beingpositive, blogging

What’s Meaningful …

In order to help others you must first learn how to help yourself and get through your own problems in life, and I think I have managed just that. Everything else in life is more about how you make people feel and how many people get along with you, in order for things to go right for you in life. The bigger of a deal you make things out to be, the more disgruntled you become, the less competition matters, and the fewer resentments get held in life, so don’t.

There is a such thing as being merry at the end of the day for one another’s happiness in life. Who represents what is going well for you. From my experience when things are not going well for me people are hard on me, expose me, hurt me, try to sabotage me, and try to blame me for things, that’s in the event I am feeling frustrated or hitting my head suicidal. Then there are things absolutely overwhelming hard to get through cant function and go to the hospital.

Right now its about criticism and what gets to me, and so long as I don’t allow the jabs to get to me in life, no one can take away my stability in life, or so Ive learned it seems like if you care about the wrong things in life, you can easily be knocked off center and feel alone in the world, harder to connect with others and stay in a happy state of mind. 

To me blogging is about helping others, Im not sure what else I can provide past blogging when it comes to romance and friendship, its really hard to grapple with the fact that people feel close to you, and for you not to talk to anyone and have no real people in your life, I think Im overcoming that. But also as a blogger it would be nice to live life and not be judged for the people I let into my life, or be made to look bad by the wrong people who get into my life and hurt me in front of others. Im never asking for it, Im always sweet and friendly and loving, and if someone takes advantage of me being nice, then it turns into what it looks like when you are being threatened and insulted ugly, ugly faced, obese, and hitting my head. Since when has anyone ever made me feel that way toward myself, only online apparently get to your head.

That’s how easily a person can get to you in the wrong way in life if you let them into your private life. I don’t judge others so Im not sure where all the toughness comes from, like my life isn’t hard already and challenging to be around people and talk to others, to me its only through modeling that you are not seen as a victim and viewed as asking for it in life, as though you bring it on to yourself for others to hurt you and to not be helped by the police when it comes to simply taking a Facebook page down or talking to someone who is trying to talk to you, to kindly tell them not to talk to you anymore because its hurting their mental health to be threatened by you. I think I do a good job of backing off when there is fighting and I don’t believe in the silent treatment. I always respond to others and explain things to them, to get them to calm down, I don’t think its fair to be treated that way all accepting of others and for there to be so many conditions in order to be accepting of me, expect things to be better or different, who wants to be treated that way anyways sized up or changed to be “sexual” or to “make happy” or “to please.” 

Getting sexed up is about feeling good and making others feel good, its not about victimizing people who expose themselves to others, or creating a private argument behind the scenes through emails and texting to be viewed by a third party who is made to either turn on you or side with them. I think Im pretty hands on as a blogger and approachable, so its very painful to be questioned as though Im not doing my job behind the scenes to help make sure that things go right. Its like even if Im dying, disabled, or suicidal, Im still able to help someone and talk sense into them, but the same boundaries are not respected toward me, it seems to be full force toward me and I don’t understand what is bringing on that type of animosity from others. 

I was kind enough to share my story, and I know that I am special, I know that I make others feel good and feel included, and I understand what that is like when you cannot achieve that with someone else, so you create a situation in which I cannot give love and create a special feeling with another person. That’s romance, there will always be someone jealous of your peace, and sometimes you just have to pick and choose your battles wisely.

Love is a choice, you can choose to try or you don’t have to try. I don’t think I will ever date again for the rest of my life and will not go on bumble, its too disempowering to be known and have to past the test with everyone, what about my own test, that you should be trying hard to pass telling me about yourself, you know its not all about you feeling good, what about me feeling heard, and managing my privacy. Not everyone can get into the CIA and I don’t have to allow them to feel good knowing everything and seeing everything and taking all my arguments and inputs just for them to back off to clarify what is going on in their head looking at me and feeling challenged by the themes of what is occurring and why. 

You know its my life I have to protect, no one can help me and no one can defend me, that’s how dangerous and fragile loneliness is, for everyone connection another connection is lost, that’s worse than being orthodox, that’s possessiveness, its like you can be having good luck and someone who is not interested long term can connect for two seconds of your life and derail all your confidence, with respect for how long it took for you to get to where you are in life, if someone is not proud of the simple fact of your ability to date and to talk to others, then they should be more impressed with someone else who they can mentally challenge into liking them, I don’t have the patience to earn love from most people disinterested. 

