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Where the Opportunity Lies …

The opportunity lies in non-judgment. It will always be that way. Whenever there is a new idea or a new way of looking at things, it will never be from the perspective of change that comfort will arrive, nor will a big picture be rendered that helps others to see in the clearest way possible, whenever there is something that fights, a feeling that compresses a sense of comfort is a discomfort that arrives when you see something or hear something that doesn’t make within feel good, this is the difference between seeing something that is clear, versus seeing something that competes, and when something competes that doesn’t feel good, means that you have to change to see something and that’s where argument and fight is derived from, a change that needs to occur within, that is not viewed as deserved. When you see someone who you do not think deserves credit, or see someone who you think does not deserve wellness, that is an anger of non-acceptance toward a person, for a feeling that you acquire upon interaction with a person, who you do not understand why they are that way, or assume is feeling good absent minded what you think they should know or think is known about them, a disrespect, and that is the discomfort occurring when you see someone who you think is sheltered from dislike, or misunderstanding, there is no generalized form of have to accept have to be nice to people in life, not by who they know or what story they come from. So the overarching similarity between stories that is causing discomfort toward me or disrespect is the fact that I was neighbors to a famous family, so that similarity between stories is what is causing the discomfort toward me, whether I deserve by fact to be compared which is not of my doing. Growing up privileged in a nice neighborhood gives you opportunity to give back, it gives you experiences in life, where you host parties, have people at your house, and have that opportunity to be a middle ground for people to meet up, socialize and be around each other. As a website it is no different, you create a place, establish a location, where people from different background, socioeconomic status, can convene and be exposed and upon being around you and around the people who are attracted to your place of establishment feel good, and that’s where the balance comes into play, where I have built a series of representations of experiences in life, that IMDb wants to hear about and wants to know about, whether those people are still in my life, whether that be online or through Facebook, we each have our own lives now, and that doesn’t mean that I have chosen to live a lesser life not making money from the writing that I produce and share online, but it does have value and meaning to me in my life, that is intended to help better the lives of others, who whether are situated in a place where they think they are being made fun of, because of who they are, or think that someone who they do not see as important is being made fun of is a new conversation about what you notice and for what reasons that being discomfort, whether you think is being done in a way for you not to respect someone, or for you to think that someone is doing well because you think that they are benefiting from things going on well around them, that you don’t think that they should be included in that wellness. The benefit to people knowing that I have mental health issues, is like an automatic defense to things not being wrong with what people think or how I am treated and treat me as being in the defensive to a fight that is not occurring within me or around me or to me, everyone is nice to me, so the problem is to be treated like I have a mental health issue with my life as it is, I love my life, and have earned every minute of living it on earth, and have always done my best to live a good life, a life that is worth talking about, sharing about, and helping others to see the value in their lives no matter how trying or trivial the issues may become. The opportunity lies in what you have come to accept and feel good about, so being yourself doesn’t mean that I don’t take my life seriously or am being immature its not a strategy for being well liked or for setting a trend to build for acceptance for mental health issues or disability, and its not a position that can be changed and manufactured to build for acceptance for people who do not respond in the way I have to when things are not going well or for bringing into discussion what may not be clear. What I have noticed is that anytime I am doing well or look pretty I get voices, and I don’t understand what there is to provoke or to change about me to demonstrate that something is going through me, into me, or to me, that is being brought out of me not to like, that is coming from a location or situation thought deserved or blamed on other people from bringing about in me, or to me, and that’s a situation where you have someone who is in public light, who you don’t think arrived to a place of wellness on their own are crediting or discrediting a person from their own thinking of arriving to a place that they deserve to be well. I don’t think it has ever been to my understanding that people around you can make you sick if they don’t like you, but I think being online, if you overshare about a situation in which someone does not like you, that it can make it seem like that’s how you feel about yourself being around people, Im not intimidated or scared of people, but there is a such thing as people knowing things about you, and not like you for things that they have come to know about you, not coming from you, which is why I share online, so that if its not in writing coming from me, to figure out from what judgement of me is there an attitude or discomfort toward me, for being online, or elsewhere, working, or working with others, that makes them think that I am not in a condition in which I can help others. Since I just started a life coaching course, and since I just experienced self-harm and flu, I have cancelled the life coaching course and will not be learning life coaching to work one on one with people. Sounds like it’s a better idea for me to be out in public working for free as a blogger or writer, and not subject myself to criticism in attaining a professional certification to take on a role that they don’t see me as capable of helping myself, let alone another person. Im not a specialist in self-harm all I know is that if you are not made to feel good about yourself, it can occur, and if you get voices, because people who see you as well don’t think that you deserve to be well, is because they would rather fight you and see you become something you are not disabled, or sound like you are mentally ill or look weird, or angry to justify mistreatment of you, and that’s not what I am living life for to defend people who are mentally ill and have problems with people, I don’t have problems with people, people have problems with me, because I have mental health issues, and they don’t understand why I