blogging, body image, depression, dysmorphia

Feeling Misunderstood …

Something psychiatry can’t help you with is how you look or what people think of you, it’s the reverse feeling of empowerment to be situated worse off in life or convinced that you have a debilitating disease that cannot be overcome.

It doesn’t make sense to me how I can write and do well through blogging, when I speak well not when I write in short sentences or humor or modeling, things don’t improve for me mentally making those short disclosures that’s because as a public figure people want clarity they want to know what you are saying and why you are saying it.

As a blogger, they view you as a salesman or someone creating a product they think you want money or support from, help, I’ve never seen myself as charitable or in need of help, and that is not what talking to others us about not to lift me but to share upon becoming lifted from my problems. Like all people you will feel lifted and overcome the pain, suffering, negative voices, worry, or fear but not if you are made to see things in the negative or as a negative influence controlling your ideas or the ideas of others directed toward you.

Whether that’s writing in public, then be compared to someone homeless, then recall President Trump saying someone homeless set fire to Los Angeles, then recall the homeless encampments in Brentwood with American Flags, then recall my pen name or website named in part after a doll company, American Girl.

What causes sickness is to not be accepting of what you see or think or assemble, or will not always feel good and the feeling you get does not always mean who you are reminded of is guilty or bad or designate sources in life people or places as in combination with other ideas and concepts assume is not to feel good by or think they don’t feel good by others or what they see. Therefore a group consciousness is not the solution to undoing the harm caused by “voices” schizophrenia or reputation by last name, character, demonstrations, behavior, look, attitude, presentation be viewed as not one among, who is empowered, maybe not by the same things but that doesn’t mean that who is doing well should make anyone else feel more or less bad about themselves for where they are or what they think.

Some are living life as described, some are living life and described, some are living life and describing, some live life by direction, some live life by treatments, some live life by meds, some achieve, some do not, some overcome failure, some are punished, some struggle, some get upset, some speak well of others, some become frustrated by others, some understand you, and some misunderstand you feel threaten by you or think that you have the wrong ideas or thinking in life, I do think it’s possible to recognize which ideas are bad for your health and upon becoming successful as a blogger like me be able to speak fluidly about what has helped or what could hurt the esteems of others in terms of their own guilts or beliefs they should not be made to feel guilty for or feel sick by what is believed to contribute to mental illness or the people who speak about it.

For example … I haven’t been feeling well for three weeks now but I’m doing my best to get back to normal. I rested a week, and I’m working fewer hours per week, and got the first two days off of this week. I’m also visiting with a friend from elementary school right now. The one with the “Molly” doll if that makes anyone feel better. She was always positive in reminding me of who I was and how she sees me and things finally started to turn around for me eventually. This will take time, I think it’s good that I’m at least able to be social again and attend AA meetings there were times when that was difficult for me and when I did not feel comfortable or belong.

Earlier on this post about writing styles, when I’m not feeling well it’s also clear to me upon review to see my work and for it to not make sense to me. I’m always doing my best. That must be the diagnosis taken apart or as a whole what is the meaning or thought derived from what you are saying intending to mean or in summary convey and maybe as a blogger that’s not always a conscious choice to make relevant an idea or concept that you sense is being related to you’re working or drawn toward your identity for comparison or proof of wrongdoing or not speaking to or clarity evidenced by what you recognize to be of issue, able to help others with.

What’s too much? Telling people of your problems, financial, sexual, or social. Talking to yourself or put loud in public when you have something to say because you have no one to talk to. Or taking to people and not talking to yourself or talking out loud, which is a more productive use of your time while coping, to speak or not to speak, to get a diagnosis and meds or to be punished, to graduate or not graduate or not make it in life professionally? These are all good questions when it comes to for what reasons do people get mental illness and is it deserved?

I don’t think I deserve mental illness or voices. I don’t think that I lead a life that’s so far from the norm, dark, dangerous, or secretive, that should allow for me to have any demons in life obnoxious to the viewpoint of others, or commanding in a negative way a solid object that is scary looking or you think has capabilities built within them that can cause harms to others no one wants to be a scary looking human being who cannot speak clearly on meds and be judged for your deficits in life, and that’s what I worked through.

So what’s hard to accept is that is how I felt that’s what I went through and even if somethings hard to accept that doesn’t mean that you have to care for me or help others or fix them, and to not doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to hurting them beating them up or going through their things and challenge their body mind identity to what you think of them feel good off another’s deficits in life. Had I not been known I would not be strong armed with a strong hold over my head upon communication that stops me from functioning and being able to move. That’s how abrasive social interaction is for me.

That’s not what creates love, team empowerment, or strength, it’s the pain and suffering that brings other people down and as someone with mental illness maybe you don’t see it that way maybe you see things as mentally ill terms of looks, obesity, hygiene, photos, degrees.

And what doesn’t feel good is if I’m not feeling well, where I am, you expect hyper loving or combative or showy or loud or obnoxious or strong and scary looking or nervous or nerdy and a push over, whatever guilt or gay or Asexuality looks to you, so be it.

I know who I CHOOSE to love CHOOSE to improve for CHOOSE to disclose everything to CHOOSE to seek attentions from CHOOSE to open myself up for CHOOSE to model for CHOOSE to try to get to know READ all his articles on Google LOOKED AT all his pictures online and CONTINUE to demonstrate that I’m trying hard so that IM ALLOWED to improve ALLOWED to be social and ALLOWED to date, for everything else that makes you feel like $hit in life and worry become unstable you are not alone and I am one of them to care too.

That’s what’s too much. How things were, how “voices” make me feel and how I am affected to better the perspective of a psychiatrist or a doctor who does not believe in me can’t help me, and that doesn’t feel good either when how you look makes a person look good or bad and be changed or affected to explain another’s viewpoint.

Today: I go to AA, I have friends, I get replies, and in contact with two ex-boyfriends who I love and admire who have helped me by staying in my life so I’m not made to feel stuck in any feelings or by sharing as though I’ve not done a good job loving life and have helped others be treated as bigger than I am or knocked over like I’m above anyone I’m not I think we all suffer the same. Interest wise, some shine brighter than others. I have always shined bright no matter where I go, make friends easily, get jobs, get into schools, and today at 37 should be no different with mental health issues or meds called “schizophrenic.”

Sincerely,

Leslie Fischman

Dear Audience … (today is another day to rest so I can function work again). Not 100% yet.

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