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I’ve Always Been This Way …

I’ve always been one to support others, whether I agreed with them, disagreed with them, lived a similar life, lived a different life, Ive never been one to judge someone, based on who they are or how they are or how they live their life, as far as I was concerned I lived my life separately not to be affected by whatever problems another has encountered in life, as being my own problem, but accepted them as people, whether they were victims, or neighbors, experiencing losses, addictions, or breakups, Ive always been someone that others feel comfortable confiding in and then feeling better as a result of talking to me, maybe it was how I listened, or by what I had to say, sometimes its in being around someone who is put together, and who has the right ideas, that things go right, and that’s the main lesson when it comes to what has gone wrong, analyzing the sides to the puzzle, or who is considered to be a party to that discomfort or to that effect, things not going right, and its not always fairly decided or insinuated to begin with, not based on the terms, or what things look like, but sometimes that brings other people comfort, in making your life more difficult, or not allowing things to be well on your end, to see what you have to say, or what you have to say in regards to either a side undeclared or not confronted point blank, on what needs to be said for any side or team to be so decided on where you stand or what to support or not support about you. 

Ive never not been supportive of others in crisis, that’s not my genetic makeup, and Ive never been one to have problems growing up, never in therapy, and luckily with no crises of my own other than breakups, and minor periods of addiction or drinking only experiencing later in life the harmful effects that addiction has on your life, your goals, your ability to accomplish, and later in life, what other people think of you based on who you are, what youre about, or where you work. Ive been applying for jobs lately, have sent out two rounds of applications and have had two interviews that Im waiting to hear back from, for me that’s progress, and just completed an internship in law, which I was very proud to be hired and to have been able to work for a period in time, when I was doing well. 

Like all health concerns, with mental health issues, its all about balance, and while the learning curve may be difficult for someone without disability to comprehend the length and duration of your disability, when it gets worse or better, that’s HIPAA, either you are comfortable sharing and disclosing, or you are not yet in a period of recovery where you feel comfortable sharing information about yourself, or your journey, Ive never been one to not keep an accurate record of my progress, I have been saving everything in google photos, and selfies, for years since 2013, it just so happens that you might not capture everything, but later upon reflection when you realize how important it was to capture those good moments, you also realize that when things are bad, how valuable that time was when you were well, and had normal photos of yourself, that’s one symptom of mental health issues, you don’t feel like yourself and you don’t look like yourself, and it can take many years to get back to being just you. 

Theres a lot that you have to abstain from in order to get well, which brings me to my next discussion, that even long after you have recovered from mental health issues, the stain still stays, what it is that you were judged for as contributing to your mental health issues, which is not caused by who you are, what you look like, or what you have to say, in private or in public, but is more about what you can remember about yourself, as going wrong for you, hopefully not before someone points out to you that there is something wrong with you, which is common to having mental health issues, a lot of stalking and negative opinion holders, and non responders, around for when its bad just to confirm a disbelief, or in disbelief when you are doing well and not crediting you for the good time that you have spent working on yourself, to say that you are well and sound well because you are a good person and this is why you are doing well. Which is why I am losing 50 lbs, because I simply don’t look like the type of person that they are willing to accept, someone who is loved, admired, looked up to, watched, or followed on the basis of there being something good or unique about me, honest, and genuine, and for that time when I was well and working to be respected as the best years of my life and well earned, including my graduate degree in risk management and compliance, from a top tier graduate program at Thomas Jefferson School of Law

Recently through modeling I have uncovered a controversy when it comes to sexuality and what people think of you, and that if you look like you want people to like you in a sexual way that causes people to not like you or a “negative voice,” either treating you as cocky or into yourself, or not deserving of being liked on the basis of disability, or sexual history not respected. I can say that I have never loved a man or been intimate with a man that I have not admired or liked in some way, that made them stand out to me as special, I view all those who I love and admire as special, and maybe that is just something about me, that makes me seem like I obsess, or not someone who is worth admiring in return as of equal value, special, it’s a two way street, love. 

Mental health issues expose you to a limited life of not working, not dating, not socializing, a lot of therapy, treatment, and visits to the psychiatrist, discerning whats wrong with you, and continuing on in life can be difficult, its not always a choice to not be able to work and do things, maybe why I started blogging, to continue doing something with my life, get experience doing something, and eventually get good at something that I love doing, writing, which I always knew that I had an interest in. 

What occurs for you later in life through abstaining is what I have recently discovered is called “outercourse.” [1] I think the main point beyond the definition of what is sex, is how you share love with others, which seems to be the controversy today, unwanted sharings and demonstrations of love, i.e. Rejected advances, or people that youre not into you suspect are into you or like you in some way. The best way to be liked is to communicate that and to be accepted for those communications and be allowed to communicate in that way with someone who knows that you like them, maybe why some people like people but never tell them that they like them, let alone, cause a discomfort liking someone who is out of their range, or above them, or out of their league, seen as below them, in some ways there will always be non-matches along the way, perhaps why dating services are so popular now, it doesn’t seem to be the norm to just naturally like people anymore and for them to like you back, like most lives, there are people to go to for those things, that don’t include the people you work with or your friends or their friends, or be set up through friends, and be liked by a friend, the high school days of match-making are over by high-school – college it gets more complicated after that, especially if you have to consider who is known in common, there will always be reasons for a non-match, the point is to accept when that occurs, and also not to place too much energy heavily on picking up on cues or reading into things are romantic, romance happens one way these days either you are clear about your wants and needs and share and interest in getting to know someone, or that interest in getting to know you is not shared. It’s a tricky road, handle all rejection in stride. As someone who didn’t date in high school only in college, I always wanted to have a boyfriend and to find love, and we don’t always find that and we are not always ready for that and mental health issues can set you back a few years from moving on at least it set me back 10 years working on myself, and becoming a blogger instead, pour my heart into something that makes me feel whole, even if I could not invest all that time and energy into a person to create a life with them, I had to learn to create a life for myself, and I think that has paid off when it comes to meeting people with lives, if you have a life of your own, it can make for interesting conversations when you can talk about yourself, and you don’t have to rely on learning from others in order to get places in life, you can think your way there on your own and its easier to be guided through your own discussions about life, than waste time, waiting on the terms shared by others to guide your own understandings about life. 

