blogging, life, lifestyle, mental illness

Whats Important …

Its important for me to stay positive, that’s not just a look, or a way to attract attentions where none are due, Im assuming the confusion with regards to self harm which are more a matter of everything being okay with expectation for me to be okay, and not being understanding of when Im ready to get going again, and when I feel like working again, and sometimes its hard for others to understand where I am coming from. Im sure when Im upset its clear, but the diability is not understood, I don’t think it helps to make me sound like Im not understanding of people, I think for 10 years I struggled to become a writer, I had to graduate from law school, and I had to work, and I am still not in a place where I am ready or have the funding to publish a book. Recovery takes time it takes time to appear well, sound well, and for others to recognize that you maybe went through something for a time, that you don’t need to be forgiven for, I think Twitter is sharing, and if you experience some visible changes if you don’t understand why, then your audience probably doesn’t understand why, and I wouldn’t know why that would matter to people in your life, to be embarrassed being a quotes writer online. I think anytime in life when you want to reflect and share is okay, so long as it does not affect work or your present relationships, and if you want to share about choices you are making in life that’s okay too, if you are open for feedback. I know that it doesn’t make sense when I sounded stupid or upset, or drank, or relapsed, or what happened in then event that I did, what was thought of me, whether or not I was in school on a break, who I was friends with, who I was in contact with, what I was doing, running everyday, thin or later obese and lost face, suffered from dysmorphia looking ugly and horrificly obese and large in photos, difficult to look at face compressed and tight looking masculine or jolly looking, not anything you would want to be intimidate with, and I don’t think that that is because of sex or blogging, I think it has to do with going through a hard time in life, and whether or not people are or are not accepting of you, being attractive is not the issue that’s bringing out insecurity, its probably based on whether or not you have a job, have a life, or have friends, so it makes no sense for me to be attacked on the basis of what I look like, make people look at me to not like me, and then attack me like I want people to look at me, then claim that I look something different in real life or by photo, you will never know the reasons for changes so long as you blame people, or hurt people on the basis of what they look like, I think living at home, and not living on my own or working, whatever it is that you think is the cause for change surrounding or fitness, that was something that I learned on my own, that doesn’t mean that all people are like like, and the changes you go through weight and love and belonging needs are not always based on sex and friendship and think that’s were you get me wrong, that everything is not supposed to work out or not work out for you on the basis of your experiences in life, but if you are made to think about life and talk about life, that doesn’t mean that you got sick and someone hurt you so you don’t need to attack someone who doesn’t know what happened to them or why they are not feeling well, we cant always comprehend how we are to be affected in the event that someone does not like us, or we don’t perform well in life at something we found pride in and were good at school. So what is nice to look at by my pictures, is not for what went wrong in my lfie, but to simply recognize someone as doing well and doing everything right, talking to FBI, police, and the DA is not a fun job to stay out of trouble, and not be mis-marketed as some underground campaign, or upstaging any other famous people from a story who likewise should not be affected by any changes in luck in regards to their outlook and future, so where does that dislike come from, I think there is an over-promotion of hurting people who are successful and losing money and making bad decisions, and because of who I am saw me as bigger than I was and came down harder on me than you would most people, and I have never lived irresponsibly or applied to any job where I have had the same issue or a personal issue that would be triggered simply by being in the workplace that is not what work is for helping yourself, therefore it is not possible that I would discuss and issue or talk about an issue that I have not gone through myself and then be treated like I have not overcome difficutly so many time over a span of 10 years and the entirety of my life, have never had a problem with anyone and anytime I have had problems have never thought that it was about people or complained to anyone or reported anyone as being anything not normal, I think Im pretty fair, and accepting of people, so when is loved lost. I think similar to the last 10 years, what Ive noticed is that when you are well and taking good care of yourself people are nice to you, and like now when you speak well and things are working out for you, going back to work, all of that shows that you are doing your part not to be in assumed position of non-focus, meaning that you don’t carry yourself into positions of doubt or dislike through talking and then not be able to focus and to do well and perform at what you are doing in life, that’s not what blogging is for. Blogging is to earn the right to work and if you cannot work to earn the right to work as a writer and publish books, and for whatever reasons those rights were taken from you, or convinced that you don’t have rights based on what is thought of you, either you lose privileges in terms of people accepting you and sometimes the more complicated life gets people will have a hard time understanding what it is you went through or how a mental health issue has affected you in your life, whether your own, or of your making, or of someone elses making when interpreting you in dislike or misunderstanding. There are qualities about people that people find attractive and I think that I am one of them, so I am not out here in the world to demonstrate that you have to be a certain way to be well liked, and Im also not out here to change people, or to take credit for changes in people, as though its possible for people to be perfected by viewing someone else going through changes in life, or hardship, but that’s what sharing is for, to look at what you are thinking, to figure out what is working for you, and to not get stuck going by feeling, or “delusion” voices, and be convinced or made to think that things are worse than they are. I have been doing well as a blogger because I have made consistent progress, maybe with a grueling schedule, I think walking everyday 30 mins and taking meds, and writing, and reporting in the event that someone has a problem with me is a lot to keep track of it took me 10 years to graduate, and 10 years to start dating again, and it will take me a lifetime to get over the fact that I have not lived perfectly and I will also not understand when I get hurt or why and it will always bother me that I am hurt and for those periods in not doing well to be misunderstood or thought to bring it upon myself. This is why I have a blog. Its when people don’t hear from you that you get isolated and treated by people who don’t know you well like you are up to no good, and that level of negative attention on you is what scares you or makes you not want to be close to people keep to yourself and figure out whats wrong. Its not a safe world, I am aware that’s its not a safe world, that’s why its not okay for me not to be in a job and to not be doing well and declared disabled, I cant afford to live home if Im not doing well and if anyone is trying to convince others that I am not well or mentally ill to see if I get attacked and that’s not how you get attacked its when you are on your own and because you stand out someone mistakes you as being a lesser person, or someone who was well if you appear strong, who did not do well, then be treated put down so that you are not strong to display to others by disposition that you are the person that you were last treated as and to go by what the last person who was close to you thought of you was, that’s so that you are not protected from harm, but so that their disposition is not the disposition that you sense or feel threatened by instead you are aggressive and hard on the person who is not stable me, and expecting answers from me until most of whats gone wrong is explained to the extent that your mistake in thinking about me is clarified, while I am made unstable to talk about things until I either get well or get sick, if I get mistreated before I am given the opportunity to clarify something before I am hurt as though a weaker position in me creates a stronger position in someone who is threatened by me if I am doing well, lose weight, work, or able to get a job. There are different breeds of people and Im sure that I don’t remind you of anyone successful that is because I am the opposite, I have to be detailed and disclose, and risk getting in fights or getting in trouble, and talk to the authorities, to ensure that people feel safe, to make sure that people can resume business as usual, and to make sure that where I am being used as a person or identifier for anyone bad to correct themselves, that there is no wrongdoing that is encourages or coming from my conduct or writing, to convince anyone that that is how you live a better life, or get your power back, they always say that the sick get sicker, so while Im not an example of someone who can problem solve when they are not well, like anyone I am sent to hospital or jail if I am not well around people, that’s me not being well, and that’s me not being well anf that being no ones fault, and that’s for me to be declared not well, so in the event that people don’t feel well by me, they feel better that I am being treated, when I am not focused on them, I don’t feel them, I don’t know them, and I don’t notice them, and I have held no conversations public that are hard to hear or too personal or about people that they don’t want to hear from me thinking that they know and understand people better than anything that I have gone through is maybe what my loss, is that I have to explain myself and everyone else is understood, and its not until things are too much for me that things become settled and that doesn’t make for good writing, when its too much in my head, stressful, makes me tired, lethargic to the point that I cant move is a waste of my energy. And that’s what happens when you get treated as mentally ill, life is hard, every interaction difficult, and there will always be something wrong with you and nothing wrong with others, and that’s how you get treated for the rest of your life, because they don’t think that you understand what peoples limits are and think that you have bad energy then accuse of of being around people with bad energy and then treating you as the person to remove who is not well, with having said nothing. Being assertive is for people who are above people, its obviously not a condition that I can take on if my opinion is not trusted or validated based on medical records, so it will be in my instability that another seems nice, and it will be when things are difficult for me mentally it will be viewed as my fault, then for every relationship and stability, made fun of or heckled, like Im supposed to move on from person to person and not be well liked, it seems to be a common trend to talk about people who are toxic, I think if you don’t like people and if there is something to not like about people and if people are only well around people and sick when alone then sure call them toxic if they cant fix themselves. Im not toxic I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t work in an office yet only once a week, I don’t date, I flirt, I report, I talk to people in trusted positions for oversight, and I don’t take risks and chances with my life, not for sex, pleasure, or out of stupidity, and I had to learn the hard way that life is all about control, what gets said to your body, what goes in your body, what people see, and what people feel like looking at you and talking to you, and that’s your worth as a human being each person for themselves deciding what your worth is and that’s if you don’t have a job and they don’t know your power to stop crime, to get people to think about the positive, and don’t understand your function online for preventing crime, and also preventing sickness with relationship to crime not get sick based on the odds of things going well or not going well on the basis of who is liked who is not liked who is in power who has decision making powers, and whos talking to Todd Spitzer to not make that the peoples job, to produce odds in favor or not in favor by declaring me bad goods or not intelligent and not wrongfully accuse me of misconduct or bad decision making or not doing what Im supposed to be doing or changing plans or reaction or thinking for any reason to defend self or anyone who has done anyone wrong, that’s not what Im for. 

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