abuse, blogging

Lifestyle Choices …

Maybe its not understood when someone stops having sex, its to avoid STDs and to avoid being used, and end up not feeling good upon attachment and loss of companionships, which is sex without commitment, in a casual relationship, the future of your endeavor is not known, you can become attached emotionally or physically, and in the wait time it can be incredibly painful, to not be able to have a regular boyfriend, in which you get to spend time with them, have conversations, and go on dates, a more public relationship. Later in life you grow out of the need to have a public companion, and learn to stand for yourself in life. I think messenger is a lifestyle choice, its interacting with people online, not to your detriment hopefully, where you can share where you are at in life and what you are thinking, its for growth. I think after a period in time if you can establish a comfort with a person over a year period, then you can be sexy, wear makeup, and dress sexy for them, otherwise its best to stay commercial and be your conservative self. To me that was a safer option than having sex in real life. (1) Im overweight and don’t feel comfortable naked (2) sex is a commitment that you have to keep up with and text and chase for a mans attention, that if you don’t have the energy for maintaining a relationship sexual, then that will be because of mental health issues, you don’t have the physical stamina for wait times, or rejections in life. -Your faith matters, that means whats important to you, your future, your health, if you cant achieve that with someone, then that’s something you will have to achieve on your own so that you can have that with someone one day. I think the mistake in identifying the issues occurs when you are online, and when your relationships in real life fail. It matters what you dedicate your time and attention to, the opinions of others, making a difference, working on a relationship you are not sure is going to work out in the future, being in the moment, staying sober, having the free time to be free with yourself, what are your options in life. Your options in life become limited by your mistakes in life. I think during my time on Instagram, I held one relationship with a person whos identity I did not know, but they knew everything about me including where I live. I think Im a non-judgmental person, so I just enjoyed the fact that someone was replying to me and talking to me. Maybe I didn’t wait long enough to re-establish old friendships and relationships with people who knew me before I experienced alcoholism, failure, or mental health issues. I think when you don’t feel well and are on a lot of meds, its easy to be taken advantage of, I know that at the time those bad photos were taken, I was tired having just completed my dissertation and was not focused on my physical health or beauty, not running regularly, and overweight obese at 180lbs. Im now 190lbs. I gained 30lbs this year from stress and starting new medications for being called “pervert” and “schizophrenic.” I don’t think you anticipate that someone who gets to know you and is nice to you, would ask for photos of you to then expose you to the public as someone who is being naked and sexual online. You know if someone doesn’t want to talk to you, and doesn’t want to get to know you, that simply means that they are not interested in you, it doesn’t matter who you are, and maybe doesn’t respect you. And maybe that’s the issue, being treated like I am nobody, to see how I respond as though I am somebody, I don’t see myself as above others I treat everyone the same, with respect. So the issue seems to then be, by what you have, where you live, education, and material things you have in life. I think when you have more people are hard on you, treat you as though you have it easy in life, or as though things are given to you in life, not taking into consideration if you are suffering and cant get a job, or respect what you do to stay alive and have something to do each day, organizing your room filled with a lot of things, if you don’t have anything else to live for, then that’s okay to have a room, you are comfortable living in and keeping track of things. I admire public speakers, its really not about money or status, its about who can see the big picture and who knows what its like to be faced with controversy or elements in life in which they are put on the spot to talk about or discuss even if its not something directly related to me, questioned, that’s not a comfortable spot to be in life, to not be at ease. For some reason I think its not until you become upset, or unstable, that another feels certain that what they are doing to you, to expose you, is doing some good to the community, its not a public’s right to know what you don’t know yourself, and expect you to “crunch” and come up with a solution to that discomfort, as though you are suppose to “read the minds of others,” treat you as a stopwatch or time clock for either saying what needs to be said, or read into things wrongfully accuse you of reading into others or being confrontational, which is not my personality type. I don’t think that I know everything, and I don’t assume that people know me, and I