When things get hectic emotionally, its okay to pause, and to take a break, whether that involves more sleep, meditation, therapy, support group meetings, do what you need to do to get back center. Even when you are functioning at your best, it is true that things can become intense or stressful, even if everything on the outside looks fine, a high performer. For me opinions turn into voices, whenever Im relying on humor to offset a happy mood, or gregarious when its assumed that I should be serious, or oversharing about mental health type issues, when I could be doing more educating and less talking for myself. When things get personal with your audience you can feel that, its like a pressure coming from outside of you, to pry as to what is going on within you or in your life. This can occur when your decision making is being called into question, or when your happiness is mistaken for inappropriateness. So be open within reason but not at your own expense, we all grow and learn at different paces in life, and we all have different needs in life, and different expectations of ourselves, some higher than others.
I think being single makes me extremely vulnerable to criticism, it feels like everyone wants to know where youre headed and where you’ve been, and whats wrong with you, “why are you single?” I think being single is a choice, it means youre not looking, and youre not trying for something that most people have or want in life, hooking up, companionship, love, romance, and friendship. I think mental health issues, can cause you to isolate, you don’t think that those things are available for you in life, so you learn not to need and want those things in life, and function without friends and romance. I think things started to change for me, when I started taking better care of myself, fixed my face, and tried to stay consistent working out, whether that’s running or the gym, and that’s what draws positive attention to you.
When the weight is lifted that’s when you have options again, but its your job to remove those weights in life from your plate, everything that’s telling you you cant do something or something is too difficult to be done. I find myself in negative ruts sometimes, limiting what I can achieve, by telling my audience a limited list of what I see for myself, and when you do that to yourself, you wont feel happy, so that’s why its okay to dream even if it wont happen for you.
There are certain things that feel good to a person, and having an ability to have things in life, is what should make you feel good about being you, without focusing on what you can’t have in life: marriage, family, kids, or job, don’t we all want that in life. Life is short if youre not quick to pick up the pieces, there are your 20s when it’s a good time to settle down and get married and stay with a life partner, and there are some of us who end up in our 30s, who either keep going dating, or stop dating all together, and that’s me, I stopped dating. I realized that its more important to work toward having a job, and staying put, than is important to be intimate with a person, you can’t achieve and be happy and be in the mood for sex, if you are not happy with yourself, thriving and vibrant, full of life, so that’s something to overcome as a single adult, being alive again, with mental health issues, can make you feel dull, tired, unmotivated.
Putting my life back together requires determination, anyone coming out of a slump in life feels that way, determined, driven, it actually requires that much of you to wake up each day and attack the day like you are headed somewhere, because the opposite feeling is so heavy! With your past in the past you are now leaning forward and ready to tackle the day and lifes obstacles, as you get older people lose patience, mainly I think because they have already been through difficult emotions and found themselves less productive overthinking, and learned quickly that by being in action doing things for yourself and for others is how to pick yourself back up in life, not thinking about what has gone wrong and helplessly wait for someone to help you or explain to you how to get out of your troubles in life.
“You” time means that you are focusing on yourself, whether or not you get voices, we understand the whole purpose of connecting is to be uplifting, and we all get the ramifications of connecting when you are not well, negative feedback, people are very territorial over their energy spaces these days, me included, and no one wants to be brought down by negativity. It ruins your day, it ruins your focus. When you have similar goals in mind as others that’s what makes people connect in a beneficial way, lifes not all about getting things done, having things done to you, and doing things to get done in life, wheres the purpose in that, all end results. What about right now, staying active mentally so that life opens up doors for you in the future to experience different feelings in life, I don’t believe in such an intense ideology in life, of end results, what about being happy with where you are right now. Sometimes that change from a negative outlook to a positive outlook can occur based on who you are talking to, with a lot of experience trying to talk to people online, I noticed the content of my conversations change, the topics that I decide to speak on change, and my temperament, hyper or positive feelings change depending on who I am talking to, you wont feel enthusiastic to talk to most, but if you have things in common, there are more things to talk about, and that’s what creates an openness between people, when there is more acceptance, that eases tension, and relaxes the mind to speak in a general way, not under the pressure of explanation or inquiry, which makes you seem unstable.
