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Dating as a Woman, Whats Trouble? …

Dating as a woman, who has a history of getting in trouble, that’s a difficult concept to overcome, and its not a talk you always have with someone who grows to love you or trust you with their life and body, that’s sex, I think that there will come a point in time when you stop hooking up, and maybe that’s best, there will never be a point in time, where I would have ever compared someone who was loving toward me, as not qualified to care for me I think they all have been, I think blogging on Twitter was uncomfortable for most, maybe funny at time, trying to figure life out, explore writing, and most were comfortable with me sharing my mind, so long as it was articulate and worth any literature nods, but I think if you aren’t writing to be considered poignant literature, you can hang your hat up if for other reasons, so while being supportive as a well liked blogger 2,000 real followers at the time back in 2013, I think at later points in time you may be held to other stories about you, whether known through you or by your disclosures, trying to figure out your own issues, that maybe isn’t the issue that people had with you, but for me its not been hooking up, is not my go-to way of getting to know people, I think in your 20s you are afforded many opportunities to be liked by very nice men and in your 20s you are comfortable enough with yourself, that you are flattered not yet flustered or insulted by anyones advances, I think later in lfie you come to understand dating and unwanted attentions, and how your rejections of others later turn into insult I think considered by them, you know if someone respects you they wont interpret your distance for insult, and if you have told them that you have a boyfriend, then they should understand why you cant hang out and it should not bother you that you have to decline, and feel bad about it, and that’s an example of feeling bad by someone who you don’t have a problem with because they are trying to be close to you, and you are very busy applying for law schools, taking the LSAT a third time, and processing elements of your own life from when you were 8 and being nice enough to include those element in personal statements, I was thoughtful enough to write a few however immature and uninformative they may have seem then, not everyone can be an action planner go-getter, I think with education you become that person, hopefully no one is tried by anyones goals in life either, including my own, or how history has panned out, you know nothing happens bad instead of that time away from the person you love, not unless you allow it to change or affect your relationship with the people that you love, communication is clear to navigating through any amount of discomfort, and not all advices will be in your best interest to heed, trust that when someone is being aggressive toward you that’s because they think that you can take it, and when someone is being experimental with you, that’s because they are testing you to see whether you read into things or become insulted, and maybe its not until later in life that youre defenses are up and made to think too much about others or what they have said for that matter, even you felt nothing at the time upon hearing them say anything to you, everyone wants information, and everyone wants to be around you when you are doing well that doesn’t mean that you have the energy to set your cards down in life and cater to the interests of another, stay focused on your goals in life, whatever they may be. When people have time to conceptualize you in the grand scheme of things they may have had more time to study politics, or celebrities, or film, or music, or writing, or literature, or story lines, or concepts, and maybe in knowing you someone views who you become interested in in life or try to help as a wrong endeavor or a purposeful endeavor to achieve some means of hurting the matrimony of someone, I don’t think like anyone who has tried to befriend me that I am coming on to anyone who is married, who is not also open to talking to me, and maybe Im not just some person who is just interested in sex and love, maybe I have actual problems, or actual goals in life, that can only be fulfilled by attending law school, and its unfortunate that while others have become so successful, that I am left to declare any weaknesses to my story and for those weaknesses to be used against me, I am not online through blogging declaring weaknesses to prevent opportunities in life or to limit anyones potential, I think Im pretty truthful without needing to mention when life becomes difficult its not by what is done to you or what is known about you, its how you are being interpreted that ultimately affects where you end up in life, and that’s a privilege to be given the benefit of the doubt, or to be viewed in high respects that’s not something that people automatically see looking at you no matter what job you have in life, but if there is a weaknesses shared then that becomes the basis for judging you, viewing you in fault if you apologize for something not knowing that you have done wrong in dating someone, I was a Thomas Jefferson School of Law Student, I wouldn’t have gotten in if I was mentally ill or convicted of any crimes misdemeanors addictions or alcoholism, if I was not thoughtful and a careful decision maker I would not have gotten As in school and have written well, been able to study, so if that’s the basis for establishing that one is a bad connection that’s that’s the purpose for trying to establish that I was (1) in the wrong (2) made in the wrong (3) thinking in the wrong (4) to say that I have done someone wrong, and that’s why people who people don’t feel good by are punished as though I don’t feel good and have awareness that being around others or paying attention to anyone makes them (5) not feel good, or feel bad, and that’s being viewed as someone who likes others and by liking others makes them feel bad, and if they feel bad makes them feel like they have done something wrong if you have done something wrong that’s why people who are determined to look or appear like they have done something wrong or avoided because people don’t want to look like they have done something wrong, so that’s the difficulty of being a woman, being attractive, being well liked, staying smart, you don’t really think about looking stupid until it happens and you don’t really think about anyone trying to make you look stupid until they try to claim victim to you claiming that you did them wrong or were (6) made in the wrong (7) have done wrong (8) or are wrong, and that’s maybe what a new diagnosis does for anyone who has tried to do me wrong, to not feel bad, so that they