advocacy, negative judgment, respect

Some See Life, Some See Death …

One of the scariest facts about life is death, and while you may not encounter the feeling or have been exposed first hand to the experience of dying, Im sure it is something that you have feared before, and especially now with the news of its happening, its not reassuring to hear that there are still people in existence who take lives, for reasons we will never know why, nor seek to justify, there are better minds to study in life, than those who take lives. One of biggest problems with addressing mental health issues is the stigma, although its not your fault to think negatively of people with mental health issues and be unattracted to the causes or circumstances, you never think that it will happen to you until it does, like bipolar, or being in a hospital with Kiefer Sutherland I think I remember seeing him once, on a 5150 hold, as a law student, you just do your best to stay positive. Life can be scary, why they always mention to drink to health, and toast to good health, and to practice gratitude, while our well days seem to outnumber the number of days sick in your younger years, that can change for you once you get mental health issues, it will feel like everyday is not a good day, and most days feel unmotivated, or unchanged, and that can be very frustrating, to not feel like yourself, to not feel well, to not feel motivated, to not be driven, to not be able to perform, to be downtrodden, to have to go through tremendous effort just to push yourself and get things done, recalling the days when you used to feel good studying, cleaning, and staying organized, what happens in mental illness? Your zest for life becomes replaced with thinking, thoughts, and feelings, that you become ashamed to worry or think about, and until it consumes you and you need to talk in therapy about those thoughts or series of thinking, no one can guess what youre thinking, so don’t leave it to others to assume for you what your problem is, it is to each of our birth rights and entitlement to figure out what is wrong with us, and why there is something wrong with us, at our own pace in life, its no ones job to tell you this is wrong with you because this happened, or this is wrong with you because of your Twitter, or this is wrong with you because of what you look like here or there, or this is wrong with you because of who you know, or this is wrong with you because you told this story, or this is wrong with you because you did this, or this is wrong with you because you thought this, or this is wrong with you because this person died, or this is wrong with you because you told this story so this is known about you, or this is wrong with you because what is wrong with you makes it seem like everyone knows what you have said, or if there are only a few who know something think that who knows things about you, knows whether you are guilty or not as to a happening or a death on the basis of something you have said or based upon an observation of them of you. Life becomes a circus when it gets to the point of people trying to produce a rationale for everything being done to make fun of you as embarrassment, and I can tell you that that form of disrespect and demoralization is not a life force, and will only make people who know of you distantly be made to not feel good by the exaggerated showing of disrespect, toward a person, who has never wronged anyone, not by talking $hit or being violent or aggressive toward anyone, if I have ever made a threat its been to “take it to court” I have never needed anything from anyone, I have only been nice to people, and no that does not entitle me to get along with everyone, for all I know people will complain as connected to me, as though my diagnosis becomes excuse for their discomfort toward me. I am not able to have normal conversations about life, because of blogging, I became something bigger, and I became something bigger, because who I was at my core was well liked, and because of a good showing, people noticed me and wanted to read my story, no matter how detailed, obtuse, or on point it ever sounded. People don’t feel comforted by me, because I don’t feel comforted by people, Im asexual I have been this way my whole life not sexually attracted to people, men or women, waited to have sex until I was 18 and did not drink until I turned 21, so not exposed to how it happens. I have social anxiety, so to be around people is a big deal to me, it’s a big production, its performing in front of a live audience to me, where I have to be hyper vigilant, and nice to everyone, cautious and careful of all my interactions and stay away from all people, and not interrupt the flow of conversation or their day, do my best. Not stand out in a bad way. So stay positive, at least you don’t have to be known, and at least you are not like me, who is responsible for how people feel who are connected to me, and blamed should anything bad happen to anyone I know in the event that Im not feeling well, or if someone thinks poorly of me, you can’t just dissociate to misassociate a person as having the wrong interests in life, criminal or poor minded, that seems to be the strategy for negotiating temperament towards people or justifying it, as though there were communications on my part inappropriate that entitles someone to behave that way toward me or speak to me as though Ive done something to them. People change on their own, I am not so aw inspiring or well known story to be embedded in anyone as a catapulting force of change or wakefulness to a higher state of being, that’s “the game,” “the game” is a situation of common purpose and understanding for losses, and how to overcome those losses and prevent their happening, but not allowing the same to happen, and to redress those losses, by fine tuning what it is we choose to focus on the positive or the negative, you really cant blame people who give up and misuse drugs meds or alcohol, its like rolling the dice you never know what is going to happen based on the times and circumstances sometimes feelings and substances don’t mix, and although we miss them and wish that their lives had not been lost in the mix, we only hope that we can be better decision makers in the future and know when to stop, when to get help, when to get sober, when to stay sober, and when to be consistent and focus on our health, and that health means more than just feeling good, and understand that sometimes mental health issues and med will mean that you will not feel good, you will feel tired, and you will not function as you were. This is why it’s a catch 22 to talk about self-harm and suicide, it only brings up the feelings all over again, and resentments that others have toward you, and it doesn’t help the argument against how all deaths and drug deaths and alcoholism is not related to the same discomforts in life or worldly understandings of the interconnectedness of human beings, communication, beliefs, and happenings in life. What happens for you in life, is part what you make happen and part what you interact with in your own environment, so be brave, we are just human beings, osmosis does not control the human body, blend in, but by all means own your identity and don’t be so impressionable, be trusting but don’t allow yourself to change and not like who you are on in the inside, love yourself. Find yourself, and the best way to find yourself is through writing and selfies. 

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