blogging, influence, intimacy, negative judgment, thoughts

It Takes Awhile …

Recently back to blogging weekly consistently it’s been about a year since I have felt like myself and that took a lot of hard work on my end to improve and grow out of old mistakes, liking the wrong people, and being taken advantage of. There’s a time and a place for being loving and friendly and mostly people appreciate when you are in a good place in life it makes you easier to be around otherwise things can feel heavy to others.

As law student I get a lot of people expecting you to just finish, it was highly embarrassing to have failed, I always saw myself as smart, a dedicated student, I never expected to have mental health issues. When people feel good by you appreciate those times, you’ll remember life in a completely different way when things no longer feel good around you and others question you, that’s when you have to dig deep. What do you want in life, what will make you happy, and that’s where I am presently in life. No longer suicidal hitting my head, and doing my best to love myself again and figure out what my options are in life. Growth takes time, and things get better once you learn to separate yourself from your problems in life so long as it continues or brought up not in a positive way where you’ve been. It will continue to mess you up moving forward so do your best to be less upset by your past and be positive.

It feels like people feel exceptionally better than you when you’re not doing well in life, maybe your story is sad and pathetic, I’ve thought that myself, like anyone in my shoes would find an easier time figuring out what to do in life or how to help or who to talk to and what to say. Im one of those people in life I think that’s easier to talk about than it is to talk to and because of that I don’t get the compliments or feedback so I’ve accepted others standoffish to me that’s better than being harassed or attacked, this must be a rare situation of intimacy gone wrong.

In exchange for not feeling good by you you may be made to feel guilty or bad like you’ve done something wrong. A breakup is a breakup in all relationships we expose ourselves and subjected to being hurt others seeing us vulnerable. You don’t have to be that strong to be in a relationship or have friends past everyone knowing you or holding an opinion of you or your story you just can’t be too sensitive in case something hits you the wrong way, and remind yourself that it’s not all about you, I think I’m good at that by now.

Not feeling like yourself and ending up worse off, is all a matter of perspective … they may see you as less than but you have to hold your head high. I think things get nasty and vindictive if you date drink or do drugs then everyone is instantly better than you seeing you as beneath them or a waste that’s the only time that people don’t have compassion for your mental health issues and see things as being your fault or bringing things upon yourself it’s like being looked at and spit on it’s demeaning thrown a lesser hand in life.

You learn to be more personable and confident as life goes on. In life there’s a lot of room for insult past complaint people assume it’s about them if you are not well. Thinking you are criticizing your connection to them as being responsible for your instability. Life is a team sport so if you are not doing well and anyone assumes you are complaining on the basis of sex companionship or friendship this can make people feel threatened by you like what life did you have that has caused you to experience this or make this poor choice in life that caused people to think that. That’s what makes it hard to be close to people past failure you’re not relied upon you pushed around like a passenger on a bus.

I just think sharing space with people mentally is a big investment of your time and energy and in confined spaces unless your ready for intimacy can be too much at times especially if you live a very public life it’s hard to be that same person you were when you had a private life able to be loving, friendly, have a life, the tendency is to worry too much what others think or not move forward ruminating over what an ex thinks of you that keeps you from moving forward in life.

Chances are if you are ruminating over it they’re probably over it and not talking to you anymore, so it’s better to just move forward and not think too much about it over crediting then for your grievances right now. Grow as a person. I think when things are not good you it’s easy to subject yourself to having lesser relationships in life, casual encounters, or pen pals, and think I had a few good experiences and a few bad experiences, but I know what I want: companionship, that much I think I deserve someone to talk to openly and be myself with.

When you get a new diagnosis it’s a lot of accept about yourself but you just have to move forward. Starting where you are. All problems aside. I know I’ve done my best to communicate to the courts whether by email, phone calls, or calling police, detectives, FBI, voice mailing my psychiatrist, calling my therapist when suicidal, going to the hospital or treatment, you figure out life for yourself. One of the most painful periods to experience in life is being alone. No one will explain to you why your life is bad you just have to make things better.

When I get threats today threatening to expose me, I think to myself what have I not discussed openly what have I not done my best to explain what else is there to know about me. What is important to talk about. I think I always do my best. When you’re not well you won’t know why not until you learn more about life. There’s more to be happy about and life begins again, maybe meeting new people, moving on having new relationships or going back and picking up from where you left off in old relationships.

It’s never been my intent to expose myself or others, I think I have a lot of helpful things to share about life that I’ve learned on my own absent minded others, I think when things get better for you people are around when things are tough people leave you alone or don’t respond to you.

Mostly I think you get ignored when people think there’s something wrong with you, I understand that I have schizophrenia I also don’t think it’s fair to be left in the dark, to isolate me to relationships in which I’m controlled by others, I get that that’s to protect you, and that that helps people to help you, sometimes I don’t think I need the help or resentment that accompanies someone trying to help you and wanting to be credited for it or for you not improving and then not wanting to be blamed god your troubles.

Today I am applying for jobs, getting jobs, opening up to men again working towards being available emotionally for intimacy and have a future with a companion in life and that takes wellness. They won’t know what your problems are but you can’t have problems in order to be there emotionally for them, how someone who you are no longer with can hurt you so that you don’t feel good and can’t be your loving self with someone new. Whatever happened to people being happy for people once they’ve overcome mental illness and suicide (self-harm) whatever happened to moving on and leaving people alone. What entitles people to hurting you in life you know if you have a problem with me then take it to court but don’t go on spreading information about me to cause others to be uncomfortable about me and not talk to me that intensity is being judged in the negative. I’ve never not been well with anyone by choice I have mental health issues ask my psychiatrist, I do my best to stay alive, function, perform each day and maybe that’s a hard truth that my life doesn’t feel good. I have to try hard and like anyone else I can fail, lose privileges, suffer, and get in trouble in life.

It’s stressful. So when I share that I’ve improved it’s hard to share with the tone that will make you feel good that’s not where my reassurances are provided they are provided by me getting a job, talking to my ex again, having friends again, going to AA meetings, not talking about life no one can explain what it was about me that caused others to be hard on me, and I will never know it’s because they assume you’ve done something wrong.

Having disability doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong, hurt myself, or hurt others or means that I don’t feel good and because I don’t feel good I don’t feel good by others and need to be alone. So I’m sorry if I’m story sounds aggravating to speak up about, you’ll learn that life can be stressful, aggravating, and painful, and you just have to get through it. The benefit of opening up is to illustrate that I went through a lot and things are better now. Like anyone else I can lose everything when I feel like this, I’m alone, I can’t bond, I can’t function and work, I can’t get to appointments, I’m forgetful, I cancel things, I don’t do activities, I don’t model, I don’t photo, I don’t video, I don’t share my life. That’s how it feels when you get threatened and put in the defensive. So don’t take it personally when I’m not at ease I’m being purposefully aggravated when I am well to make me appear disorganized and upset that’s so I don’t feel good so I don’t reach out to others, cannot be helped, and hard to talk to, and that’s how hate isolates you.

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