If there is one huge dilemma its feeling misunderstood during times of abstinence, which during COVID Im sure is completely normal, and totally okay to have this discussion, for those on the cusp of whats appropriate, to be loving to or what about, and for most people that’s your own business who you choose to love, or for what reasons and what about, its all about preference these days, and like most sexual encounters of energy rising to the status of a sexual energy, your mind has to be in the right place, the person or object of your affection should be of appropriate standing, and the person who you love should know that you love them, wouldn’t you want to know who admires you, what if something were to happen to them, is that something that you should be responsible for? Who likes you? Ive never been one not to support others, including Brady, which is why my recent personal inappropriate exposure of myself on the internet (after it was made known that there is a correlation between porn and gun violence – modeling seemed a treacherous road to me at first resistant to it). I was so disturbed I gained like 20 lbs and stopped blogging and started looking for jobs, that wasn’t my choice to lay low, it’s a compounded negative pressure that gets placed on you of dislike and discomfort, which inhibits your ability to be yourself and move about freely in the way where you are not afraid of others, intimidated, or fearful of retaliation, based on a dislike occurring for how you look, by someone who does not want to see you that way, that’s how people who know you who then see you intimately get made to feel uncomfortable if they only know you as chubby or conservative, its not the role for most people to appear sexy, or to wear tight clothes, and if you are not liked Im sure more people were comfortable with me being chubby and punching my head if that corroborated that there is something wrong or true about me, to make feeling that way untrue, all I have to do is join a dating app and get F, plain and simple, it seems that when you abstain, the tendency is to make up excuses for a poor condition, or view a poor condition, as the excuse for not having things in life like boyfriend money and friends, and that’s simply not the type of pressure that should be placed on anyone at this time, COVID or not. 

Im someone who refused to accept fear as my reality, and that’s how blogging started, for everything unknown, what better way to get to know what is going on in the world, other than to be paying attention to it, watching the news, following Twitter, it can become an obsession, so figure out the right dose, and don’t forget to read quotes, for me those later turned into writing prompts, it was a like my secret club of motivators in life, people who wrote freely online and shared their best, and I wanted to be one of them, was so proud to self-publish online lulu.com, maybe its not the right time to publish a book, but I can always be in a better place, and say what it right when the time is right, that was a great MLK quote, not forget those who have spoken well during period of controversy, I guess showing up to a gay march in west hollywood in “superdry” sweatpants and sweatshirt didnt clarify my issues, even if the parade was waving at me, secretly relieved, oh they get the issue and they can see me, I can leave now my job is done, really Leslie? Really, getting help is as captain batman as it gets it feels that way in full costume, in your bat mobile on your way to something big, but it goes back to normal. 

What does it mean to be a strong person, it means even in the face of controversy, you don’t allow someone who has harmed others to prevail meaning you don’t give power to the circumstance or person who has caused the harm, something my Mom recently scolded me for, why do you allow for it to bother you for so long, especially after something bad happens, its like I go into protest gain 50 lbs, lock myself in my room for 5 years, go into mental illness talking to myself, why? There are better ways, why I did my 30 days at #laxcourthouse, have the conversation even if its hard, say something, don’t just stand there frozen, and let mental illness kick in and get suicidal punching my head, what for, there is plenty of life to learn more about, have to seen the FEMA trainings, those are actual jobs, at least I don’t know how to get but I know that if I did the trainings I would be good at those jobs, I don’t think responding to the scene everytime there is an issue with the word “pervert” addressed at the top that Im the specialist I know with auditory delusions I have slammed my head into walls so hard I broke a wooden beam put a hole in my wall, have punched my head repeatedly until I lost my neck and my head was misshaped and face looked ugly, you know Leslie, doing that makes you look like that “auditory delusion” is true about you, so 2021 was all about “proving them wrong.” Which apparently continues, with my #toddspitzer KINDLE in my backpack of people I love.

Confrontation is not always the best word, another way to look at things would be to call it “diplomacy” that’s when you argue and voice the opinions and matters in its entirety to all of who are affected and say things in a way to which all feel heard and non feel negatively impacted by your philosophy or the counter-philosophy going against you occurring in the form of assumption, which is what is thought that you have done wrong or are doing wrong, to say that your inability (let alone disability) is contributing to what is coming from others, what comes to mind should be the positive when things are on track and sometimes looking at people you can think the worst, and I can tell you that sex is not the pathway to a clean face wellness and peace of mind, its something that erupts chaos like cooking a stew and mixing too many ingredients if you don’t know how to cook you can really F up a dish with too much. 

Reference:

[1] https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/outercourse

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