don’t feel good with people, and when I don’t feel good with people, then take their anger or misunderstanding out on me, as though I don’t share the same humor or understandings about life to have conversations with them that feed their ego, or they think feed my ego, like there are secrets about life, to feeling smart that is supposed to be secret or not said, I think anything that is not said, creates room for misunderstanding, it makes the person who is not you feel confident, then identifying you as someone who is not a serious frame of mind or intense, wonder why are you not insulted, or why don’t you take personal, defense to a movie “Spencer” that characterizes someone who is given privileges in life, who does not listen, then threatens or blames a condition on who is taking care of them as not supporting or not helping to prevent, who needs to leave a situation, of caretakers, because one is not doing well under the care of people, who have known them their whole life, a neighbor. I see “Spencer” as a situation to build compassion for people who care about people with mental health issues who feel threatened in the event that someone is not doing well, and for that not to be their fault, when someone who they admire, does not feel safe by others knowing of their condition, or while trying to help them, listen as a means to help prevent a condition from worsening. I am not a princess, and I am not famous, and I am not royalty, I am not Eminem so there aren’t many others like me who see me and then become like me, I am not yet an influencer, successful where there is a calculable series of doings photos and writings that demonstrate a caliber of person that is genuinely accepted who people can learn from and want to be like, and while I may pave way for more acceptances for women who aren’t the prettiest or the thinnest or the smartest to also be able to work hard and create and build online for other people to enjoy their time on earth thinking of things other than themselves, I would also hope that peoples need to control what they don’t understand should not be limited by what they fear or be based on what they think of a person, think will go wrong in the future for others, if a person recovers, and overcomes a condition that they have never had in their entire life. So what are accomodations, accomodations are given to people who have disability, a known disability, you give them enough time to perform, and given the subject or area they are supposed to perform in, perform to the general standards of what is expected of someone in that role they are training to become a member of or for acceptance of them as qualifying as having the skills and ability of someone already in that role, able to withstand the pressures of a disability and still able to communicate in their role to the standard that is required without having outside things or personal things interfere with that persons ability to communicate within that role. So that’s being who I am, do my experiences make it difficult for me to perform in the role as a blogger, or do my experiences in life show how strong I am of a person, to never have had to experiences so much distance just being myself, and figure out what that distance is about, once people have to brace themselves that means that the problem does not lie in your audience, but the correction will occur in who is experiencing challenges in life such as myself, which means if it is taking me a long time to adjust its not that I expect anything more than acceptance to take hold of anyone who has the privilege to change or deny and not be affected, is also not the group of people I expect change from or society expects change or excuse from, when people are mean to you that’s because they think that they deserve to be mean to you, because they take your condition personally, and they don’t understand why you don’t feel good around people and want to have fun with them, so when you seem like you are being conservative or looking at them like you don’t understand where they are coming from or picking up on it, then they turn around and make you feel like you are small, or disabled, is some exercising their judgment on you, because they think that you not understanding them means that you are being judgmental toward them. I think in a creative space I am accepting of most people, I think when a discomfort is occurring please be patient enough and not be so hard on someone who already has a pre-exitising condition, my internal mechanisms for backing off or being close to people will be different from anothers internal mechanisms for feeling close or understanding of someone so please understand that your solution for injuring to correct a limited number of people who are not on eggshells or uncomfortable does the reverse of feeding the egos of people who feel smart unaffected by people who have mental health issues, but makes feel okay who is upset from someone, and then me not feeling okay, is to be justified by what seriousness of what I am going through, you don’t have to make someone go through serious things in life, to make them think serious, and you don’t need to be offended when someone is being serious, that doesn’t mean that you are being judged, and when someone backs off that’s because they are not stable, and sometimes what makes you feel stable, should not cause instability in someone, in order to make you feel good, there are medications and doctors, don’t take everything so personally, and while you may not understand when I get sick or what causes me to hit my head and self-harm, I am also trying to still understand how things get that way if Im not blogging, if Im not sharing on Facebook, if Im not taking pictures, if I am interviewing for jobs, if I am seeking career advisement, why should my stability threaten anyone hurting me, I don’t scare people, if I report, you don’t have to reinforce your right to hurt me by causing me sickness, if I get help that’s to stop a fight, I don’t seek help to allow for any bad feelings to occur either toward me or to anyone who is trying to hurt me, that scares me, when someone thinks that I am trying to look well to make them feel bad, then I get sick. This fight is so powerful that I got the flu, that’s how much internal work I have to do to make sure that everyone is understood and everyone understands what I have been through whats at stake and everything that I have done to stay well, has nothing to do with how anyone is. Anyone can be anyway they want to be, to be loved is a whole nother concept, that if you are not willinging to be supportive of someone who is not doing well, cannot hurt injure or punish someone because you don’t feel loved by them because they don’t shine or look pretty with you, I am still learning myself, so please stop hurting me because you don’t understand my smarts or my face and take personally when I shine or look pretty like that’s done on purpose, let things go, and learn how to accept the human body as something that learns as it goes too. #californiaintelligence

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