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What you represent …

There are general markings of approved for speech … let alone encourage during any difficult point in time when you either lose interest in a speaker or think less of them, and I wouldn’t be able to tell you when and if that occurs and why, especially not by any diagnosis let any voices be a trustworthy indicator of what’s going well for me through blogging. It takes many years to build an audience that doesn’t happen overnight I’ve been working through mental health issues since leaving law school a JD program and it took me a year to get going again, without checking my grades and handwriting assignments I think the less stress you subject yourself to in life the better you do, there will always be reasons for failure now is not one of them. Not in my book. Not everything can go perfectly as a blogger online, that much I would never expect to be exposed on any level to cause distaste for me, that’s not what modeling is for, to be looked at and not liked, on any level, that’s not my strength modeling. Clearly over the years I have improved whether I recognized myself as ugly or for whatever reasons was not neat looking I never understood myself to look a less than I was able, and improved over time, whether or not that was a goal in mind, you won’t know what you’re capable of looking like if you don’t put forward the effort to improve. Which brings me to a painful discussion of selling points or points for abuse such as nationality, schooling, familial history, associations, friendships, medication, jobs, clothes, etiquette, vocabulary, essays, personal statements, letters, books, autobiographies, self-help books. There’s a lot to think about in life when it comes to what you have to say for yourself or others, I don’t think that’s an easy subject, instead I feel like what’s thoughtfully said gets turned into a situation where people are not impressed by what you have to say, or remember, and that not being a good enough attempt at writing a book. Which means last December when I was ready to publish didn’t happen for me, mostly because I couldn’t afford the publishing fee. I worked really hard on my book and it’s not finished yet it’s a self-help book nothing to do with my childhood, adolescence, or high school years which today I would describe as the best years of my life. The years you are social tend to be viewed in that way it’s the years you’re not social or don’t get out much or stop applying for jobs that create for uncomfortable discussions later in life, just do your best. So the best way I can think to blog is not to lend reference to any identifying factors that would cause anyone to think more or less of me. I don’t think I’ve ever dropped the bar representation wise with regards to any distant connections in life I’ve never not supported anyone and I’ve never not communicated my condition or mental health issues to anyone I’ve worked for past 2013, is when I first faced difficulty moving forward which explains how I got into running, weight loss was not the goal I never had body image issues growing up or during the years I was a runner. I think it’s later in life whatever you spend the most time on is what you have to show for yourself. I’ve never compared myself to anyone, I’ve never not liked the way I look, and I’ve never had problems with the way I look until I got mental health issues, which are not because of living life or who’s in your life is more about confidence, self-esteem, comfort, thinking, progress, getting help, checking in, being treated, and you either overcome those phases out life or made to think too hard about difficult times, if I didn’t get through it with confidence improve then I wouldn’t be blogging about a life I don’t have or don’t deserve. No one who drinks or relapses is respected in the AA community it’s one of those things you either stop or you relapse and respect is lost, that’s the basis for building trust, not a system of belief that you can just wear on your sleeve like a membership you get credit for as having been through the 12 step program it’s not a joke, it’s if you don’t stick to what’s working for you that you get sick again. I think because I’ve been prescribed many different meds it’s been difficult even off meds get sick hospitalized so living less of life not being social or dating means that I was working on myself so that I can be afforded those opportunities in life no matter how difficult my past was or late twenties. I think by photo you can either look back with pride or you can remember any difficult moments struggling with self harm I just recently self harmed if that’s what anyone’s getting at, it’s one of those things if you talk about it then it happens it’s not my recovery approach to discuss anything that I’m not an expert on, self-harm. It’s not about attention, it’s about negative attention, so whether or not that’s something I have control over if I don’t the talking about what’s bothering me or putting me under pressures in life I’m sure is nothing anyone wants to hear about, problems that could be avoided or unnecessary to go through had I just not engaged in that way with anyone in private, I don’t think it’s normal to make and send pictures I think it happens and there are repercussions. So in my best advice don’t share pictures with anyone you don’t know, that would be a mistake. My general outlook today after much needed rest, not perfection yet, I think you have to work really hard to cruise through life it’s never been that way for me each day either in the mood to write or not confident, no matter what’s going on in the world, again it would be a mistake to talk about life like it’s difficult if you are viewed as someone with a good life who should not go through difficulty if recently finding success graduating completing a masters, and building a successful blog. What is success? It’s finding what you’re good at in life no matter what it is, painting, drawing, writing, music, theater, acting, socializing, phone skills, modeling, going out, working, getting fit, going to the gym, social media, business, marketing, writing books, I don’t think you get to a place in life where you can reflect in a big way that’s helpful to others not unless you’ve started with nothing or at rock bottom (meaning you put you’re all into something that didn’t work out for you such as a JD). That was really hard to let go of. There’s life after failure so even if you can’t get your head around why you weren’t able the best thing you can do is move forward and do what you can, whether