The Point of Disappointment …

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If the theme is improvement, then that will be the cause for hardship. If the source of pride is graduation, then that will be the point of attack. If its in who you support blamed, then that will be the cause for negative interpretation, until ultimately someone will ask who are you, what have you done with your life, what do you represent and who are you being strong for if not yourself, and how do you think things will go right again in this Country. If not by complaint, and without recognition of what has gone wrong, you will not continue on, so the more people can hold you to in terms of how they have been hurt, the further away from life goals you get to such as respect, job, friendship, or romance. And that’s the cost of being treated by each person you meet as the deciding factor in your future, maybe no one will understand suicide until it happens to you, with the perfect blog, the perfect GPA, and the perfect opportunities to go back to work, and maybe that’s someone who doesn’t understand mental illness, which is not about people, and the more you make mental health about people, the worse you feel, and the worse your standing as normal is valued, and the more you are blamed for whatever they think you are blaming your purposes in life, as for superficial reasons to appear right, that really makes no one look wrong until you become ineffective. If you want to know how mistreatment occurs it will be by a witnessing of a condition, thought that a person is less than, a reaction poor, then all situations afterward to demonstrate that someone is not paying attention, cannot sense others, or is not paying attention to others, and those conditions occur when you are focused on yourself and if your goals in life seem unimpressive such as weight loss. That is how respect is lost, and then for the rest of your life you get threatened and treated as someone who is all of those things that someone saw you as, which is why you never stay well for long, and get sick upon mentioning any instance in which you seemed like you had drug or alcohol problems or promiscuous. Not all who are well are at the podium. It seems anyone who knows me is made unhappy or unimpressed by me, in the movement longer, and that has never been anything I have not valued about others their independence and not something I would question, life becomes more difficult the more you explain how you got sick or why, and the worse you feel the more wrong you appear which is how mental illness is a condition that improves those who do not wish to care for you, or understand you, and wish to see that you have done wrong, and will do anything to prove that you don’t deserve to be places in life. Never have I made anyone feel weak or guilty, that’s not my personality, most people feel better than me, smarter than me, and stronger than me, that’s not something Im skilled at lighting up a room, or controlling an audience, or managing people, Ive stepped down from every opportunity to manage people, and that will occur upon feeling hurt, when hurt its not that you don’t have the heart to help others, it will be something about you, that no one is helping you with, then expects you to help people who can help themselves, and whichever organization thought that my book was not helpful or insightful in that way, it will be to repeat what was written and then hurt me the same, on the basis of what they consider addiction? Taking as prescribed, or having surgery then working, is a normal condition of hesitancy. Now its become about mental illness, taunting, or bullying, alone then trying to manifest a condition in me, that attracts a different set of attentions around me out in public, and while I may not have made it back out into the real world in one piece, its also my job to establish a sense of normalcy, and get strong again so that I can work, this is not anything that I need to write about or be pushed to discuss, most people let go when they feel understood, unfortunately no one has ever gone out of their way to not push me when Im down, not hurt me when Im lost, or not intimidate me when Im doing well, nothing is forever including tone, temperament, and intelligence. And all of that can be lost through fighting, it hurts your head, its hard to understand, it doesn’t make you look good, and that’s not what fighting is about who looks better than who for love or competition or respect, that’s not how to make women out of girls. 

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