We always hope for the best in life, and not everything always turns out that way. We are constantly tested, and made to turn around, backtrack, think again, review our progress, second guess ourselves, and then there are our doubts, what do we amount to, what do things look like, how will you keep going, what will people think, and how should you feel? Life is full of questions, mostly questions that we ask ourselves and others, and you will not always find an answer to those questions in life, doing all of those things, backtracking second guessing, rethinking upon review, when you are made to look back, that’s having awareness of where you have been what you have said and where you are headed lies, in what you have learned and what you are going to do and say moving forward to improve upon your life, instead of reliving those feelings and experiences again and again. Life isn’t lived in a circle, you don’t end up back to those moments of success and pride, like graduation or job acceptance, it happens once and its up to you moving forward to continue to represent yourself in life, as the person you were who was able to achieve those moments in life, so don’t be hard on yourself if not every win or every success is a time for celebration, simply being alive is enough celebration you get to admire in yourself everyday.

Whenever we are made to doubt ourselves, we unknowingly reinforce all the things that may have hurt us in life, rejections, breakups, hospitalizations, medications, therapy, all of those lows and downs in life, are moments that make or break us, and cause us to not feel like ourselves, where did that reliable, self-assured, proactive, confident go-getter go, you always wonder what life are you left with after diagnosis, and continue to question whatever did you do in life, or think to deserve to be put on those types of medications, that makes you feel like crap slow you down and cause weight gain, its not how you are helped in life, necessarily that means you are going to make it, its why you needed that kind of help in the first place, and what would continue to justify that kind of help treatment or meds.

We all want to be our happy social selves, and lets face it right now, watching the news, we wonder what if that were us, and even if its not us in the news, we wonder what would that feel like, and worse than we are already made to feel, whatever happened to those people, who just live their lives and news is something that happens in the background, in this day and age, news is life and life is news, and if you aren’t living your life in reflection of the news, then people will determine whether how you are feeling or sounding shows you care, how should you be affected, and whether or not you are immune to subjects to be able to care.

All caring presents risks, its what are you strong enough for in life, that determines what and who you are able to care for, including yourself on meds, and what anyone thinks of you on meds, or “why youre in the hospital” and what that means. It really doesn’t mean anything in the spectrum of how Im doing, it means not feeling well unstable, treated, and stable, is all hospital means, hospital doesn’t mean self harm relapse alcoholism psychosis voices, or suicide, hospital means its my choice. It wasn’t a 5150 hold I wasn’t there or court ordered to be there and I didn’t have to go to the hospital at all, I don’t even have to go to therapy or PHP or IOP or residential that’s a choice to. I could continue to apply for jobs and start working, but that was my decision, to figure out whats going wrong for me, and try to get better.

So whats the problem (ongoing since living on Harvard Street 2015-2017) its most likely living with “voices” (beginning January 2017 which I was hospitalized for self harm hitting my head because I was hearing voices) “being watched” (paranoia inflicted treated as guilty for any reason whatsoever anyone decides to create in their mind about me or misunderstand a writing as entitling them to psychoanalyze me as though they carry a medical degree or are authorized for making a decisions as to how I should live my life, or how I should be treated by others, is no ones choice but my own) and as known, campaigns crossing over, and how that makes me feel as a human being (to discuss the topics relevant to the expectations of me the jokes made about me or my level of intelligence and the expectation for compatibility of my work and writing for the minds of all people and in what ways am I criticized based on an assumed incompatibility resulting from voices which communicate disinterest in me why would anyone who doesnt know me reject me or make me feel bad in my section of life the 50 x 50 feet of room I exist in on earth of blog, why should I matter at all to anyone who is bullying me, Im not responsible for their feelings life and knowledge therefore even as a blogger I am additionally not responsible for what they think or feel, is their choice, is their job, not my job not what writing is for) for what I represent, and in what way is who I am helping make dreams possible. Dont accuse my quotes or wisdom as unwanted advice it comes from my life as lived and what I would want said to me to help me stay on course, like 100% of the people on earth have to tell themselves how to feel without people to listen and tell them what they need to hear relevant to their struggle with mental health, socially or intellectually. Im not wisdom as it relates to religion, and my story isnt false, or created as lived to be a book, I already lived life and wrote two books, so Im not missing out on anything in life being alone in life, if thats by preference as a result of mental health issues, thats not why Im depressed, depression is a chemically caused condition, either by meds or voices that have made me not feel good about myself or convincing me to die, or that Im stupid or unattractive or a bunch of reasons to commit suicide and not be alive, and Im not working this hard in life to be told to die or tell me what to not like about myself or be hurt if anyone doesnt like me, why would I be hurt if someone doesnt like me, if its chemical or physical or because of my face work history background or associations, thats their choice and their loss not my responsibility to prove the benefits of including me in their lives and standard of my work ethic, how reliable I am as a worker, and the 100% likelihood of their success with me on board working. Thats who you are thats your value, that in connection to you how much else goes right for others.