feel right, to declare that I have done something wrong with them or to them, having met me, or not been well, then say that that wrong lies within me and not coming from them or from elsewhere, and that’s being treated as though you don’t make people feel good, and that is to treat you like you don’t feel good, have a knowledgable condition “schizophrenia” so don’t feel well on meds, therefore knowing that, to disadvantage you by issuing you a diagnosis that tell you you don’t feel good, to then say someone who doesn’t feel good by you, doesn’t feel good by you because you don’t feel good, and that’s why you get ignored or not responded to, because you are not strong, or someone who is not well versed in what it is to you to give your body to someone, and then be viewed as the wrongdoer, is trying to further illustrate by ignoring you, that you either don’t deserve to be responded to, or in not responding to you is illustrating to others, that its not necessary to respond to you, or not urgent, and maybe that’s someone who is there for you for the time being, that doesn’t mean that they represent all your interactions with men, or this last interaction with someone online, who is trying to convinced others that you are sick in private or sexual, and make you look like you are not smart, or not a craeful decision maker, focused and being well intention wise with your discourse and content online, and make you seem like a thrill seeker, wannabe, who is just making up stuff or going off of people or makes people feel bad about themselves, I think we all have insecurities and you have to learn how to accept the feeling of others and their time spent with you, you cant expect everyone who is focused on working toward a challenging or difficult goal to have the time or the energy to also read into what youre about, or where you are coming from and sometimes the insult is laid too late and that’s not always your fault either. So not my suicide attempt 2009 was not about my 21st birthday party nor any unwanted interactions with friends, I think after they look back on your life, they think that your Masters Degree was made with guilt and its on that basis topic wise the only option available that they think that I am doing things to communicate something known within that I have done wrong to myself or to others, and that’s not who I have ever been someone who makes others uncomforatble or embarrassed, I have always been a strong person, people nice to me, when it gets to the point of insult and ego, that simply means not to take insult to others trying to mess with you or test you to see if you care or what you seem bothered by, just be yourself, its upon becoming defenses when you think that you are being treated as reject that no one can help you with I think that’s what happened in 2017 living alone on Harvard, because of my text messages or records kept of where I lived treated as offender, so it doesn’t matter what car or home or clothes I have the same standards will be applied be treated as reject by someone who is not interested in my sexually, that is the basis for someone coming at you like you invite attentions toward you that is not deserved or treat you like you are nice or manipulative to the men that you come to admire or love, that’s someone trying to put you in your place on behalf of someone else who they don’t think that you are good enough for that’s being corrected by someone who doesn’t think that you deserve to be where you are or who youre with, and its by the time that you experience mental health issues that none of that matters, and that then becomes the subject later when they are not bothered by it, but you are, and why should you be? So that’s how you get voices, when someone thinks youre an offender, then being treated as an offender, or be attacked by voices, or by going through youre things treats you as though you are not delicate, or not feminine, or not well mannered, even tempered loving, and a good worker, that’s judging you as someone who upon losing everything, is supposed to accept their loses and be bothered if not hurt by whatever transpired to make them look like they were mentally ill or not worth the time and energy getting to know or working for them, or hooking up with, whats on the table is my identity and my career, what gest attacked is me integrity, my self worth, and what my intentions are, and whats hurt is my intelligence my mental health, and that’s hurt by others treating you as a “gay pervert joke” making things occur to make you seem like someone who does things to themselves, or who does themselves in making fun of me being put in jail, or say that I caused myself suicide by voices, by talking to anyone who is not interested in hearing me talk, I think Im beyond the point where I now understand that someone may interpret eye contact as an unwanted advance if they don’t want to have a meeting of the eye with anyone who they think thinks that they are making a team by any connections with the onboarding of ideas or think that people are in support of them if they get word or think that they are someone who does others wrong or who has done wrong in life and that’s how you get made to seem like someone who is too strong or who makes others uncomfortable I think less reliance on others is a plus, and that shouldn’t make anyone insecure or uncomfortable, and being close to everyone is not the solution either since everyone is very picky about allowances, or what is okay, and I think furthering acceptance for anyone who is now considered schizophrenic just makes being yourself not poignant or meaningful, not after all the times that you have been treated as stupid trying to say that you are stupid looking or sounding and that your brain or mental influence is exerting on another changes others for the worst, and that’s not who I am and that not who I have ever been, if people feel good by you confident that’s a good thing, whats not okay is when they feel good confident and they hurt you and try to pretend like you feel good confident off of them, or don’t, and make them feel like you have rejected them based upon whether you improve or not, I think we all learn things about ourselves and about others, its really for no one to judge the actual personal development of someone through weight loss, and weight gain, job loss, and career, monogamy, schooling, education, diagnosis, medication, guilt, or innocence, I think I have been more than nice enough to share all my later understandings with everyone in life, whether or not Im perfect or the one that people wish to admire I get that now there are many women, and being known, that makes me more likely to not be the one considered, no offense taken. #stopsuicide

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