Getting a job doesn’t necessarily mean that things are fine and dandy, this is just the beginning of a new uphill climb, much like blogging was for me, I suppose it’s something you get better at overtime, except this time I’m on meds for schizophrenia so it makes things that much more challenging to get the hang of things again work wise, so when I say wish me luck, I really hope that my journey to interviews through mental health issues, working with a career coach, and being hired is half the battle, competing for jobs in the work force, it’s pretty cut and dry these days, so show up as your best self and pray that they also see the potential in you to shine and do a good job. I’ve never had a poor job performance in my history of working, always a workaholic disciplined that’s just how I am whether it’s blogging, book writing, writing police reports and reporting to FBI concerns and worries over philosophies and what stands out to me as problematic to my thinking or worry for others, you can do your best but still not be good enough for others and that’s a new standard I’m coming to accept about life that not everyone needs to accept you, be happy for you, or excited for you in life, find a few who treat you as special and you’re golden. Today was a difficult day for me, I could hardly sleep last night nervous, and also working on two articles I can’t seem to make right all of sudden too vocal about myself is what usually ruins a researched work trying to sound more educational and supportive and less personal and that’s a style of writing I’m currently working on improving my skills with, it takes time to improve writing but you get the hang of it. The (1) phase 1 thinking (2) phase two outlining and remembering ideas that should come back to you at the time of writing if everything’s working and (3) writing clearly so nothings off putting Im really careful of not word dropping or saying anything you have to think twice about or consider a “gay” issue or “pervert” issue or “game” issue or “gender” issue to be honest that’s not my forte nor do I care to teach others on how to be in life look wise the goal is acceptance anyway you come, your flaws past and everything. I think what’s been said about me is an exaggeration I was never a drinker I drank 2 drinks only and got caught, and left a relationship when I got Ds in law school all of a sudden to think about life and figure out what to do with my life, that’s a huge loss to put your heart into something and not do well at it, you need a clear head for law and a good functioning memory bank, to move ideas and keep track of things in your mind, organize your thoughts well. I guess the onset of bipolar and schizophrenia occurred at the end of my JD program and after leaving if I drank things got worse, but in sobriety got my energy back and beauty back and lost weight. Everyone’s body is different I have never handled alcohol well I throw up, my face changes, lose color so was never a drinker not even at fancy dinners never had a glass of wine too. I guess that’s what made me weird. I had meds so I never needed alcohol to feel good. People will say things to mess you up in life mess with your head your reputation and mental health and all of that unwanted pressure and disdain makes you feel scared of people, want to stay home, paranoid, look sickly lose face structure, and get throat burn (tums), and freeze not perform well, it’s like the tougher the challenge the slower you get I guess that’s the point in the “eat $hit Sherlock” and “choking game,” when that’s rooted for there’s no guarantee you’ll get anywhere in life feeling that way about how you’re viewed in life. I think I told my story to be helpful and honest it’s nothing of a confession of anything I’ve knowingly done wrong (dear Blindes shop at Mezzaluna) sorry if that’s confusing for everyone. I’m sure it’s been viewed as a positive shout out for victims of crime and to be supportive of everyone here trying to be strong, function in society. I really don’t do things behind peoples back (I used to announce 2hr runs before running in public and shared logs I don’t like surprises so I’m not one to surprise anyone, I don’t like excitement it builds up in the wrong way within me -I don’t need the extra energy says my Psychiatrist why I can’t take diet pills may need Ozempic a diabetes med for weight loss and take metformin). I’ve never hurt anyone unbeknownst to some fact about me unknown, Im open about my blogging and have had all the tough talks with Dad, I’ve never had secrets or anything to hide no social discomfort just to myself in life independent. I’m very honest and upfront and manage a blog, therapy, psychiatry, AA, and public appearances well with no paranoid no looks and no loud sounds I’m doing well in life finally and proud less sensory overload. Today I had voices all day and that was bothersome but I have to work anyways, and I have to publish articles and blog posts anyways, and I have to workout and lose weight anyways, lost 15 lbs finally, it’s when things start working again internally I get hit with a negative pressure and there’s really nothing I can do about disability I’ll have to work with it, date with it, pen pal with it, or get married with it, it’s really gotten to the point that I don’t think I can have kids because of all the conspiracy and voices I get trying to scare me in life.
Here’s a movie pitch I wrote the other day, to Harry Potter my last 10yrs in a street hip way:
By the way I saw “Into the Heights” in NY.
My story – movie pitch to the Academy & Dan Brown and FBI, dedicated to usarmy and the street soldiers. “The Good Cartel”
***Based on all real life first hand experiences reported by calling 911 who met me in a gas station to report who ran at me & ran away woke up and saw them was looking at my phone battery died I thought NASA sent a beam of light to my phone to wake me up resting & looked up … story (facts) from my life circa (2013-2017).
True story with no made up elements but actual happenings to me drinking – and the black ninjas who turned up in a online news article same dates circa arrested three men for attempted kidnapping but in a random town not Hollywood.
Government project robot who’s been lost 10 years kidnapped raped relapsed on cocaine drank away her sorrows leaving law school dated hospitalized 9 times (like notebook telling a DA her story) who has premonitions but really it’s the past until he can see the future to stop crime from happening all he needed was her story to put the pieces together and catch a group in existence since the 90s “do you know where ojs house is” guy and the “are you an Uber” guy are the same person many years later finds her online and follows her to a gay bar Michael Jackson karaoke, big bouncer said don’t put your glass here all she remembers on a stool. Wakes up next morning only recalls a couple using her phone to call her mom who thinks she was drunk who passed out upon sitting in the Uber vehicle with beaded headrest in front of her, the driver in a messenger hat. And once smelled grass in a dark room tin table light above her head sees a guys privates in the dark and then on wheels.
Trying to solve the MLK memorial figure out the meaning a millennial detective who goes by Molly who dies in that 10 years to cover it up, the government brings her back to life she doesn’t know she died. Idea by cspan, “moving dead bodies on a ship,” the specialists.
Movie title pun about me getting jealous my ex I lost 2007-2010 once got upset jealous about his boss (see you in the trailer candypants) read a pop up text to his phone screen by accident … was paranoid since then got jealous argument w/his roommate which ended our friendship and subsequently the relationship after hospitalized Feb 2009. After attending party in Vegas (Casden) and paranoid on my West Hollywood balcony and wrote to a White House website who I connected with many years later after pitching an idea for a website in a call for ideas flyer I found online.
Because she brought him weed.
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