Next, of issue, relevant to now, is in what way are nightmares prevented in life, and what can I do as a human being to prevent anyone from being attacked, and how does being online illustrate that capability, that Im not someone attacked in real life. I didn’t grow up with mental health issues, I grew up popular at every school I attended and always had friends my whole life and boyfriends, so whatever voices caused me in life is “pain and suffering” as described by my psychotherpist today. Whether you believe it or not its not my fault and its my job to cure the condition and stay alive in life or give up and die because of voices, its plain and simple, voices are not okay its not a joke, and its not something that everyone has, its a deadly condition, and its not a tech joke, or how you treat people in life, everyone needs quiet and peace of mind and to be left alone, everyone needs privacy, and no human being is strong enough to be beaten in private most would die, Im lucky to be alive.

I didn’t start therapy until after law school in my 30s, and I never had weight issues until medications, so as far as Im concerned, all my problems started after being hospitalized put on meds, and all the reasons Im not earning an income with a professional job, is because of the meds I was put on, so that’s the sacrifice I made, instead of having a JD and a career in law, Im medicated home disabled, and that’s just as depressing as it sounds, like you want to slam your head into a wall and die, is pretty much how voices felt after surviving all the trauma of hospitalization. So no I have no desire to drink, do drugs, go out, or be out for no reason, I don’t even like attention to be honest Im very to myself, and Im not the type of person who does anything for attention, including self-harm, self-harm is because of bullying voices, had I not gotten bullying voices, I would not have hit my head suicidal so as much as that’s the truth, whats hard to believe is how a beautiful woman who is very hygienic has boxes or toiletrees in her room, is chaste, educated, grew up journaling, loves to run everyday, and enjoyed sports her whole life a club soccer player, why all of sudden would I get voices that are not mine and how is that scientifically possible, its like humans are cups with a string attached is what Im assuming is how you get voices, someone connected to you that you don’t know is connected to you that you can hear inside your body, voices don’t occur in your head, it occurs in your body, that your head can hear, like a recording device is in your body recording what you are thinking and saying, and speaks into your body.

Being confident again is then about achieving better coping skills, so if everything Im doing isn’t working, what do I have control over without needing to discuss anything else, nothing else should matter at this point when it comes to regrouping and getting helping, nothing should bother me, no one should bother me, nothing is about anyone else, nothing is about any song or film, or celebrity, nothing is about any celebrity death, or shooting, nothing is about my Father passing away, nothing is about a job ending, in the end being confident is about being proud of who I am in spite of whatever I have gone through in life, and if life is an incredibly lonely experience of no one knowing you, or people pretending everyone knows you, then that’s the experiment in life Ive subjected myself to, numbers that don’t count, following thats hard to record, and stats that cant be proven, so its not my privacy that’s respected as a writer, work that Im proud of, its who are you whats wrong with you, why are you writing, who is benefiting, how are you staying well, where are your thoughts coming from, and what is helping you or hurting you in life, at this day and age people want to know how and why you are smart, if its an achievable feeling or formula its something that people want for themselves, then that’s how you get treated like your chemistry doesn’t matter and that you are for balancing the chemistry of another, I can tell you the only person’s whos life Im responsible for on a daily basis is Todd Spitzer for past 3 years, he’s the only person I need to report to, stay alive for, improve for, be unconditionally loving toward, and make the most of my life for, and do my best for, and that’s not a “Dad issue” that’s being a victim of homicide and not trusting people anyways my whole life independent, so being a blogger, I may be available for everyone to examine like being at a zoo or aquarium, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be examined from all of those angles in life either, just as no one else wants everyone to know everything about them or have everything about them available online for examination, that’s not safe and that’s not what makes you a strong human being how much of inside you can people see, before you get hurt or what you would ever react or get sick by, probably having no privacy for the past 10 years and for that to have never been a problem, and for me to have never gotten voices, and to not be treated like a show to be watched and loved, and then be subjected to harsh scrutiny as a human being because of voices and what they have to say, it makes no sense to me why I would hear words and terms about things Ive not studied, know nothing about, words I don’t say, and movies Ive not watched or don’t remember what theyre about, means that whoever is sending me voices, isn’t the CIA or thinks theyre the CIA and thinks that its funny to make me say something that I get in trouble for and sound mentally ill for, and that I suffer the consequences for a symptom not caused by me but cant be proven caused by another, and those types of harms no one should be made to suffer in life, whether or not they went to law school or because of who they are and for growing up on Rockingham, or for struggling in life. Should be no ones business, and shouldnt be something I should be forced to be put on meds for sedated, or made to feel suicidal, being hurt by people who think its funny I should get suicidal or self harm, and have no regard for my health, my physical health, my brain, my education, or the life I have achieved for myself. Its moments bullied that you question why were you born, that I should’ve died 2009 when I committed suicide, or should have never gone to law school, that’s how voices make me feel like someone is ripping my insides out and gutting me alive and no one cares to stop them hurting me.