abuse, advice, advocacy, blogging

My Feelings About Gun Violence …

This is not an easy time for most people. Usually when something traumatizing happens it brings up the last time you were put in a position and made to feel that way, whether its through reminders, another devastation, a loss, a breakup, a failure, when things become difficult for us to manage whether that’s thoughts or feelings, we can be overwhelmed, and I guess in this case underwhelmed by people not impressed. When you feel as though it is the fault of attentions, or a “game” or understandings, you are not ruling out the possibility that people intended for better things to happen. The “game” of life, is not about partaking to a bible list of characters and stories in order for things to go right, all that is required for things to get better, is to stay real, to be honest, and to value one another, that includes the value that you lend to peoples stories in life, why “based on real life,” tends to be the most educational version of story we can relate to, unless its about heorism and overcoming some incredible odds, that makes a more comic book approach to valuing people, necessary. The power is within you to control your thoughts and your reactions in life, toward others, and about life in general, when you become unenthused by people, ask yourself what is your judgment that you are caring, to what ends are you unenthusiastic about a person, and under what circumstances do you feel some ideology not created by them is about them in life. Ive never quoted the movie “Legally Blonde” and Ive never made a joke about my legal education, which started 2006, studying for my LSAT. Whats unimpressive about me, is not the answer to your negative judgment of me, that had you not known me, you would not have put together “Laguna Woods” and “Legally Blonde” and “Elle Woods” the character from “Legally Blonde” Theres nothing funny about going to law school its for people who want to help others as far as Im concerned, its an extension of the services that you can already provide to others through therapy, psychiatry, counseling, except you have a professional degree in problem solving, and solution finding to remedy the troubles of others, whether you are on their side or defending them from a harm they have been experiencing in life. To me blogging is about protecting others from harm, and when there is ongoing gun violence, I think to myself, what can I do to protect others from harm, and whats necessary to discuss, whats coming from me, what is because of me, and why is there a vigil of flowers and a candle on San Vicente, who is that in honor of, had it not been my running path or neighborhood I would not think twice about it, but since it is in my neighborhood, and have not heard of any recent tragedies in my neighborhood, Im assuming its about the recent gun violence, and drawing a relationship to our neighborhood Brentwood as representative of the neighborhood “Laguna” because that is where Sydney’s Mom is from, and thats where OJ lived, in “Brentwood” where the floral and candle vigil is placed in my neighborhood, I grew up in since I was a child, on 200 N. Rockingham. I don’t need any unwanted attentions drawn toward me and pulled into controversy, if its about alluding to my identity, as though Im the uncomfortable subject in relationship to who “Elle Woods” represents and not being a figure representative of what it means to be smart and pretty, then clearly it is not my identity that anyone who is committing a crime is at odds with accepting, nor am I presenting online in any way that is difficult to accept. I attended an AA meeting the other night on zoom, and the speaker stated that one of her pet peeves was people who don’t show their face, usually my picture is attached to my zoom subscription but for some reason was not showing, so clearly I then showed my face, and also had trouble paying the venmo, you know when you feel insulted by someone who is pointing you out as though you are pet peeving them, maybe that’s not to their understanding, that you are not hiding your face on purpose, and not zooming with them. People assume that if they cant see you that there is something ominous about you, and that’s not how you should treat people that you know or recognize that name, that they are hiding something or their face for that matter on purpose or given the times. What you know about life is not what I know abou life, I grew up in a bubble, with people I know on TV, I wasn’t on the other side of the fence outside of OJ’s house, or outside of a news story, I was in the middle of a news story, so to me, that was attention to be ignored, what everyone is looking at, and have always been that way. Someone who does not have compassion for who I am, is judging my identity, or mental health issues, as being about “not being something,” you cant compare me to who is more successful from the story, and then say that my unhappiness, self-harm, or being suicidal, has anything to do with not being something, or anything being about me, if I don’t know you don’t make your discomfort about me, and point out my identity, like Im not feminine and doll like, and represent that face of what my pen name represents (someone new to my face told me that I have a “baby face,” that means I look young, its because my Mom is Asian and started me on Lancome face cream in college, so I practice skin