#laxcourthouse (Day 30):
I don’t think Im the best on the subject of suicide, but if you ever have a problem please call 911. They’ve never ignored a phone call in my entire life, and there is always someone to respond no matter what mood you are in, most conversations are to analyze what it is that I am going through to determine whats an emergency, and I think depending on what your personality is like, demeanor, or medical history that can be more or less obvious to you and maybe to someone you are talking to, the deficit of having mental health issues, is that you may not be feeling well and not know why, and that’s totally okay, so long as you have someone to talk to, that’s the first step in the right direction toward making peace with your past, yourself, and anyone now who might have a problem with you, that’s not always in your control. What does it mean to be at peace? To me it means being happy with yourself. I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life when I have not been happier with myself than through blogging, this is where I get to be myself, all pluses and minuses, you learn to go with the flow even if youre not at your best, and accept yourself as you are now. There are many blessings to blogging, you get to grow as a person, and your audience gets to see that growth, maybe not everyone will agree with you, or support you, that’s a given, in new territory, unless you can stick up for yourself, and explain your purpose with clarity, there is bound to be question. What does it mean to be a strong person? I think being a strong person means that no matter what happens to you in life, you don’t allow that to make or break you, Im sure we have all been there, Im not one to be immune to nervous breakdowns, failures, and heartbreak. You know just because you are a nice person, doesn’t mean that everyone will be nice to you, and just because you are a strong person, doesn’t mean that life will be easy for you. There will always be tests in life, are you a good decision maker, do you report, do you get help, and when there is setback, do you review yourself, what needs work, do you go to others for help, are you able to see with your own two eyes whats of issue, or do you need help identifying whats of issue. I don’t think I have ever been defiant, and Im sure that being a strong person and writing from the courthouse makes me appear that way, not with the people, or not one of the people, I think like most people when you have problems, that’s you on you, by yourself, its in your best interests, and its nothing to do with others, thats having problems, either you can be helped, or you have to figure out for yourself what it is that’s bothering you and why, whether that’s the business of others to disern or to make clear for you or for everyone looking at you. That’s being known, its not always a happy subject, and while Im sure my “Blink 360” card was a cocky deduction to make at the time, I believe in myself, whether or not Im taking a Dan Brown masterclass, and that’s not me poking fun of my own suicide attempt 2009, that’s be understanding tragedy in a way, that the outside world may have difficulty comprehending, what its like to be looked at by someone who is well, or what it is like to be looked at by you, someone who is well, who has had a different set of exposures than them. This is what life is about, getting to know people, and why not to pass judgement on people no matter what their disability is, it has less to do with people, and more to do with what is coming up for you looking at someone, so think less, judge less, and accept more, maybe there is nothing wrong with them, me myself included. When someone supports you, with blind faith, that’s them at risk of harm not me, all marital proceedings underway, that’s their love not mine. Is what it comes down to, and when you support two people who love eachother, that belief they have instilled into one another is not about outside forces connecting them, its them being okay with eachother and bringing out the best in one another, that’s all that matters as to that. -Back to my life, for the time being I am writing from #laxcourthouse, this is my courthouse, this is where I was punished, and this is where I was brought to speak to a judge, thankfully I had my attorneys phone number written in pen on my arm in the hospital, so that he appeared for me to talk to the judge, I don’t think at this time in my life I am fit to talk to a judge, because I cant even figure out where others are coming from in their upset toward me, its not always deserved, I don’t think Im the recluse, loser, introvert, spy that they think I am, I think Im more of a people person, than some strategic construction of any place of worship where people go to study the interests of another or feel watched or sided amongst, that’s not what blogging is for, and while I may be comfortable talking to government officials that doesn’t mean that Im immune from trouble or have power, just like any other human being put in harms way, subjected to threats and that occurs by leaving you feeling scared and when you are scared others see you as scared and when you are scared that’s so others feel like they have a bigger hand than you in life and feel bigger than you, and when others feel bigger than you that’s to make you feel like you are wrong, or have to please who is upset with you, to go back to who you were before someone was trying to dominate the conversations made about you, on subjects that either concern you brought up by you, or brought up by others related to. What makes you apart of? Being apart of means that you don’t allow what you think if in the wrong to gear your conversations about, that means you don’t assume the worst, and in the event that you are made to talk about things, that doesn’t offset the anger of another, it allows them to be at peace with you with acceptance (thats seeing the good in others) and