and we don’t all have that in us at all times, there are not always opportunities for us to get jobs, even when we apply, so me becoming a blogger, is not that I can fit into places I don’t belong, its so that I can belong in the place that I am in right now in life, and by living that way, I have in turned belonged more places than places that I did not belong, and to me that’s a tremendous feat, whether knowing Todd in real life matters or not, whether or not he really bought a dog upon my suggestion, the world is real, so get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, date within the circumference of your capability, don’t shoot for the moon when you need to take the stairs, and pace yourself in life, even at 36, Im interviewing for paid positions in law! That’s huge I didn’t even get interviews before, and Im getting jobs! Writing jobs, which are my dream jobs! So its not that Im a non-conformist on purpose, and its not that Im not paving the way for others to establish career paths through writing/blogging with an ability to get paid jobs one day writing, but its clear that it has been fun to watch by my audience and for that I am glad, even you cant completely understand why someone once with 17 millions views talks to politicians, maybe its because I think that what I have to say is that important to be stated fair and balanced not to cause waves in my life or the lives of others, changed. It would be a waste of my time to describe how difficult my days were or what the transition is like from no meds, to abilify, to geodone, to clozapine, to Invega, but to me it was an intense journey of trust and sometimes compliance feels that way, you have to go with the flow of what you are given in life, not by what you want in life, and that’s what meds have taught me, that its not a matter of what makes me feel good, it’s a matter of what makes others feel better, and the degree to which I have to be in control of my life, my thoughts, and the images I produce posted online on Instagram, twitter, or website, all of which has to reflect a conservative viewpoint of not exposing myself in a way that would bring negative attention to my family or friends, if I was that person I would not have gotten into law school, so to be mistaken as a person who is not responsible, is incredibly insulting for someone who wanted to be an attorney and help take care of others, makes no sense to me why I have to be taken care of in life, why?

Please Note: The title of this post was removed because it doesn’t convey that I help am friendly toward and communicate to instead of showing how I help it illustrates me as someone who speaks counter to the interests of famous people I think I encounter the same pressures public story line wise fitting in among others not step on anyones toes and inform if my direction and path I’m life or thinking do it’s not running counter to what’s congruent for most which is to keep the well among the well feeling good by eachother not use me as an example of someone who is not well making others feel not good by or less cool than that’s not my purpose being online to not be cool or not well it’s to do well and not bother others and keep you myself and if needed for reference can be used in a friendly way that’s doing my part to make sure people who don’t like me don’t feel sick by me or accuse me or putting out an unwanted influence in American culture they think that Americans don’t identify with me (because of race, sexuality, who met me and does not like me because of what I have to say or what my diagnosis is do not sound like look like or behave toward them how they expect more stable or without needing help or having problems in life successful or see a failed JD as characterized of the size of my brain being too small or thought bigger than it is and then trying to achieve a big brain without one) or because of when I was born or who I was born to accuse me of not representing the traits or natural insecurities of people of different races courteous of those without the same issues mentioned. #stopsuicide

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