“You” time benefits your audience, because it allows you time to step back from what you are doing and to reassess your tone and functionality online and in real life, although you might not get as much done as you had wanted, you allowed yourself that break to get organized again. For me it takes 1-2 weeks to get going again from a stopped position, or feeling behind, or under stress, and the routine of your day moving forward is what needs to change.
I now wake up at 5am everyday, with time to rest or go back to bed, read, write, make time to text about my day and set goals, write updates, and share life philosophy, and go to bed around 9 or 10pm. For me being a good writer requires me to flesh out my ideas first on paper or by text/messenger, which later evolves into a long post, a more detailed account of what I meant. Sometimes your ideas may not free flowing. I find that reading more extends my concentration time, and when my concentration time is extended, I can work for longer periods of time reviewing my own work, and making sure that it makes sense and add to it, you learn later through reading that the more work that goes into a written piece the easier it is to read, that’s because you have scanned and edited so that it makes sense.
As a writer you do your best to keep going by writing down notes. When you think of something make note of it! I always have a notebook (spiral) by my bed, and write in my iphone, keeping track of ideas, fitness scheduling, important dates, manage my recovery attendance, CBT journal, and now calorie count food journal. Things Im trying to do a better job keeping track of. I feel better when Im keeping track of everything, and everything is logged in a calendar or in my phone, I feel more put together, going in life. It helps to look at something, to assist you in remembering things in an organized way, otherwise if you are not a visual person, you will not remember in your mind what has gotten done, and can easily get overwhelmed compartmentalizing what is done well and what needs to get done. When everything is in your mind in an organized way, you can function better just like working better in a clean room after doing your chores settles your mind, it helps to look at something, why make notes. Making notes, allows you to keep track of your progress, and it feels good to review it.
Sleep is important to me. I used to go to bed at 8pm every night 2017-2021, things just changed this year, modifying my meds and awake at night again. Rest following an incident of mental health related emotions, feelings, or thinking is sometimes required to get back on track, and in worse case scenarios people end up in the hospital in disillusionment or from self-harm.
I’ve not self-harmed for 6 months, I think when my patience wears, and I stop utilizing a new coping strategy repeating a statement to myself over and over again to stop voices, I allow voices to lead conversations about me and hurt my feelings, and when my feelings are hurt to stop the voices, I self-harm, and that’s when things get worse. If you self-harm your body hurts and you have difficulty moving, let alone working out, and weight gain becomes a problem again. We all feel off-center from time to time, this can occur when things don’t feel right or when you feel like others are feeling like there is something not right with you that is needed to be confirmed by them. Don’t feel pressure to reassure who thinks there is something wrong with you and allow others to elicit a behavior or reaction from you commensurate with that negative opinion of you to reassure them. I think an opposing feeling and reaction can occur when your sense of peace is infringed upon, that’s someone in your space, or not leaving you alone trying to change you. I think intimacy is only for what you are attracted to and for who is attracted to you, that’s when you can be yourself, otherwise its normal to not want people to be close to you, in your mind, looking at your pictures, or in your life judging you, cause you reactions negative.
I feel better now a week later, after having a bipolar episode (that is hearing voices criticizing me), because I visited Todd and had a secret that I did not address in public and feel better now because I talked about it in public and shared about my visit with him, so that it is no longer a secret that I met him. I informed my work about online harassment and how it has affected me so in the event I am not well it is because I am responding to that or not responding directly to that person, and the mental health issues that result from reading the threats that this person is writing me, to make me not feel good about myself. So that’s how I got sick last week.
Otherwise I have a lot going on, returning to work and also balancing work and blogging online so that I don’t get voices, treating me like Ive move on or don’t love writing, and treat me like Im healthy or happy in a space absent who I have dedicated 10 years of my life talking to, my audience. Obviously I care and work day in and day out to make things better, to call people, to write letters, and to send messages, and have compiled the best of me in a story format to share with others on Instagram, and through books on my previous website. Everyones mental health journey is different, and everyone responds differently to the news, in treatment they don’t let you watch the news, and that’s probably because its too hectic for the mind of a person with mental health issues to digest.