I think being alone right now is a good thing for me, and to focus on work, and not take insult or jabs by anyone trying to sabotage what I was doing well in working. I have just lost my Father, Im thinking a lot about life and what I need to do in order to be proud of myself, it makes you take life that much more seriously, that you don’t have time to cut loose and to entertain others which is what I think most people want for you to let down your guard and for you to allow yourself to be hurt, you know I don’t do that to anyone elses identity bring them down in life, so its not okay to bring me down in life, as though I am something I am not in real life, I don’t think I am that sexual person that you are making me out to be, I have mental illness now schizophrenia, so allow me to be guarded and to concentrate, I don’t understand what is with everyone trying to break my concentration by insult, its as though Im expected to be loving sweet carefree and chase them and to respect them not having time to think about me and reach out to me, you know I don’t have time to chase something that I don’t need in life, sex, love, or support, if I can do better being on my own, then why be hurt by those things in life. And that’s very painful to accept about life, that when you are doing well you can be hurt by people who think its about sex and love, you know what goes right for you in life is how you get sex and love, when things are not going right for you in life you don’t get sex and love, and that’s life, its all about staying well so that you can be loved, and be taken seriously and work.

Everytime I have connected with someone, and we jive, why does that matrimony have to be broken up as though its not fun to see me happy getting along with another in public. What is so disturbing about someone else seeing the humor in life and thinking positively. Not everything is about making fun of people who you associate to OJ to blame them for what you think is a poor influence in life. Had I not friended #toddspitzer, we would not have had 10 years of no shootings, and 1 year of no shootings, and that’s how successful the people are with solving shootings is when they recognize me as someone trying to help and allow me to blog online and do my own things respective of everyones places in life. Its my platform and I can choose to help who I am capable of helping, shooting victims, and that’s not by getting along with criminals its by them respecting your story and where you come from, that they don’t bother hurt or try to attack you, that’s how I stay safe unarmed in life, apart of a big story, without a bodyguard or anyone to protect me and everyone knowing who I am. That’s how challenged I am in life mentally to be strong, and to be respected and to not be given a hard time in life based on who I know, or what causes I am supporting and how I am able to tell my story and share how I am helping without being hurt or made out to be someone who does not have a clear head on their shoulders making a positive difference.

I think I stayed alone, I graduated from law school and I got jobs, I didn’t stay obese and commit suicide. Im doing my job whether or not anyone is on board helping me, and whether or not you get the big picture of what is working well for others, there are no rules to charades, take life however you want to take things but don’t blame me for not jiving off random people online, or exposing people I have messaged as though they are jiving along to any scripts in life, let people be themselves. I love Todd and that will never stop, he is the only one who included me and makes and effort to make me feel included, he has allowed me to get well, helping me with mood stability and behavioral health be proper, and not self harm or get suicidal, and he has been patient with me and proud of me and has waited a year for me to get through saying what I need to say to allow me to be loving towards him and that’s a rare side of me no one sees. Only Rob and Aaron have seen me that way strong, proud, and loving, and never texted them too much and always kept busy and those relationships lasted for 2-3 years, and almost to marriage. I think Im in a different place in life, and I can understand if someone gets to know me and wants to have something with me, but if Im not attracted to them based on getting death threats and them being hurtful toward me then allow me to move on after 2 years of being threatened and get to model and be loving with someone else, I think I waited, Im not wasting another year of my life alone, I don’t want to die suicidal and alone, I deserve to love someone, Ive worked hard for it!

If you gave me a hard time, and then stalk me and watch me get well and be happy again, you will take away that happiness when you want to be included in it and be forgiven for giving me a hard time in life threatening me, if it takes me getting well for you to be mistaken that you hurt someone who is not trash then thats your poor judgment of me, that I dont have to correct what you have done wrong to me, by accepting you back into my life. I cant be there for everyone, especially if you are someone who is hurting me, if you are not paying me to care and expend my energy emotionally and mentally trying to figure out what you need to hear in order to be a positive person, then privately talking is not worth my energy to help anyone one-on-one.

When you are doing well and being loving and carefree nice, they expect you to stay that way, God forbid the stakes are raised and you are working on prevention and doing your best, they trash you until they can blame you for everything, then feel entitled to think that everyone is talking shit about you, instead of viewing people as on board to an interest that includes me staying well to get to be apart of too. So thats people taking a look around then excluding you as though all of that would have existed on its own without having known me or been influenced by me in the positive. I dont understand why its okay for people to be mean to me and Im not allowed to complain about it, what if nothing were my fault, then that would not entitle you to hurting me as though your stuck in some box of blame that you are blaming me for, its because you dont have me anymore, and you think that you were feeling good because of me, that you wont allow me to feel good, or blame me if Im not feeling good, like you made me feel good, to say Im not worth it. Typical bad breakup, resentful, the problem being in the other, whats good enough? What is your standard? Why is happy loving not good enough? What is your game?

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