that’s taking a lesser career path, such as blogging, whatever helps you to improve your mindset is what all progress is about, no one is perfect, sober or not, I think it’s easy to blame people for their problems if they drink or don’t drink even if their problems aren’t because of drinking or relapsing it just makes people not trust you with money, jobs, clients, friendships, or relationships, if you can’t be relied upon you wind up with less in life that’s the lesson, manage what you have going for you in life and do your best to be apart of life not a flower on the wall, observing life as it happens without having a life of your own. This year marks the first time I’ve been in touch with most all of my friends past whether through messenger or text so what does that mean, it means I’m doing better I have things to talk about, I’m happy with myself, I’ve come along way, and I need to continue improving whether or not they’re around, the goal is not to mess up in life or take my present situation for granted the goal is to be independent work get an apartment and be on my own again that’s the dream, being self sufficient, able to take care of myself and others. It’s not a privilege I take for granted I don’t take risks I don’t feel good doing things I’m not supposed to be doing and I don’t live a double life or capable of liking more than one person I think if you’re focused on yourself it’s easier for people to relate to you if you are put together I think it’s harder to socialize be there for others if you’re not put together don’t know your issues well enough to appreciate everyone showing up doing their part to be out and about after a difficult year so when I changed my Twitter heading to “everyone’s been through a lot” meaning it’s not necessary to share any problems or difficulties personal outloud means that I respect how at a time like this it can be easy for anyone to not have compassion or view your difficulties or challenges with “dislike” especially on any basis cut and dry wrong and right you know intimacy bonding people getting close to you is like that, easily upsetting, not good enough, unnecessary, tiring, confusing, upsetting, annoying, and creates an unreasonable challenging feeling to anyone onlooking not understanding what’s coming from you or based on any recent experience doing my best not to make a big deal of if I didn’t do my best to report then that would be being treated as attorney to whoever and I’m not that strong to be looked at and made fun of with confidence vaguely or specifically without a flinch, I think to be referenced to means that someone has confidence in your ability to say things right whether we are at a mutual place of comprehension helped whether that helps the general audience set the mood of what we are going through “recovery” by Coldplay, most things not deserved are not credited to people for any reason, comebacks and all and that’s also not a valid explanation interpretation wise to illustrate comprehend or describe devastation as man made out of a representative sample of successful work products thought related to me recent struggles manufactured deserved or not. I have not harmed anyone I have not ignored anyone I have not thrown anyone under any bus I have not left reality I have to turned into a more immune person and I have not let anyone weather a storm alone without crediting who is famous for continuing to carry on topics for discussion whether it hits you in that way or not covered issues on all levels that’s not how the world works by shout out find who’s important in life or of essence the less you connect people to stories to excuse reactions of people the less you allow for me to be blamed on the basis of who I know by name social media post create argument that I’m not someone of value who lets myself be known without me knowing it likewise I would not subject anyone I know to being known without talking to them, this is why my blog is mostly about me whether you accept my diagnosis or not or the name of the treatment center and address it’s not by my obsession or code that anything looks precarious I’m just now recognizing that by job name last name doctor name theres a quality of disrespect occurring if you do anything in an unnatural way to cause disrespect toward you like you are exposing others to have a bigger tolerance for how to understand and represent self and others which doesn’t all need to be related to devastation. I think I did my part driving to Orange County talking to police and emailing DA Spitzer who I texted the minute I was driving to the treatment center to let him know I would be in his town reported something I saw on the freeway by chance unrelated to what occurred who was captured or the name of the street highlighted in the news, I used to study at Chapman School of Law who I dated recently moved here I’ve seen once a year or every move or job over a period of 10 years, I’d hate to describe life as slow, but never in my life have I ever blogged in avoidance of any issue I’ve had to go out of my way to make sure is not a pattern repeated in the future for blame for anyone ever mentioned by me, not supported by me, or supported by me by not speaking directly to, I think who’s in power you inform that’s so you don’t seem like an unnecessary hazard online or unimportant resource in life, I think if you make yourself available to all you either help or take a break that’s not the solution having problems causing problems creating indifference or beliefs or lend insight to lesser known jokes in life be poorly received or looked at like I’m lying or making up things or worries in life, I’ve always done my best when it gets to be too much, if I’m at rest, that doesn’t mean that anything urgent was not tended to whether you have a public record of writing to confirm your beliefs if disbeliefs it’s not a big whole in understanding that I left open for anyone to fall into and get sick this is why I blogged everyday because that room to be filled should be used to fill those misunderstandings or worries with positives not cause people to be apathetic angry upset or hold anyone of value in disdain on the basis of whether they help or don’t help. Not all interactions will lead to inspiring change. There is plenty of time for beauty and for thinking in a creative way being okay with everyone and everything is a good start. Not assume life is easy for me or a joke focused on the wrong things in life I think by demeanor I do my best not to bother anyone. That’s my choice, to be alone.

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