blogging, personal story, positivity, thoughts

By Mention …

Had a difficult start to my week, was slow and now I’m well rested. It seems that if somethings bothering me it’s best to discuss in therapy not get revved up in a blog post about it which causes me stress voices and self harm, everything requires balance. Privacy is important it allows you to get well without making you feel bad about what you went through or what you looked like. In the real world people don’t need to know about your problems or your struggles that doesn’t make things better that only adds to discomfort. This week I took the week off work to focus on my mental health and started a NAMI support group that meets once a week. For someone with mental health issues that doesn’t mean it can’t happen again if you get sick you end up in the same place you were why coping skills are so important. My therapist recently praised me for my CBT thought diary entries and getting a job, to her I’m doing well and on track, I think depending on what your expectations are of people you expect more of them. I know that I’m only capable of what I’m able to do so doing my best to work through disability. I know I don’t handle negativity well it throws me through a loop and I become defensive and unstable so when I’m usually positive and able to give advice that’s when I’m doing well and like everyone else when things are negative your thoughts sound distorted and don’t make sense because everything is being calibrated to what’s negative being said, why it’s important to stay positive. For the most part I’ve always been a motivated and determined person, I think negativity makes you feel bad about yourself and hurts motivation, the meds on the other hand make me tired and sedentary, I’m doing my best to work again. When you’re going through a lot things can feel heavy, why I need more privacy at this time, that doesn’t mean I don’t plan on blogging more in the future and connecting more I just don’t have the energy and stamina for everyone to be reading and watching me and going off of things that I say that’s a lot of pressure and attention that’s best suited for when you’re well, motivated, and positive. Recently I’ve been battling depression and starting a new med for it which is what I think is causing me self harm (Prozac) not feeling good about myself for whatever reasons or based on what has happened to me being taken advantage of online in private, identity theft, and robbed. You really can’t just talk to anyone anymore or get jobs from anywhere there are so many places and people out there that aren’t real and you won’t learn this until you try to make it out in the world on your own it’s like you get preyed upon as stupid because your so willing to talk to anyone. I gained 30 lbs this year and not feeling good about myself. I wanted to be 160 lbs instead I’m 190 lbs so that’s understandable that I’m not my usual hyper self writing and blogging everyday. When you’re enthusiastic about life you give online freely without worry about getting paid or for career advancement I think after two years of blogging I now feel the pressure to work that I can’t just write for free because I have to be able to support myself financially one day that is why I’m working. I enjoy writing but not if I’m going to be poor or set to a disadvantage in life not benefited from what I have to share viewed as being of value. To me the point of sharing my life is not to devalue myself it’s to add value to who I am and where I’m headed in life and when you’re going up you can take others up with you, in the event you’re not doing well you don’t want to take others down with you. I think my progress has been consistent, self harm doesn’t mean I’m going down in life it just means that I feel the pressure of doing well right now and can’t handle the pressure of expectation it’s like getting robbed they want more and more from you and you don’t have anything left. That’s how voices feel.

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