Originally posted 09-29-22.

First off, Im sorry there was a provocative fan site. I now realize that whats okay in private, can cause discomfort if put in public, and I would never do that to myself, if it meant I can’t work, I just graduated, so I was hoping for my life to begin again, to be independent, not disabled, not with legal problems, not under fire, threatened, or more voices haunted. I dont feel like I am haunted, because I dont live a dark life, I dont have many secrets, and I know my part and what emotions are evoked in my audience, if something positive didnt ring a bell in mind, upon reading me, then I would not get nice compliments on my writing, and would not have improved through meds, its when you are hurt that that cant be taken back, and every time you bring it up or talk about it, a similar psychosis occurs, its like ripping your skin off your arm, and ripping your face off, when somethings up you can’t take down yourself.

Personal Update:

Recently have taken 2 weeks off of work to rest, the beginning of work was pretty grueling when my Father passed away, moved, missed Psychiatry appointment, and just need to take a break to rest and recharge. Hopefully work more hours, but because of my disability, 6 hours a day I was told was enough. 

What can’t change are the voices I get, with or without Invega, it has taken many years to adjust to it, some days none, and usually during times of stress or turmoil ongoing  because of the news, whether or not I am responding to what I see on TV, later becomes a personal issue with me, if I don’t share about it. So bare with me. 

I’ve since stopped messaging others online and focusing on my health, I think it’s a great tool if you have something supportive to say, and generally not something you engage in when youre not feeling well or not strong, that’s just how texting and emails work. 

I don’t have the energy for texting at the moment and have been taking space from everyone, including long time loves and crushes, I think this is a good time to work on myself, given the circumstances I face as a blogger, while my identity is being determined, how big or small or influential, I think great songs and movies are being made, that’s a reflection of wellness, that the show goes on with or without you.

Recently, I forgot to pick up my Prozac, and had an incident of voices heckling me, and wound up hitting my head, which hasn’t occurred since May 2020, what I was hospitalized for. Im aware that in the event that is what happens to me, that sets me back 6 months to a year from socializing again, Im usually someone who takes space in the event Im not feeling well.

Love wise, I was in love with Todd Spitzer and how much I was able to improve talking to someone everyday, and then was courted by my Ex, to date again, and he has been very loving toward me, Ive been good about not texting him, or overinundating him with anything that’s bothering me and leaving it to therapy. Went to therapy today and it went well, its worth the expense to talk in private with someone, and will start going once a week again.

Re: Shorty Awards, I got the nomination! It was the least I could do, spent $500 to apply for an award I was not even sure I would qualify for. I think a lot of conspiracy has occurred this year with a shooting in “Laguna Woods” (Legally Blonde, Elle Woods) and School Shootings in (Texas and Hollywood). Then there is my blog in development improving as I go, I feel like I was inappropriately pointed out, and that doesn’t make things easier for me, only harder if Im to read that as a confrontation, as though Im situated as negotiator or trigger by negative blasphemous things said about me online and in pictures, it was a pretty grose website, dedicated to trying to bring me down in life, hit my head, and get suicidal, it was very painful, it was like running around headless for 3 years, afraid of people, easily intimidated, and difficulty applying for jobs. I think I take credit for any mention related to me made in entertainment, since being on IMDb, and I think support is to support what Im good at, I don’t necessarily need to act or sing in order to be appreciated by them, I do so through writing, which is the most accurate measure of my mentality, influences, word choices, and direction in life. You can tell through my writing, whats resting in the subconscious, what is influencing my discussion, it is easy to tell if its about me, or whether there is an unknown discussion about anyone, I know few people, and that’s on purpose, because as a writer, if its not coming from you, it can be coming from a read on others around you, which is why I stopped going to AA when writing books, I did not want my writing, to get side tracked by interactions or what I hear from others. -and they closed my chop stop in West Hollywood. My new favorite salad place. Found out there’s one in Laguna Woods.

