beingpositive, beingtoomuch, blogging

Being from a Different Breed …

Finding yourself is about broadening your horizons, they always tell you to try new things, meet new people, as you get to know yourself and live a little, you become more or less susceptible to being hurt in the process of finding your way. So even if it takes you a few failed attempts at trying really hard in life in an area your not so skilled in, free writing, blogging, or modeling, don’t forget to try, you will never know the experience of being you in another version yourself later down the road, if you don’t try and test your limits every now and then, hopefully not with people in that respect. Overtime you get used to your demeanor, options in life, what people think or could think, and what you later decide to make about you, maybe its obvious to others not being in your life to meet you know you or think that they know where youre headed in life or what your purpose in life is for being anywhere you don’t belong, whether that’s in trouble or around people who witness you overcome hurdles in life, everything is a learning experience, its what you allow to bother you, boundaries, and how close you are with others that ultimately makes or breaks you in the time it takes to turn around and get back to being who you are, the world is not a nice place, and its usually by rumor or what is known about you that people ultimately make decisions on whether to have you in their life, or whether to rid themselves of having you around in their life and that can be a painful experience no matter who that is with or what the circumstances are. I don’t think you need to be an attorney to get the concept of politics, humor, and why people think bad things happen, but I have never been immune I feel like from discussion, maybe that’s just my life, something that gets observed and either gets you thinking or gets others thinking, I don’t think you have to know end consequences in life of opening up, but hopefully its never on the basis of there something being about you you have to explain to others, or overhear as there being an issue you ever think relevant to who you were as a person in life to others, or who you are later viewed as being to others, treated as less than, or in admiration of another in support of someone, I think everyone has their limits, and all image concerns aside, what are politics? To me politics are being known, or someone being known in tandem to you and based on an overall scope of what youre about either accepted, loved, given the benefit of the doubt, bettered, more accepted, or viewed as being special, that elevated state of people around you is about wellness, its never about you, whether youre in the room or not in the room, you belong wherever suits you best, so the point Im getting at is that upon becoming known, whether by blog, job title, or friendship, that doesn’t make you any more valued or considered a person of valued input, not until you share and that’s how you allow others to get to know you, so in the interest of continuing through my recovery from “voices” schizophrenia, it was important for me to visit court, not to perform in front of others, to blog in front of my courthouse that Im assigned to, so that they can see where Im at mentally, what Im going through, what Im struggling with, and if I cant be there comfortably in public that’s a good indicator of whether Im fit to go back to AA or to be around others running at the park, that was my simple assessment, of moving from going through things personally, to being treated for mental health issues in a home not a hospital put on new meds given a new diagnosis, along with everything going on in life, being there for friends through losses, and being a good person, I think that goes without saying that I have always cared whether I knew why to care or who anyones parents are or were to others in the entertainment industry, these are things you learn later in life, and if it has always mattered to stay well based on who you are connected to important, that is nothing I have ever had to be sick to understand the difference between when people are around and in your life versus when you are alone and hard to get through to. I think I have never shyed away from living life, it was only until after visiting DC and recently suffering a job opportunity lost to work in DC one summer, that I cam to terms with losing potential in life, and that was worth every minute of being single and graduating from law school, maybe that wasn’t important to have things in life an apartment, or boyfriend, or fancy BMW, but I lost everything in the process, including my rent controlled dream home in Santa Monica, because of a lack of awareness for where everyone else is at in life, and it shouldn’t take you to leave situations in life, law school, high school, college, or DC to recognize what it is you want to better about yourself so that you can have friends, do have a life, and if youre lucky well enough to work for important people in life, which is the quality of work experience Im missing out on in life right now, close, but way to far from being able to finishing a JD and becoming an Attorney, and was lucky enough to get a couple replies from the Orange County DA’s Office. I think youre love life matters, but whats more important for you to describe is not who comes into your life and leaves your life be remembered as being special to you or special to know of, but what makes you special and someone worth knowing in life, don’t forget about yourself, there is plenty of competition out there, if Ive ever viewed my limits in life its been about health, wellness, achievement, and confidence, never about what anyone else has in life and maybe that’s me being privileged to having had excellent friends in life who are successful, social, and doing well with families of their own now, that was my exposure growing up, so there is no chance in hell that the reason I am online is not to help create and provide for a life for myself and for people in my life to still be excited to know me, the person whos house they grew up going to, co-captain of the volleyball and soccer teams, MVP of my club soccer team at camp in Santa Barbara, and Hatrick Hero at California State Cup in San Bernardino against San Diego Surf. All of those accomplishments in life are not selling points to a story to be blended with the identities of locations or stories of crime, that’s never what my life was about growing up best friends to someone who was personally and permanently affected by crime, why would I want to be another example of disappointment to her in life, if anything I am always doing my best to not affect her with anything Im going through, and maybe that’s how I cant be there for friends, and how blogging helped me to be myself again, you will change in life and not know why, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being too serious, or too reserved, or standoffish, you have to go by your feelings in life and stick to what your comfortable with, and sometimes that means that you cant be a Victim Advocate, this I learned while on probation interviewed in the Valley, and was told to wait until cleared from probation and same with the #usarmy who I have been applying to throughout the years, so that’s how you let others down when you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean that youre less sensitive to their issues, or not the fully functioning nurturing person you are capable of becoming, I think as women we all go through phases of tolerance being there for others, upset, let down, and eventually you learn how to behave in any event that you have ever felt wronged, and it starts with not being intimidated by anyone or insulted by any closeness or friendliness, that took many years and many failed relationships to finally get the hang of being close to men and also maintaining friendships or closeness to women, and that’s what you miss out on