without defense from you, that’s being accepting of anothers anger toward you, deserved or not, that’s being mistreated, its thought to put you in your place, because someone sees you, hears what you are doing in life, and thinks that you are wrong or mentally ill on the basis of how you conduct yourself in private or public for that matter and it could be about your sexuality or it could be about your job, or it could be that you are living with ease, and they don’t think that you deserve to live that way, think there is a harder lesson for you to learn about life that you have not already lived. Ive lived the toughest lessons in life, Ive experienced addiction, that’s smelling grose, having nightmares waking up in your sleep and not able to move feeling like you have bugs crawling all over you addiction, those are morbid experiences, where you use until the point you feel like your dying, and no one notices you, no one calls you, and no one texts you, that’s going through addiction and not getting help, and no running at night, or rehab, or AA meeting can stop you from killing yourself if you don’t get help, and this is why Im at court, because while I may not be hurting myself, maybe at the same token someone is hurting me to see who notices or who cares, and at the end of that road there is God, and if anyone is in charge of when God is tested why or why not, that should be in the judges discretion, who should be pushed to their upper limits, who should be made to feel scared, who should be treated like an addict, who is supposed to take care of others, who is being mistreated while helping others, and who is to feel like they have been wronged and there is nothing they can do about it, and its this type of discussion where a line in the sand is drawn, and I get made to look weird, and another is made to feel good, and that’s mental health, you talk about and describe it, and no one relates, or you talk about it and you defend yourself and people think that youre wrong, no one really cares about you in the way that you love yourself, until they hurt you, and sometimes that’s how people try to matter and how the test to see if you care, if you can imagine what they feel like looking at you or being upset with you, you know whether I live or die that’s my business, and its not my business to die suffering, or to get sick or self-harm or suicidal, because you think there is something pretend about me, there is nothing pretend about wellness, that’s not by medication or how people treat you, the life you have is the life you build for yourself, and if everyone is struggling right now, that’s not my motive in life to get sick by any addictions in life, or mistreatment, or reputational damage, be treated like Im mentally ill when Im not, if someone is threatening me, and I have to stop blogging, that me protecting my own health, thats not me not helping others. You have to learn to accept peoples limits, that when someone is not feeling well they are not able to help others, and just like everyone else, sometimes I need to take a break and cant write everyday, that’s not personal, that’s not giving up, it takes time, energy and effort to wake up everyday, face the world and have something to say whether or not I look like a jacka$$ or mentally ill human being (idiot) you know that’s not always my fault, so please don’t take your disgust out on me, because Im obese now 190lbs on Invega shots, and overcoming self-harm, love is something you share in private, ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE! #stopsuicide
Please Note: In the event that Im not feeling well, Im not going to blog, and say that Ive hit my head, or self-harm, or am suicidal, that’s a conversation that I have with the police that’s not for the public’s discretion, its because of where I work, that I have pressure because who hurt me doesn’t see me as peaceful or a happy person, because when made to photo nude, to tell him to stop, I was hitting my head on video, that’s because my image and reputation is not to be adored or liked on the basis of nothing wrong having happened to me, its with acceptance of what has happened to me respecting my limitation in life, that Im not someone who is openly loving or kind and huggable to others, that’s because I don’t feel good. So when I am doing well, that’s me willing to be openly close to people, I don’t think as a blogger its not okay to start rumors about peoples health because that’s how things get worse not better, that’s not okay to spread rumors Im mentally ill, that’s not okay to spread rumors to say Im suicidal, that doesn’t make things better that makes things worse and that’s how it happens, when everyone thinks something about you in the negative then you get sick, and that’s why defamation is bad! When you put your cards on the table hat on, like your playing poker in the Olympics do me a favor and don’t bet on my hand in life, and throw that aggression out on me and my life, in terms of where your strength is coming from, me not doing well, to make yourself feel better, that’s how you create argument toward me, in favor of someone who is being aggressive toward me, like theyre driving a sports car through my life, and knocking cones over destructive and threatening me, like the things Ive saved about myself where not made with care, Ive dedicated the last 10 years of my life to better understanding myself, my mental health issues, and have sought treatment, and been treated and have also been accepting of everyones mini power trips on me, and accepted my part, in what frustrates other people in dealing with me, talking to me, or trying to get to know me, I might not be as fast or as strong as your sports car of a brain in life, but I am human and I am likewise doing my best to be thoughtful of everyone, no matter who is driving beside me, next to me, alongside me, or learning for themselves.
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