blogging, stop suicide, thoughts

The Challenge to Blog …

Creating a safe place is not easy not in private and not in public you’ll reach a point in your recovery when you feel tested usually in transitions or when trying to prove your sanity and stability that’s the problem with disclosing where you have been it’s not believed until it’s seen and so it’s provoked from you until it is seen to verify whether you have recovered and what issues still linger that are keeping you from recovering. I made a lot of strides this past year, working more in private than in public, I used to post once a day, however since harassment it became clear that doing well in public became impetus for attack and so the symptoms followed recovering and getting sick, experiencing productivity then getting voices, it seems like for every issue stated you are assumed to bear those issues presently or because there are prior incidences of it thought to have those tendencies now. I think things got worse in my 30s never before in my life did I have problems with being trusted, helped, or given jobs that’s disappointment … you fail to meet the mark. There’s a certain expectation of you and then there is lack of forgiveness last disbelief having an unexplained past creates this discord and there’s nothing you can do about anyone unwilling to accommodate you not feeling sorry for or uncomfortable by your disability if it’s a situation of waiting for you to mess up or evidence of misstep then you don’t belong don’t stay anywhere anyone is looking for excuse to get rid of you or not accept you on the basis of who you are, where you come from, what your about, what you look like, what you’ve been through, or who or what they think you relate to or coming from that’s disability post punishment it’s not necessarily caused by others it’s just the entitlement felt knowing you by what is heard that you feel disabled by lack of acceptance from others or being ignored by them. There’s nothing you can do about someone who can’t help you in life you won’t know why people won’t talk to you it’s probably because they think you should know better, more, or by education able to help yourself so people don’t explain things to you. I did some research on creating safe spaces online today, to help explain the brains and beauty in good analytics from IMDb. Hopefully I’m doing more things right than wrong naturally based on my own needs and the needs of others to feel righted or free from complaints general from me. What I’m learning on new meds is that even if your problems change your coping skills need to remain the same to avoid symptoms that cause you disability whether or not that believed, I can do better, I can be smarter, I can work, and I can be more confident in myself keep busy there’s no need to fight voices for the rest of my life or feel bullied by anyone in life I come across this is why I don’t interact with people because there’s fighting, punishment, and hospitalization, ridicule, insult, and criticism -however I’m expected to be I’m doing my best maybe it’s better to just accept people as they are. There’s no future in aggression, no one responds to you, there’s no future in complaint, no one helps you, and there’s no future in upset no one can empathize with you. The best way to move forward is not always about understanding me or understanding others and choosing sides, it’s not always about turning people into things to defend others, and it’s not always about seeing things to believe things, you can’t control people, you can’t manipulate people, you can’t change the way people think, and you can’t make people be okay with you not combative or accepting of you. People get turned off, have preferences, ideals, expectations, and assumptions don’t let the negative win, the best way to prove people wrong for not giving you chances in life is not to be confrontational it’s to ignore them back and move forward there are other opportunities in life to shine, be loved, and meet others, you don’t need to know why, and if you don’t know why and they think you should know why, that’s their way of assuming that you’ve done wrong and should know that you’ve done wrong, that’s disbelief of you. I’ve done everything in my power to call the police, talk to courts, and submit reports to FBI for everything serious, I have a right to control how my story is used, how my identity is used, and be in the know of what’s being done to me to hurt me or make people not like me, not believe me, or cause people to ignore me and not accept me as a victim to my circumstances in life and not view what I have done to make the most of my situation stay in the positive and write. I think that’s showing that I care for others, and avoidant in a positive way, that so long as I stay away from people I don’t have to bother them or burden them with feeling like they have to represent me when they don’t want to represent me because of defamation think that they will be brought down by me. I don’t have to threaten anyone to get my way in life or be respected, I just need to not be harmed by negative opinions of me. It makes no sense to me why everyone is free to be however they want and say whatever they want, and be however they want, but I’m not allowed to be myself, get upset, be defensive, or be cautious, or private, recovery is a process is not selective and it’s not a choice when you have disability you can’t read, you can’t think, you can’t write, your sedentary in bed all day sleeping that’s my disability, to overcome that disability it’s important I’m not scared, I’m well liked, I’m even tempered, and okay with people and people okay with me and that can only occur through blogging. The caution is that I can be harmed if I appear like there are no risks to me, that doesn’t give permission for someone to create risks to punish me that’s the justice systems job they have the authority to determine whether my life or how I managed my life and sharing about it presents a threat to anyone else’s understanding or experience of life, that’s not my job to tell others what their preferences are in life or should be. No one is required to read my blog people can help themselves, the goal of writing us to prevent harming me to cause harm to others or harm others to cause harm to me or threaten me to scare others or to threaten others to cause me to respond and put me in harms way speaking to an issue without being told the issue and assumed to know as though that’s my own processed guilt or to bestow that guilt onto someone else as though they should have guilt bring anyone down around me accuse me of being the mismanaged connection who does not represent them well or have a story that incorporates losses you are blaming me or who I know for and then punishing someone else I know for those losses. When you’re doing well it’s not okay to punish who is well as though they don’t deserve to be immune from controversy they are well because they are aware of the issues and losses affected and being well to reassure others that those losses and threats to safety don’t continue and not especially under a tit for tat system on “you should know what you’ve done wrong” without the courts knowing of those losses and what they think you did wrong to contribute to those losses, I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve been nice to everyone, I ran everyday, I took as prescribed, I sought treatment, and report to the police, in what way have I ever relied on anyone for answers to my problems I solve my problems on my own without help or encouragement or advice, without anyone feeling pressured or compelled to speak on my behalf, I need no defenses in life to survive I can speak for myself and my own experiences in life with disability and making it in this world success wise, staying well enough to get a job, free of retaliation and bullying for whatever answers to problems people expect I should know the answered to I don’t know everything I only know what I know and it’s not okay to hurt me to make things happen to cause others to think that identifying characteristics from my life are used to commit crimes or blame my identity as being an identity that does not deter defend or prevent accuse me of misconduct if so you can take it to court I’ve done nothing wrong helping myself or seeking treatment and maintaining a private life maybe it’s information obtained by illegal means to try to devalue deflect blame are allude that I don’t inspire others for the better don’t wait for something bad to happen to confirm your analysis or devilish consequences for your actions toward me cause death and unnecessary pressure physical and mental on me or my family who don’t deserve death and disability! I deserve to live free from blame or experimentation and sabotage to my mental health by infliction of guilt for omission or wrongful accusation of blame by destroying my wellness in place of illness for evidence of instability to prove mental illness mental illness is not a defense it’s a disability and it can’t persuade a court of what you’ve not done wrong in life what’s done wrong is wrong mentally ill or not! Working on myself and speaking freely and not involving others in my problems is me not bothering anyone and me doing well means that I’m no guilty so stop attacking me to create a situation for solicitation of guilt put me or my family in harms why by defaming me! I don’t need help from anyone that’s how selfless I am if I was selfish you would feel bad or guilt as though you’ve not done enough. I don’t do that to people I help others!

Please Note: Previous post moved to drafts.

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