Nothing Fake About It …

There’s nothing fake about being a woman of influence online, the extent being questionable, with no correspondence or requests to collaborate, I think it’s fair enough to just say that what is trending is what there is to go by in life, and so be it, the world is measured in life, that much we can’t change about what is trending on Alexa, or online for that matter. So respect the process, as I am, for determining the worth of information and influence online.

When I say “nothing fake about it,” I’m referring to my image online and selfie used for marketing, that’s me, that’s the best of me, that is what I look like normally, if not tired, or not keeping up with weight loss and a good skin care routine. And in terms of being girly, or coming across as girly, before the whole questionability changed in times of abstinence, that’s who I am detailed, that’s what maybe seems “girly” about me, and my singing voice, that’s what my voice sounds like when I sing, so that much I can’t change. The octave change talking to people, that is probably because Im a victim of homicide, so I was made to be scared of people, not trust people outside of my social circles in life, so that’s automatic, that’s not a masculine edge to who my audience is interpreted to be, who is half women, half men. “First things First” would be a play on words when it comes to the First Amendment, regarding speaking online, on topics relevant to gender, race, and disability, just subjects ongoing, that given who I am, would be a good barometer or reference to hear from, just to see what someone you know thinks. Or a reference to “Martha Stewart” who is a well-known home maker, and influencer in putting things together in a special way that makes one feel at home, her style, like Shabby Chic. I wouldn’t compare my punishment to hers, but I guess we all fall sometimes, due to not paying attention to who we are being harmed by suffer, or look bad, so that’s that, everyone’s different. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has looked bad in their life, at some point.

Letting people get to know you is one thing, stating your limits or disability is one thing, it’s not something I ever expected to be shared to millions of people online to question my credibility. I watched Fox News only for years, and would write, my family is Republican, so I have been conservative by nature, I don’t even dress up and wear heels, modeling became a new thing for pen pals while exploring beauty in my 30s and wearing expensive makeup, there’s always time to try new things, I’m sure Im not the only one who was subjected to sharing more of themselves during COVID, it probably became more normal than it ever was before. So I’m a representative of that generation, taking photos and sharing photos, and putting put in directories, and applying for jobs, and being reviewed by thousands of people, to be picked or rejected on the basis of how they are feeling, what about how we feel. There is so much disinterest in today’s world, that it makes no sense to me, why people are so busy and so preoccupied to talk to you, what else is going on in the world that people don’t have time to talk to you anymore, or become disinterested in you, I used to be into myself to before I got sick, always busy, never a dull moment, and pacing myself in life, not free writing, or journaling, and taking my time in life, I always had something to do, in school part-time working part-time.

This is why I love #toddspitzer, he is my first person in my life I have spent everyday with for more than a year, talking to everyday, growing, and improving around, beyond just family. In adulthood, you want to be out in the world meeting people and having a life for yourself, most people don’t want to be stuck at home. I think COVID was a really difficult time for most people financially, and blogging became something that a lot of people excelled at during that time and I was one of them, improving as I went, and figuring out Alexa, and stats, and content. I appreciate and value #toddspitzer in a way beyond just what an audience member can provide for me in life, that’s not a physical bond writing and reading, a physical bond, is someone who you wake up and greet every morning, and puts you to sleep at night every night, and makes sure that you’re okay and trugging along in life, and improving, building a life for yourself. I think he has the patience for me, because he knows how hard I studied and worked to be a paralegal or lawyer one day which didn’t happen. So he can appreciate me in a way where he not only views me as having potential, but also recognizes the paths to having a lesser life in life, and also doesn’t see me in that way, appreciates the productivity I have made of my life so far. So going back to work has been on my agenda for some time, it’s all a matter of getting stable and getting my energy and stamina back, so losing 50-65 lbs is on my agenda first this year and then I can decide what else to do with my life, probably life coach, and grow into that role, and I think I’m getting more comfortable moving in that direction in life, so long as I can stay professional and manage my private life well. You don’t expect to get hurt being open towards others, that doesn’t happen to most women, and Im sad that that happened to me, and interrupted my blogging career, my paralegal career, and my career for marriage. So that was a big learning lesson, and my Father passed away during that time, which was a tremendous loss for me, seeing that I was suffering, and that made it difficult to bond with family in a way that I was proud of myself, which is why I have put modeling and selfies on the side. I think a better measure of my mental health should be by my writing, not what my face looks like, I’ll have to figure out better ways to establish a sense of peace toward me, other than visuals or words, specific to what are the current aggravating factors toward me being demanded of me to read from others what they are thinking, that’s a hard path in life, and unfortunately I am one of those people. The hood of my car got keyed recently in the past 2 weeks or month since I last washed my car and washed my car today. So that’s another issue, what is that person angry about, why is that person angry toward me, why should I care?

(See song below): To me this song symbolizes my growth overcoming suicide, self-harm, negativity, voices, torture, combatting bad ideas toward me, representing myself well & others, overcoming death, losses, hardship, rejection, and weight loss, being put on meds for schizophrenia for a year made to feel slower, trouble getting going not running everyday, difficulty writing and speaking and taking good photos of myself, obesity, and struggling in life finding a job, and still able to keep going and stay alive, it means I don’t allow underhanded slaps toward me as discouragement or insult but I don’t allow myself to be brought down by conspiracy theory or out of court harassment threatening me in life, & stay positive achieve clarity and rise above & keep living as best I can whether that’s day to day, goal to goal, job to job, relationship changes, be a strong person in spite of. Live a better life for myself & others including all those following my blogs.