Theres No Such Thing as Pretending …

medical stethoscope with red paper heart on white surface

Theres no such thing as pretending, we are all human, and when our defenses are down no one expects to be hurt, just as anyone who you cant see, or don’t admire, you don’t want to think about, or be told anything bad about someone, made to feel uncomfortable by them, and that’s something no one can help you with, what people think of you, and where their confidence is coming from, it should certainly not be coming from my insecurities in life. We don’t really need eachother, until there is a misunderstanding, and unfortunately I am someone who makes people feel better or smarter, and maybe by the way I have shared my story they feel entitled, to pester me, bully me, intimidate me, or insult me for reaction or tantrum. Im now 35, I don’t have time to understand the underlying causes for voices, Im not social, I don’t date, I don’t drink, I don’t go out, and I don’t date and I don’t do drugs, so if for any reason, I am being made fun of, as though that’s a heartwarming way to make fun of someone and treat them like they are asleep or not attentive, or observant, would be using your perspective to make me sound stupid or to mess with my head. I am the same person in public as I am in private, and I treat all people the same, I don’t try to make friends, and I am not willing to put the effort into it and be made fun of, shocking as it seems its really not worth it for me to try hard in life anymore, not considering the amount of guilt blame a shame that occurs upon peoples feelings and instincts, which are not registered by your confidence and feelings in life. So that’s not giving my power away, that’s not being able to negotiate a set of terms for not being hurt by anyone who views me as guilty, by whatever they have heard or read, and if its been an accurate account of intimidation and treated as stupid, then that’s the truth and its not my responsibility to go back and correct anyone who treated me as imitation or gone, disabled or mentally ill, I also refuse to allow for the State of California be set on fire multiple times and not say anything and that was a choice to start blogging again, maybe a more quiet life could have been lived attending AA and taking jobs and allowing people to treat me as guilty, or for a like, then treat me as reject or offender, and that’s not what being close to people is about, liking people then becoming upset with me, and then blaming people who are working hard as being responsible for your own upsets in life, who then has the power to dictate what people think and what makes sense to them when it comes to prevention. To me prevention is about wellness, so if there ever came a time, when anyone was disappointed with me, maybe that was me improving, or working on my smarts, not figuring out how to tell my story, or by what pieces of information need to be shared, that’s not how people connect to you, know you or respect you, that then becomes the basis of a fight which I am not trying to be victim to anyones dislike for me. That’s a personal issue that someone has when they don’t feel good by you, or if they cant control you, or change your face, or see improvement, or connect and feel a benefit, or feel love, or be apart of some kind of peace that is created when two people can communicate absent minded anyone else projections in life, but all of that is lost upon a loss of respect, and that’s when people turn on you and try to make you look like someone who is not smart because you didn’t get into good schools, or treat you as stupid because you are not getting laid and do not have friends or treat you as awkward, if you are in shock and working your hardest wrote two million words in a years time and graduated from law school, and maybe that’s not enough work to convince anyone that its not by guilt that I am awake and alert its by responsibility that its my job to make things better if no one else has the voice, and sense of confidence on the issues to say anything in a non-confrontational way to not empower the wrong people to hurt people like me treat me like Im on the outside or putting myself or anyone else at risk of harm. Its hard to navigate in life, with no human interaction, friendship or job, that’s a privilege to go by other people, and not something I need clues for or to critique anyone in regards to their demonstration of what the issues are. It seems if you create a position for yourself, that someone thinks is because of OJ, then you get disrespected and if no one else can fill the shoes of whoever is speaking, then what is the result for proving a point, for disrespect, I don’t think love or companionship is an accurate justification for rejection or trashing of anyones identity, if you have not benefited from knowing me then I would never credit myself for anyone made to feel good or innocent by me, then try to prosecute them, that’s when others are in the wrong reading like its about them, or pushing you to broaden your understanding of the issues, as though you are not thinking of others, and that’s when change occurs, when people read, then think different then treat you as though they are taking personally something you have said as being about them, and most of what I go through is a real example of people being hard on you, no one explaining anything to you, no advice given, no support, no legal advice, no judicial restraint upon the people, and that’s when either the best shine free of harm left alone, or someone tries to get inside my mind or my life, and treat me as guilty, and that’s using someones body mind and face, to experiment to improve upon ones understanding of human connection then hurt me like I don’t understand the beauty of life, or value and appreciate my own connections in life. That’s life some get smarter, and some get dumber, and the more isolated you become, the bigger the argument in favor of being out of touch with reality, or “at risk of harm to self or others,” its not me that’s a loose canon its someone without an understanding of mental health issues or why meds are prescribed, it’s a state of fear disability voices self harm and suicide, that’s not preconditioned based upon education its because of attachments and being ignored and not being close to anyone, alone. No one needs to know my pains in life to better understand me, or others, its simple you are either loved and respected and admired or you are ignored. 

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