don’t think that things are about me, and I don’t read into things that people do or say “to be called a pervert” thinking something that is not happening is happening between me or another person, intimacy wise, that’s not occurring, and then be treated like I have “sexual thoughts” that are inappropriate when in the “vicinity” or a man or woman who is disinterested in me. Sure that’s unwanted if someone is straight and thinks that you are straight and has difficulty accepting if you are not having sex with a man, does not want you to look at them and have sex with yourself, Im sure that’s a problem with being a woman who is not dressed sexy and showing their body, and dressed conservative, as though I don’t have what they have, or am visually stimulated by what another has, not wanting to be looked at, I can understand the difficulty to accept or comprehend being around a person who you do not want to like you, because you are not interested in them, and I never considered myself as someone “in need” or someone who gives off an energy “urgent” or not at ease. Whatever the typical characteristics are of an offender, someone who does not like you or is offended by you, will not feel settled, and consider themselves good until you appear not at ease, nervous, or “guilty” to then declare you as out of your element, lost, or not stable, to demonstrate that you were not the keeper of wellness, and wrongfully accuse you of connecting and getting well off others. I have medications I don’t need people, and I have a blog, I don’t need jobs. What I need to sort out is my future and work, because if you are not making money in today’s society, you are not viewed as an adult, and if you have disability with an education you are not taken care of, because it is assumed that you should be able to work, and if you are not working, you are assumed to be someone who is avoiding work if you are not hired. I think being hirable, is about having gone though your problems in life, and overcome them, for some reason every job is sabotaged, by stress from harassment, and as a result that affects my performance needing breaks and stability. When someone goes through your phone and pictures and posts stuff online that’s incredibly invasive and its not deserved to “rape my phone” or “rape my computer” and treat my brain like a vagina, that you can just invade, torture, provoke, and criticize, as though Im a lesser species than you are. If we are not talking anymore, its because if someone is upset with me, I leave them alone, Im not confrontational. And it gets past the point of being able to talk things out, when someone has caused harm and permanent damage to you physical and mental health which I still need to overcome, lose 30-50lbs, start working, and start dating again. That’s my stability, the value of my wellness. If you have a problem with me, take it to court, but don’t go on exposing me, or treating me as criminal when I have done nothing wrong, stay home, and have not criminal connections or communications. If you want to take advantage of me and treat me as dumb or stupid, because Im ½ Asian and because of COVID that’s because you are being racist toward my heritage, I was not born by choice, you are born, and then you live life, so don’t hurt me like I have it any easier in life, I don’t. I have to do my best to represent myself, to speak when its needed, and to make sure that I don’t get in trouble in life, and the only person who can represent me is me, so when you disable me and hurt me that affects my ability to represent myself, and to stay out of trouble, so when I cannot speak properly, that affects what people think of me, thinking that I am that way before I was hurt, to criticize who was in my life, wrongfully accuse me of harming them. Im a real person, I was a real company I paid my dues and got certification, and I was a real law student. The only thing not real about me is that I don’t make money, I did not make money online, and I don’t have a savings or bank account and have no money of my own. So that makes me a real person, with real fears, and face real competition in life, by other women applying for the same jobs of me, who aren’t treated as stupid or mentally ill, because they are not having sex, or when they choose to be alone, criticized for those choices in life, or not being married. Its therefore important to my survival in life, so that I don’t end up with voices or suicidal, to get married, so that I have someone who supports me, to talk to, so that I don’t commit suicide under an unreasonable amount of pressure and ridicule, from a discontinued messenger relationship. My life is important too, you cant make people talk to you, and have sex with you, when there no longer is love there, or a desire to share your life and intimacies with a person, especially if you are married that’s not okay to demand of things including my health to stabilize your health, when that’s your wife’s job not mine, and your family’s job. I was never disrespectful to you, I never made fun of your family or pen names, and I don’t think its funny to make fun of my concerns in life, or taking things to a higher level talking to The White House.

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