blogging

To Be Doing Well … (visiting #toddspitzer’s house, and overcoming delusion and talking to #orangecounty police in person).

To be doing well doesn’t mean that you are clear of not struggling or facing hardship in life or difficulty of opinion or interpretation of you, and that’s the problem with getting in trouble, or looking troubled (mental health issues) as a smoker or someone who is obese and not pretty to be viewed as unhappy or does not have things right for themselves in life to have things in life like happiness shown by a smile or a pleasant feeling or face to illustrate to others that you are feeling well and doing well in life, sometimes you get tired, hopefully only with yourself and not with others, never let enthusiasm drain you, that’s sometimes a good thing, even if it doesn’t involve you. Nothing going well is working not in your favor in life is what I think is the lesson to things going well and for something suddenly to go wrong, its everyones contribution to wellness when there is a wellness, its not caused by one person, or a result of the sharing of one persons life, love, or friendship, I think this is something to think about. 

To me visiting #toddspitzer’s house and office was about sharing that (1) Im not feeling well (2) What is bothering me (3) Illustrate that I want to help (4) Show that I have been helping (5) Not help in a way that people don’t want help (6) Help and not be viewed as help not well (7) To be doing well and for no one to help me (8) To not be doing well and for no one to help me, (8) Get back to normal and get help or go to the hospital (9) Not go to the hospital (10) Not be doing well, not working or staying home sick (11) Not able to attend meetings and do more things for accountability in terms of being normal socially and medication mental health wise. 

Things will always sound long and confusing and without a hint of purpose or solution when someone is discussing their problems, like the paragraph above, it will not make sense to care if it appears that someone does not know what is wrong or cannot identify what is wrong with them, and to be viewed strictly in terms of what they think is wrong with a person. What could be wrong with a person, if they are offensive, if they are unhappy or upset, if they are offended, if they are making things about themselves, if they are being defensive, if they are making people feel bad about their health, if they are blaming others, if their tone is not welcoming, if their tone is too strong, if their face is serious, if what they are saying is not important, if someone is making up excuses, if someone looks unhappy, is someone not being pleasant, why is someone not being loving, what is wrong with someone, and then you are examined. 

To me showing up, is about stating the issues, and hoping that work gets done to alleviate criticisms and issues regarding my health. I don’t think that working hard or doing well at work means that things are not my fault if Im concentrating on other things to say that my other cares were not affected when I was doing good work, and being proper. To me being proper is about being someone who you look at and don’t have a problem with that doesn’t mean that people need to be cool with you if your face is fixed, mean that things will feel better around you, that’s a personal trait to be happy for others, or to be feeling good about people and feeling good around people. Mostly when you are not feeling good its because of how things look, how you think you were treated, going backwards and analyzing others, or trying to analyze the present as though figures now are the same as the past. No matter how you have changed once you have mental health issues, life changes and that’s that no matter whos fault your mental health issues are. I think the beauty in others is when you are no longer upset by circumstances that they cannot get through and proud again of them of how far they have come to battle their obstacles in life, I don’t think Ive handled problems well in the past and like now, the worst can happen if you do not handle your problems sober or with a good mind on your head social and engage in romantic relationships without complaint and be courtesy of others time and attention to your mental health, life, and not be affected by you, like people having sex with you, you are not their problem and likewise they should not be your problem, that’s sharing space in the utmost confident and physical way, sex, and writing is not sex. Its not engaging in a bodily contact that changes your physical being to feel a certain way separate from the state that you were already in, its looking into the state of the mind of another, for deciphering, and that’s the beauty in reading, you assemble as its worth your while or not. 

Sometimes talking you think you will feel better, but because this was at a home that I am now not sure is his home, and because the police came to his house, and then took my drivers license and car keys away from me to talk for an hour or so on the curb, means that this was my opportunity to explain my fears, in the event there was real worry, to notify and make sure that things do not happen in that way and to “continue my education” as recommended by the Orange County Police and the previous visit “Not to Respond” to someone who I felt like was hurting my feelings. (Oh I see not doing well and not feeling good by others or not dating or having friends seems like Im not trying hard for the right reasons, why I feel like I don’t have lot, when I have a lot of clothes and a job and someone who likes me interested to text with). In summary I said “I just want to know how to help others who are made to feel scared by the actions of others” (I think we are all getting our strength back and (explained how I was doing well and that suddenly not doing well by lab results and a result of argument with someone threatening me to bring up shootings in connection with my identity in the form of a sexual website online, which I don’t think is fair to do). Like most people in the event that you are asked to get out of your car, all your freedoms are at stake Im assuming if there is something actually wrong with you that cannot be consoled and if you behave or speak in a way that demonstrates that you are of harm to self or others. I think that was my recent sadness about diagnosis, that no matter how well you are doing you could be treated as sick (because people wonder why aren’t you feeling good with me and in talking to me and feel insulted that you are down or positive and busy or working hard serious and not being loving tends to be what is asked for me the opposite of whats appropriate and what Im in the mood for when theyre well). A good sign is for people not to be affected by your troubles and I think Im doing a good job of that, but this all just felt like too much and I tried to talk on the subject and things got better, but then felt questioned again in life, and I guess that actually happened by the police. In reality. So that’s not purposeful or expected, after making 39 videos talking to myself recorded, which they asked to see and played two tapes for them, they asked for how long I was talking approximately 39 minutes in my car and outside my car parked away from his house. It really had nothing to do with him, but there lies a problem in me which cannot be solved by love friendship or therapy or work, which are my issues and its maybe depression. 

So today my head feels sick, I was allowed to drive home after talking, I offered to go to hospital or to take an Uber home (I don’t actually have the app and don’t have a credit card to pay for the service but offered). I thought that things would get better this time but they did not and feel worse today, than I did before I left my house, which means that this incident has created the opposite affect of being left alone, and has only made worse what people think of me, which is not the solution to getting better, nor is talking to others when you are not doing well. Which is what I think therapy is about, when you are in a state of not being happy and excited about life and feeling good and without enthusiasm then it is up to you to feel good and make things happen for you in life when you are feeling unmotivated or lose your stamina and determination it just means that you don’t feel good, and that could be a problem to others if you are not feeling good not make things better by not feeling good. 

Writing is not pleasure. Its therapy and its solution. Its my only solution to my problems. I have difficulty talking in therapy I don’t feel comfortable and in AA I cant really get into detail or discuss the negatives without looking bad or feeling bad if Im not feeling good its not something you share about whats not making you feel good, usually when you talk about yourself you talk about the positives in life, to help others who are not feeling good to feel good about their lives. Someone who cant help others is someone who is not well and schizophrenic or cannot date, being single doesn’t mean youre sick nor is not having a job, being single is about being strong and having energy for you to spare yourself the time and energy of engaging in sickness with others or discussions for that matter, which is why Im not feeling good talking about what was making me feel sick. So that’s how you go from well to sick in 4 weeks. And lose all your progress. And it will be in not feeling well that you get viewed as guilty with ample energy on the end of who was quiet to your wellness and aggressive toward keeping you out of their way or the way of others to label and stigmatize you as bearing some uncuranble illness that maybe takes a day or two to adjust and then recover for weeks gets strong again mentally pleasant. 

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