care, and told me not to drink in college because it ages you, so I never was a big drinker) and the joke “my little pony” and “my molly doll” and “molly doll” “American Girl Magazine” and the doll my friend Katie had growing up that was too expensive and was not bought for me. So try to think. Where does your lack of enthusiasm come from, if its not wanting to know me and then looking around the room like Im the embarrassment, that’s your embarrassment for me, because you would not be proud of who you are if you were me, so that’s your discomfort, that you would not feel good being me, not something Im responsible for, and not what the consensus believes when it comes to me. So to continue to point me out like Im a source of discomfort, or some “secret gay story” that you have to hide under your rug, is not my intent to be some “big gay secret” on the inside of you, that is giving you something or some attention, that you have to do away with or have to hide from discussion or point out as though there is something defective with me, if you think its my identity that is causing gun violence it is not. I have called the FBI before and stated my concerns about others putting together stories on me, and they told me not to call under those circumstances, I have never failed to report anything being done to me without my permission, and allowed for myself to be treated in any way that I don’t deserve. I have to work like everyone else, Im being paid $14 an hour to work as a legal assistant, that’s with schizophrenia, and on a ton of sedating meds, including Invega shots once a month, and Trazedone for sleep and day meds adderrall, so thats my struggle, maybe you don’t think that Im doing everything right in life, to deserve to have a life, but I certainly don’t deserve to be treated like anything is my fault, nor am I pointing blame to anyone, to then single me out as being a sell out to some common understanding in life of making fun of me like “medium” making fun of people who are empaths and intuitive like me who grew up with a psychic who was my mentor and therapist during times of need, and taught me spirituality when I was overcoming addiction in college, and “cerebral’ who could be making fun of me for being talkative in writing expressing myself and sharing my thoughts which is what most of us do when we are going through a hard time and trying to get through our problems in life and strongly encouraged for us to write and to talk not keep things to ourselves. So Im doing my best on my end to stay positive, you know that’s just how it is, either people who feel good by you, or people bothered by you, in an instant, and I will never know what that’s about, Im not some truant or fraud, Im Leslie Allison Fischman, I suffer from schizophrenia, and delusion, since becoming a blogger, and not being famous with one famous best friend, and I am creative and always come up with ideas like a “therapy website” I pitched 2016, when I was coming up with ideas of how to help in “a general way,” so everything we have accessible to us today, is a product of that period in time when gun violence started, so please don’t think that no one is doing anything to help everyone get through this. There will always be more work to get done, and there will always be ways to help, but treating people like theyre the problem or wrongfully accuse people of incidences stemming from their identity being known is not the solution, please don’t judge me for my diagnosis, that doesn’t mean that you make sense and that I don’t make sense, it means there is a chemical imbalance that causes me to feel suicidal and to hit my head and get voices, and that’s not something in my control, and it gets worse when people think you are famous and reject you or point you out in life like things are your fault, and for everything to hit you without anyone talking to you, which is how most of my recent 30s have been people not talking to me, now people talk to me. So please do your best to stay positive, and not worry too much what people think, or mistreat others as though they are not the real deal, and who they say they are. Im a real person, with a real job, and maybe Im not famous, but Im not mentally ill, and maybe you think that schizophrenia means mentally ill toward you when really that’s you mentally ill toward me, if you have any questions you can call my attorney Richard Sudar, call the police, or call the FBI to state your concerns, that’s not my problem. And like all people when something bad happens, that’s a good time to think and take extra precautions in life, which is what writing this post is about, Im not the secret campaign or reference to reference in terms of other campaigns or discomforts, reference yourself and your life and what you can relate to, I don’t need anyone to do my job for me in life, or speak for me, I can speak for myself. Just like victims of crime can speak for themselves, and those that care about them can represent them for them, that’s not my job, to represent what people are thinking about me or victims of crime, and make people speak to what you are thinking, if it is stretching far beyond what is necessary in order to make people feel better, not to be criticized for who they know, or what is helping or not helping in terms of moving forward and coping. Do your best!

Originally posted 05/29/22.

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