I did my best this year, I got out of bed, I started blogging again, I took excellent photos of myself, my face improved through self-care and skincare regimes, I started being social again, went to AA with an old friend from Kindergarten, I started dating an Ex I met way back in 2007, who has been supportive of me and lets me blog, and showed him my IMDb, he actually works in entertainment, maybe why I was drawn to their causes in life, to help us emotionally cope with the times, I think they are the experts in portrayals and communicating how we feel. And I got a job in law, my first paid paralegal position, working continuous for 200 hours plus already, and I was so proud of myself. Im not so concerned about pay at the moment, I was more focused on doing well at my job, no complaints other than punctuality, and happy with my work ethic, note taking, and execution of assignments, I hadn’t missed a deadline since I put his review of me online, seems like I get easily sabotaged in life, self-sabotage. Usually I used to take notes and accomplish what I set out to do that day, this time lists are not working for me, if its something I need to do, I get sick, and miss an appointment, if its something Im thinking, if I don’t write it down, I forget what I was going to say. If Im in a positive mood, Illl get voices and then not be able to write and end up writing about voices. If it’s a new song out, I don’t feel like Im in the mood to appreciate it, clearly my physical health made me a much happier person overall when I was running everyday, that’s how I got strong, less sensitive to noises, or people talking, and that includes voices, youre tolerance for voices improves the more physically strong you are and tolerant of “auditory delusion” voices, if you are not feeling good, its easy to feel doubly not good, so that’s that. I will have to come up with a plan for improvement, here’s what I think I need to do so far:

• Go to therapy once a week, and discuss how Ive been affected by conspiracy.
• Talk in therapy about how shootings nearby have disrupted my mental health.
• Talk about not going to work and why, and how that will set me back in life if I don’t go.
• Talk about modeling, how that makes me feel good about myself, like myself.
• Talk about self-harm how it happens, what causes me to get frustrated give up.
• What is it that they are saying “voices” that’s so upsetting, how true, unrue.
• How does my texting to Todd Spitzer, encourage bad mouthing me and why.
• How does who I trust matter moving forward, not be robbed, or F and rejected.
• How can I be more social, how has schizophrenia affected my productivity.
• Start walking every other day, start working out again, lose weight.
• Keep up with memberships, and continuing my education.
• Take notes while taking Udemy courses, to write articles on coursework,
• Read books, to fill my mind with other words, other than “auditory delusion.”
• Follow-up on Neighborhood Justice Program this week, volunteer work/panel.
• If I need to take a step down from paid work, can do volunteer work.
• Continue with the next phase of life coaching for Fingerprint for Success.
• Believe in myself, if in my heart Im dedicated to help others, how so.
• What will be less stressful, working in law under pressure, or life coaching?

Only recently since being off work for the majority of this month have had the time to work on my website and update its features, (which led me to apply for Shorty Awards again, which is a huge deal because in years past Ive not qualified as a company, so way’d it go audience for showing that Im a real blogger by views you contributed to my stats! Super cool!) And all my hard work has paid off (the epidemic may be creeping up, but Im pretty sure by our odds, can better our odds in the future, not allow for bad things to happen, to any of us, nor any influencer, and continue to talk smarts into others, not hate). Meanwhile my website apparently grew in traffic, and in the 14,000s on Alexa again, by an app added, and by some stats on websites, being viewed and visited, I think the wordpress plugins show the most accuracy so if you’re ever wondering how many people are reading, I am now keeping an exact count per post. Im so thankful for everyones accident forgiveness, it was very shocking for me, to have taken down a website after complaining for a year, the Detective goes “well you must have done something” yeah I was feeling good pretty modeling, then I didn’t feel good, then shouted at for not feeling good, I have bipolar its now schizophrenia, and that’s not pretend when my eyes are completely devoid of any difficulty, that’s me in appreciation of now hopeful. I also told the Detective that Im suing you if you don’t take this Facebook page down, and he responded right away, his name is in Texas too now, everyone has their ways of telling truth. When it becomes a fight, its WAY AFTER it hit me, WHEN everyone is nice, I HAVE TO BE NICE TOO. Therefore there is no point for me to get upset, because by the time Im upset, theyre over it. Usually things hit me hard, and its like rolling in bed for months, like Im not gonna make it, wake me up when Im free to roam, lock myself in my room, take meds, write books …..