Personal Update …

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I’m doing my best to stay steady, I’m going through a very difficult period in life that’s very challenging for me mentally to deal with voices and negativity for whatever reasons is being directed toward me that I can sense or feel and makes me sick or throw up, lose appetite and hear voices. I’ve not self harmed in many months now, and hope to continue to overcome that hurdle in life and develop better coping mechanisms for handling stress or frustration or difficulty in life. I’m starting a new chapter in life working again, and that’s very stressful for me in the face of any peers who are not supportive or think less of me, causes me tremendous pain and grief, I’ve never not done my best, so that doesn’t mean life is easy if I’m doing well and doesn’t mean life’s not hard if I’m working if I’m working life is serious, tense, and puts me in a high pressure zone, which sometimes is not complimented through blogging and sharing on Instagram or WordPress which used to bring me peace and lessen the tension and stress around me in life to my head and to my body. I think I’ve done my best to smile through the pain, I think I’ve done my best to not hit my head be suicidal and give up in life, and I think I’m doing my best to move forward, whether anyone listens to me or respects my wishes when I say please stop hurting me I don’t deserve it. I’ve been nothing but nice to others, what’s changed is that I’m not at ease, I’m not as fun loving, I don’t have as much clarity, I get overwhelmed with stress and difficulty with a new diagnosis, the voices don’t go away unless I’m working toward it. I wake up in physical pain most mornings I’m trying to workout again, I don’t sleep well I wake up 2-4 times every night and don’t stay asleep. Im doing my best, everyone has problems, mine are no different, and job doesn’t mean I don’t have disability the disability is still there, the voices are still there, the chaos is still there, that’s what you work towards as a human being those moments of peace and productivity and hope to continue to make progress and not burn out or get voices and give up in life or end up in the hospital again with or without love, companionship, a boyfriend, money, or job, the road to independence is a treacherous one, spend your time wisely and don’t end your life short not on the account if anyone hurting you treating you like trash or with disrespect. I might not be the answer to your problems, and don’t use me as body or mind to attack to appease your covid grievances over Asians like I’m not suffering every day of my life struggling mentally and physically to just keep a straight face, steady head on my shoulders, and not be afraid to live life, in peace, productively. Even if they don’t back off I’m not going to stand her suffocating in fear be disabled in life to another’s attacks on my spirit intellect and abilities I wouldn’t want to be anyone else in life other than myself I know no other person capable of loving me as much as I love myself to be able to take care of me or fix me, so I’m very thankful for Todd and anyone who stuck around in my life to see moments well, in humor, working hard, in controversy, in challenge, in mental illness, disability, or in love life is a journey, not every moment is perfect loveable and that I’ve come to learn and accept on my own and it’s every moment worth waiting for having love again in life and that’s what keeps me going in life, love.

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