in life, when youre unstable, not confident, or struggling communication wise, get stuck trying to accommodate people more than you are able to be accommodated in life, and that’s learning your limits in speaking to others, knowing the stress and tolerance levels of others and also learn to recognize that based on your “legal education,” you are either treated as smart or stupid on the basis of what someone thinks of you either by “friend title,” “upbringing,” “diagnosis,” so chose to denominate you in life and there is nothing you can do past the point of someone thinking they are better than you and also treating you like youre beneathe them “code wise,” or by “sexuality,” think that they know you better than you know yourself, so its been hard accepting the new diagnosis of “schizophrenia” which I think I half insult and lack of recognition of what I have been through and able to achieve “be treated as wrong or in error or nonsensical,” so this is something I don’t understand what the concept of support through therapy is about, if something is bothering me, then its not something that I need to talk about to continue to bother me, that’s not how I solve a problem based on anyone telling me whats wrong with me and maybe that’s where I need work, because clearly on my own, Ive had good years and bad years and now recently dismayed to have subjected myself to a negative viewpoint based upon “treatment center” chosen, at this point where ever you end up in life and whoever you later come to know, meet by accident on NBC “DA Spitzer,” these people end up in your life for reason, whether you need to report to them, or simply being nice introducing self or going out of your way to either inform them of something odd you have witnessed on the 405 on your way to “rehab,” someone dressed in Orange head to toe and a man laying on the freeway floor, that was a traumatizing experience, for DA Spitzer to later have witnessed a “shooting” in Orange County while I was there, and also time consuming to be in treatment for 3 weeks on Invega, after suffering a family friend’s recent loss, whos Father passed away. You cant explain trauma to anyone who looks at you and thinks that you cause problems in life or because of where you are problems are happening, and that’s not then intent of informing before being hospitalized in another City, notified him, already aware of the being welcome places or not based on my mental health, and am still here for him through 30 Days of #laxcourthouse appearances on Day 28 I have three days more to attend and write, to illustrate improvement, that’s showing up “suicidal” which for me in light headed, voices, tired, stressed, feeling like a failure, cant figure out how to get well, not doing well, facing potential legal troubles, or feeling intimidated in life, or insulted by anyones wrongful portrayal or attitude directed toward me or my family like I haven’t been there enough over 5 years running everyday, blogging if I can and attending AA meetings, out and about, social, not hiding, and stayed home, to me that’s caring about my community, and that’s also not without consequence, the same community that is built based on the safety needs of others, also becomes your stress or issue, should you leave a situation, that is ever made to not feel safe or happy with you, you cant promise the world to everyone, this you learn as an adult, there wont always be the total effect of everyone being well, you doing well, and able to work, given job opportunities, and not hurt when youre up, to me living life becomes a struggle when after trying to have a life and working for two years and both opportunities lost in the event of dating, including my job in DC, these are real attachments in life, and if you are only as well of the picking as the life you lead, then I think I always make the right decision when I leave a situation when the job fails or forced to be hospitalized in the event that I am dating, that’s nothing to do with sexuality, that’s all about focus, maybe some are better at balancing everything, that’s just something I have been saving myself for, that doesn’t mean that Im a prude, or have not tried to date, dating is hard its something you have to be well for. So when I wrote this post I was loosely reference the whole social movement thing and female empowerment, which I don’t think always works off women to women or men to women or women to men, that’s what I meant by being of a different breed, we all develop confidences in life at different points in life, and that’s nothing that you are expected to have know how or skill in friendships, flirting, dating, or how to respond to one another, I think as you go through recovery, and come to find yourself, you expect less for people to approach you, which is why getting in trouble creates problems for you in life when you cant approach others or you have difficult opening up to others not wanting to stress people out with your problems, or diagnosis, or be treated like a poor influence or someone who has guilt or be treated as someone going off of others who doesn’t report and talk to the police, that I think I do an excellent job of, of any scale, if youre a blogger, that’s totally okay to ask questions, I don’t think anyone is expected to be held to a standard of think tank or Corporation, not unless it’s a quality or standard that you apply for and actually take seriously the repercussions of what you have to offer the world, meaning is what you are creating of value and professionally distributed (yes, wordpress), and is the quality of your content free of (guilt, or harm to self, or reputations of others), and that’s what makes being a “public figure” difficult, they hurt you if they don’t like you, but then you get hurt by who hurts you and what they have to say toward you, which makes who I am in real life have nothing to do with any intimate conversations that have not gone well reflect any type of communication appropriate given my “mental health” to be treated like Im more capable than I have been to function, based on the meds prescribed, tired, sedentary, or pacing myself in life, that’s not guilt, that’s simply learning how to function on different meds, and eventually overtime as you improve over the years you pick up pace and become more awake and high functioning throughout the day, and learn to be a night person or day person, not everyone will be happy with you in life, and sometimes its people who are doing better than you or more well than you, when criticized hurts the most, not being in your shoes and having to be yourself, under any amount of criticism in life, those are people you leave alone, you don’t bother, and if you ever go through anything in life, don’t mention, and that’s how to stay out of trouble, make new friends, and move on in life, and still get to be there for others at a later point in life, as though the issues aren’t as personal as you have made them out to be being on your own, that’s the benefit of living life, people continue to grow to and move on without you, and that’s the beauty of life, not necessarily forgiveness, this is why not to hurt yourself or others, that’s what makes accepting you difficult and gives people a reason to be cold to you, or difficult toward you based on who they think you are or who they think you have not been well towards, and that’s why with a mental health issue, that subjects me to harm, to be a push over in life, or bossed around, as though Im in need of support, or reminder of where I stand in life, or try to improve on my own, and set myself apart from others, which was another way I found to improve in life, maybe not the best plan without people in my life, or stuck on messenger, but for me it was better to blog and have a life, then run the risk of getting into issues being hurt, or failing to perform or meet the standards of others mental health wise, that’s being a team player.

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