mental illness, negative judgment, sex

Dont Be Ruled by Your Insecurities …

woman with paper with cross sign

As someone who is notoriously insecure, a push over, doormat, and subservient to men, its not my nature to think of myself before others, and perhaps that is the one misjudgment of someone who sounds smart, thinking that I view myself to be above anyone, and that’s not confidence either, since I am someone who notoriously has low self-esteem, overweight the majority of my life, never thin, all except two years of my life, made it to the 130s, and was proud of myself. I think Ive changed.

I don’t think I have ever not taken naps in my entire life been at peace. Its only at 35, that you feel this unnerving push, that if you don’t go with the flow, can end up causing you to freeze, more times than you feel able to move forward. I think its customary for most life coaches, or motivational speakers to feel good, I think running does that for me, and I don’t think that its in writing, that Im made to feel that way, secure.

Writing is a very time consuming and emotionally draining process of weighing your own feelings, and taking into consideration the feelings of others, I think if I didn’t care what people think, I don’t think that I would be as well liked online, maybe that just means that a different kind of inspiration was found in me, and maybe not in the general feel good way, sometimes feeling safe, means knowing what people are thinking, and I think so long as someone who is judging me knows what I am thinking, then they know my direction in life, my purpose in life, and hopefully feel that less threatened by anything I am doing for myself in life, in favor of everyone underrepresented. 

According to, “And until we learn to provide a secure base for ourselves, our insecurities will hurt the relationships we try to form with others. If we don’t attend to our insecurities, they often incite fears of inadequacy and abandonment, which can wear down both people in the relationship.” [1]

How does perspective affect the relationships we form with others? I think if you are someone who is naturally a people person, such as myself, that trait will always be with you, a part of your life, that tells you that you are capable, if you set your mind to it. I think more often than not, when we feel withdrawn, it reflects directly on what is going well for us in life, or not going well, so in the event that things are not going well for you, can make dating and friendship (basic talking skills, talking to friends) more difficult. That’s not being anti-social, that’s being insecure, not able to go out of your way to have conversations with friends, especially those who reach out to you in life. What does despondence mean? I think if youre not being social, not dating, and don’t have a life (meaning a job), you get viewed as being despondent, someone who does not want to be social or someone who does not want to date or move forward. Why does that matter? If you are not moving forward, theres a chance that someone from your past, will blame you, as though because your life is not successful, to blame you as though knowing you, being around you, or being apart of your life, is weighing them down, by any disinterest you are having in life, motivation wise. Its always easier for people to move forward when someone from their past is being taken care of, or is busy taking care of someone else, so they don’t have to worry about whether they did a good job of taking care of you when they were with you. 

I think we all want to be happy for others. I also think that we all don’t want to be disappointed. And we all don’t want to face the pressure of guilt, that is being made to feel responsible should someone not be doing well in life, this is why I became a blogger, its something to do, in the event that I cant find a job, while trying to graduate from Law School, a huge investment in my future, its not cheap. Law School is not a ticket to acceptance, unfortunately it’s a ticket for passing negative judgment of you, whether that’s jealously, or thinking that you need to sound smarter, or have done something more commendable, it’s a higher standard that you are held to, that makes people think that they can do whatever they want to you, or say whatever they want, or cause you to feel however they want, just because you went to Law School and based on your Honor Thesis book title: “Managing Emotions While Working on a Crisis Hotline.”

Its not the blurb that brings you down in life, its by title, resume (description), work history, exposure to issues, that someone learns to see like you, and sometimes that creates ideas for people, and hopefully that doesn’t create ideas for people to make you look bad, or to prove you wrong in life, as though you are not who you say you are, it will always be someone who tries to claim that they are a victim to you being nice to them, that you get made to look bad, and the person you become after being insulted, will be the person withdrawn, uptight, in pain, and not loving, which is what happened to my enthusiasm, my touch (noticeable on all things made by me).

So that’s someone not understanding where you are coming from, and upon mention, causes you physical illness, to not allow for a positive representation of their interest in defaming you, trying to convince you that your mentally ill, or try to convince you or others that you are not who you say you are. I don’t know how much smarter I need to be to be trusted, I think not having anyone in my life, is the solution, to not be blamed, for being in someones life, and for them not to feel helped by me, and its arguments like that, that causes a distance between me and anyone who was willing to support me, but will have difficulty supporting me, if they find out who does not support me, who has moved on in life, and expects me to just stay well, while theyre campaigning against me in life, to me, and to others, so that no one believe me, so that no one support me, so that no one can empathize with me.

The reason why others may find difficulty empathizing with me, is because Im in pain, Im on meds, Im tired, and I have disability. Disability meaning bipolar, so whether that configures everything in a way, that allows for demonstrations of hate to occur, I don’t think that’s the solution for peace to hurt me, that’s not the solution for prevention, to hurt me, and that’s not the solution for justice to hurt me. That’s a personal solution to feeling better, if it requires you to hurt someone to feel good, is not something that the FBI cares about, is not something that The AP Press cares about, is not something that The NBA cares about, is not something that #SCOTUS cares about, and is not something that the CDC or WHO cares about, individual issues that individual people have with people, that’s not what luck is about, that’s not what disease is about, and that’s not what mental health is about.

So while you may like to credit yourself to cause: emotional imbalance, to cause chemical imbalance, to cause a reaction, that’s for your edification, trying to understand the mental distress, mental health issues, that you are trying to stir to create mental illness. If youre thinking that way, its you that is having mentally ill thoughts toward me, and if you don’t feel well looking at me, it is you that has mental illness looking at me, and if its you that does not like me, its you that feels sick looking at me, thinking that I need you, want you in that way, or just the thought of knowing me or being close to me, if you feel sick, means that its not a match.

That could mean that youre above me, that could mean that youre intimidated by me, or that could mean that you don’t know how to help me, you don’t know what my issues are, or you don’t know me well enough, to display the issues, to communicate my struggles in life, which is not anything that anyone wants to see, or cares about, how long it took to get well, and what are the causes for me pushing myself to stay well, maybe its not to get well in life, not for sex reasons. If I am well, then that means that I don’t need sex, I don’t want sex, and that sex is not my solution to feeling good and doing well in life, and if its something that has caused me illness in the past, then its not anyones job to tell the whole world what is wrong with me or how that relates to everyones vaccinations right now, in avoidance of illness, the times are difficult, lets not make everything about sex, attraction, procreation, and defamation. 



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