blogging, blogging tips, modeling, Uncategorized

Being Exposed …

When I first started blogging I was really positive I was looking forward to learning more about how to distribute, use hashtags, join groups, and meet other bloggers in the community. And the harder I tried to be that cookie cutter blogger, with perfect posts, the bigger trouble I seemed to get in in my personal life. I think once you become a blogger you have to be very careful who you talk to, having a public image takes time and is a lot of hard work and if youre not careful someone can mistake your image online being well and popular as an opportunity to threaten you or dismantle you or hurt you. Don’t let your audience be affected. I think I am affected anytime someone uses something I have made or created and re-posts it criticizing me, I would never watch someone struggling and criticize them for it. The videos of me talking did not start until I contacted Todd Spitzer, and made a few flirty videos that were taken from my phone and posted online not posted by me, its when something was done illegally, taking things from my phone and not posted online, that I started going to #laxcourthouse and sitting there everyday for 30 days. So while that may seem emotional or mentally ill, that was just me saying why is this person hurting me, who authorizes this person to hurt me, and what am I doing wrong in life to deserve for someone to hurt me in this way and try to embarrass me in front of my audience online. You will never understand where people are coming from, who try to be close to you, then become unhappy with you, then threaten you, I will never understand the dynamic of entitlement that people feel toward you just because you are doing well. Like everyone else I get sick, I feel scared, I feel threatened, so its not okay just because I am on my own in life is disable me by scaring me, and that’s why I went to court everyday to stay out of trouble. The quality of the videos demonstrate that I was going through a lot so obviously I am not trying to attract people to me or pretend to be something I am not, I am clearly someone who is going though a lot and cannot handle being aggravated. As someone who has mental health issues, maybe it doesn’t make sense to you why I am not more welcoming or in a good mood, if someone is hurting me, it may be difficult for me to be at ease, to want to create and share material without being bothered that demonstrates that I care and want to help others who are struggling feel more at ease. I don’t think that I get treated with compassion, that’s being treated like Im mentally ill, or disease, or defective, or retarded, that’s being mean to me, simply because you don’t think that what you are doing is wrong, its wrong to go through my phone or Twitter account and post material without my permission, its wrong to hurt me until there are visible signs of upset and disability in my writing in my photos, for you to understand that you have had a negative impact on my well being. I have been nothing but nice to the people who I have let into my life whether that’s online, or romantically, I think there is always a term and a limit once there is aggravation that relationship can no longer continue, two people can only get along when they foster one another’s development and it does not make sense to me why I am forced to be compliant with peoples demands like Im some unlimited resource for material that is to make me not feel good at my expense to make themselves feel good, that’s not okay. I don’t take my upset out on people. I am proactive I get help, and I have ever right to say that I am not okay with what is being done to me and say that I don’t want that to be done to me I don’t deserve for that to be done to me. I want to move forward in life, I want to work, I want to find a career that I do well in. I just graduated from law school I am getting interviews. So when you see me sound like Im serious on video that me fighting for my future, to say that I don’t deserve to be disabled, I don’t deserve to be bullied, I don’t deserve to be given a hard time, I don’t deserve to be robbed, I don’t deserve to be invaded, I don’t deserve to be exposed. It is a big deal, so while I may be doing a good job not showing that Im affected, I do struggle with voices, and it doesn’t make it any easier on me being threatened and exposed like I am something different in private that I am in public, the person that is being recorded is the person who is being beat up and threatened and exposed so that is the person face and body of someone who is being attacked and hurt and injured and saying stop. I have every right to start dating again, I just joined bumble. So this is me saying I demand my right to privacy, stop exposing me and trying to embarrass me, you have no right to go through my things and to hurt me or try to hurt me in front of other people because you think I deserve to hurt or suffer in public, Im tired, Im hurt, I got thr flu, I tired of being treated like I bring things upon myself, Im tired of being treated like a second class citizen or someone who is suicidal, life is painful, Im tired of hitting my head everytime someone is being mean to me by voices, and its something that I cant stop because there is a Facebook Page and GoDaddy website that encourages people to hurt me, to invade me, and to beat me up, and that’s not okay. You wont know what a good person is until you lose them from your life, so don’t go on hurting me and pushing me away, and treating me like there is something wrong with me, just to say that you knew me as someone who was once like this who is now like this and push and push and push for a worse state to say that Im the defective condition that quits or gives up in life, no its what is being don’t to me that hurts my head and makes me sick and is not okay. 

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