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Personal Update …

Im not trying to make light of self-harm or a new diagnosis, I realize in sharing about it, its really important for me to be detailed and to take my time in discussing mental health issues, how many years it takes to recover from self-harm, that with the right meds you get through it. Went to an AA meeting today, obviously abstinence and celibacy has been apart of my story, that doesnt make it any easier to move forward and date again, having mental health issues you are not the same person you were when you dated, and its hard to explain that to them, and also risk the chance of getting hurt again, in terms of whether your issues or mental health symptoms if acting up, can be dealt with in a way considerate to your partners needs not affect them, and that much you cant promise, not being sharp or on the ball, loving and sweet all the time, sometimes you need alone time to rest and recharge, sex is a huge physical commitment that you make with a person, and its also a very risky commitment that you can engage with in another, if its not monogamous or left open casual, which I dont think that Im fit for at this time because of everything that Ive been through and you’d hope they would be understanding, but fragile its just really hard to get back out there, so Ive been hesitant. Work, Id love to work again, so long as my personal past as discussed online does not affect my progress moving forward, no one wants to experience and live the horror that is mental health issues self-harm, its an absolute nightmare, voices, its unbearable the condition is very debilitating, to say the least and thats the not so much fun part about mental health issues, thats hard for someone to understand why your difficult days are so hard to overcome, why your past is so scary to talk about, and why when you are well, if you cant stay well whats keeping you from staying well which usually requires a lot of therapy not talking to strangers about your health which would be blogging, so although I enjoy being honest, its very hard for me to stay consistent and to keep doing well, and also be mentally challenged, in explaining mental health issues in a way that I can be recieved with compassion not threat, and that much is not promised to you, where others are coming from, everyone expects you to be having fun, to be care free, and if youre not that way retaliates on you, and I dont understand why thats the case, its okay to be conservative with your health, its okay to patient, its okay to take your time, not everything needs to be high energy and action packed thats not always fun, especially not these days, your peace is so important so is getting along well with others. We may not share the same traumas, but I also dont want to make my trauma, challenges in life, and difficulties, like some entertainment journey, it was real, it was not a condition that I could control, it was not a condition created by me, it was not because of meds, sex, or going out, its psychiatric condition, that occurs and I dont know why that happens. You can do your best to be smart and not be good enough, whether thats in dating, law school, or trying to get a job and thats where I have failed to meet the mark, and its incredibly frustrating, nothing to be suicidal about, just do my best and continue to move forward I will never know what it is about me that cannot be hired or cannot be paid, I would have never gone to law school if it was a personality that gets rejected if you get treated as failure or argumentative to live a harder life, I would have just been a sociologist writing research papers something I was good at, I obviously thought that I could help people by obtaining a legal degree, it was never about connections, fame, or social climbing, I went to a prestigious private school I was never that way, nor in college, you meet who likes you, who reaches out to you, who wants to be your friend, and that much you dont have a choice in in life, and nothing that I have ever complained about. How I wish that I could stay well to work and to be social, I would never in a million years ask to get schizophrenia and I dont want to become suicidal talking about it because its such a challenging disease to micro-manage on a daily basis so that you dont get sick or overwhelmed and end up self-harming, it leaves you not feeling good, and it can affect your confidence, and your smarts, and I dont want to live a lesser life as a result on disability because of this diagnosis, thats not what I want, and I do think that I deserve love in small doses, if someone is willing to love me or care for me and help me, that much would mean the world to me to have some kind of support system, and thats not about sex, its about mental health, in real life there is too much pressure to be on all the time and make money, and its too hard to get a job, and its too frustrating to recover from mental health issues and talk about it and then have people be whatever toward you or mean about it to you, who asked you anyways am I not suffering enough, have I not been hospitalized enough whats it to you that Im not loving with you, thats my choice who to be loving with, Im nice enough to be online and to share my thoughts and daily progress with others, its not a godsend to be popular or ranked high, thats hard work that required me to write everyday and I very much want to go back to writing everyday and writing articles, but that simply cannot happen if I get voices, get sick, stomaches and headaches, every time I present and if everything is not perfect then I get sick or get the flu, its not something thats not challenging to share on social media, I feel immediate physical symptoms and mental symptoms of stress and disorganization if I dont say things right or if Im not respected, thats life and having an audience, not all will be supportive of you so you also have to anticipate those who are not supportive of you on the basis of what you look like, tone, posture, and content wise, they will not like you if you are hyper, funny, sexy, or at peace seem nice looking, they prefer the negative, so thats a tough crowd to please, its when I am doing well that I get sick and dont stay well, because people will not be happy for you and you can feel the energy of unhappy people when they are watching you and then dont feel good that you are not doing well you pick up on that energy and then your body gets sick and you dont know why, thats just me, because everyone knows where I live, they see all my pictures, they know what my room looks like, they know my face, my body, thats why I dont send live photos, its in posting a live photo that there is an immediate exchange of energy I can go from well to sick immediately after sharing a photo, thats losing a condition based on who is watching me, why I only post photos days after they are taken, so thats a bit on the challenges of social media for me personally, I dont think I will ever loosen up and be a spendthrift with vlogging online, thats only for private viewing, I dont plan on sharing a tremendous amount of live material of me because I get sick so quickly my body because of my condition cannot handle being looked at some people enjoy attention I am someone who does not thrive in attention negative or positive my body gets sick and then I get a headache.

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