I think the key part of overcoming mental illness is to understand that whats going on inside of you is maybe not happening for most and that’s a good thing, so while its important to forewarn, and keep people updated about your recovery, its also not important to let everyoine know when you are sick or why you are sick, people are bound to become defensive, assume the worst, or think that because of your own doing are where you are or not well, and that’s not an automatic loss of support, its just an added difficulty to be going through things and for anyone to be made upset with you for not being well or doing well in life. We don’t expect that life will be hard, not with mental health issues, and if you are strong for years and still suffer, then maybe you are like me, and it will take time, know your limits and not make a big deal of it, I think I was kind enough to remember most everything, and had people in my life when things were not intense. Whats not fun about mental health issues is that its not a group project for problem solving, it’s a problem within me, that upon disclosure only subjects me to harm people cant help you with mental health issues if you seem difficult, not willing to change, or if its so complicated that you need a doctor or attorney so be it, its better to not be so hard on people, that’s what I meant by benefit of the doubt, it goes quickly from able to help you, to putting people on the defensive, sound like shes upset, or better yet going to be upset with people that you do love, so I respect that when someone cant help me, or becomes upset with my condition, not knowing what causes me to go into psychosis, maybe its just thinking too much about life and making sure that nothing goes wrong, there is no club when it comes to making it in this world, that’s not how the world works, and people shouldn’t be judged for their experiences in life or how they are communicated to or judged for their communications to others, I think people just want to know what you are about, and think that you are out in the world, shining bright or standing out like there is something wrong with you, or blame it on meds, or claim that you are not a safe person, or bad decision maker, I think today was an emergency, once it becomes about guilt, that’s my life my future my well being not for entertainment, and if I cant get a job, or if someone I have developed a cordial talking relationship with, if I can be myself loving, that’s important to me, maybe that seems stupid to others or “sex addiction” its not to me that’s enjoying life and being at ease, and maybe that’s the lesson, in figuring out whats important to you in life. It seems when things are serious that’s not how to solve the past, or to figure out whats wrong with me let alone others, that’s difficult, and while COVID may be in the news and the “illness described as unbreathable pressure,” I get the humor in trying to create situations to either teach me what disease, difficulty, or pressure is like, it not necessary to go through or then be made to describe if to prevent becomes really difficult to comprehend and sickening, that’s the assumption, of not wanting anyone to be hurt by you or your stupidity for that matter, I think Im pretty sincere, it is a very difficult subject whats wrong with you, not helpable, or hard to look at or support, and you can do your best to listen, but once it is declared that you are an addict, that’s not to say that anyone past was not trying to help, but I only have one opportunity to do well at something, and past failure, whether that’s rehab, or breakup, or argument, things generally don’t work out in your favor for that matter, that’s the main point, the whole “cool” or “not cool” issue, and not to be abused, figuring out when someone is able to comprehend the pattern of if you are not cool with people, how that subjects you to more harm moving forward, I think that’s the temperament of someone who feels attacked or who thinks that if someone is upset with them reacts, and if you are ever made to feel that way its probably best to stay home, you bound to not win that type of fight, not to be a people pleaser or anything, its something about you when youre not on point, that becomes of concern to others, so while my battle may be imaginary at this point, the physical symptoms are noticeable, or trying to talk about a comprehension issues, and time it takes to comprehend and to fix or to make better a situation that is not bad yet, and that’s where the fun factor goes, so if that’s the selfishness of working through your problems and defending yourself or making sure that no one is faced with the pressure that youre faced with, then that’s getting in trouble making sure that you are not being harmed because someone thinks that you are doing something wrong to others or to yourself, you cant pretend to be a good person, anyone who doesn’t make sense or is difficult to comprehend, that hurts the head and if you don’t work toward lightening things up, then you were a source of fun then also get pressure as not being a source for solution. So that’s the risk in talking about your problems, you don’t feel good, others don’t feel good, and who is to blame for a focus on the negative, you would only have yourself to blame for not staying positive or worrying too much what people think, that’s playing up to the negative or to what a 911 call is for someone thinking its my fault I have mental illness or schizophrenia, then on as prescribed treated, on Provigil treated, and now not on Invega shot treated? I think at this point it will not matter what meds Im on, Im bound to be unstable in appearance and maybe that’s because I think too much or work very hard on my blog, so that happiness, is not me being delirious, or irrespective of others struggle, and my struggle doesn’t help with other peoples struggles that only builds resentment, that doesn’t teach others that things get better, or that life gets light again, if you are convinced that things are bad when things are good, then you will have a very difficult time making others feel comfortable or appreciated by you. So that’s taking the week off of work, and also taking a break from being fun with Spitzer, that’s recovering from voices, so what am I doing on my end, keeping to myself, staying home, that doesn’t mean that Im not fun, or not participating because Im not positive, that means there is something medically wrong with me, suddenly, so I have to retrace my own steps, what am I doing, who have I spoken to, what are the issues, who is responding, and where am I now, and what does anyones response or non-response have to do with where I am now, that doesn’t mean that they don’t support me, that means that enough time has past that what I need to focus on is my own health, you cant go backwards, people don’t have time to let you back into their lives, past the point of things being heavy for you, that’s the lesson I am learning now.
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