abuse, advice, advocacy, blogging, stop suicide

Coming from a Good Place …

Always come from a good place in life, and everything comes back to you tenfold in life, that’s something that I have always believed in. I think this is an isolated incident of hate, occurring during a period in which I was learning to express myself by video, and exploring my writing potential by blog, and I think that went underappreciated by someone who did not end up respecting me and instead seeks to promote hate toward me and disgust and I don’t think that I deserve that. For some reason people are aggressive toward me, that’s just my personality type, and maybe that’s because I have disability, and seeing themselves as able or quick thinking, don’t think that I am in a place, where I have not chosen to be pressure wise. I think that blogging helped to alleviate that pressure coming from a big case name in life, and have tried to make myself more approachable, and help others to understand the issues, of coming from a good life, and then be exposed to people from different lives, not be judged as someone who is capable of withstanding this type of heat and pressure in life, to get jobs, without connections, and to make it in the world, separated from friends and loved ones, its not easy, Ive never given up on myself. So although you may not understand how or why I got hurt, this was the first year in which I have ever talked to anyone openly mean to me, hurting me, in my entire life, and Im not sure why that is the case. Maybe you don’t agree with my condition, or respect what Ive been through in life, that does not justify mistreatment of me, or belittle me in public, and label me a “pervert,” Im not that, I stopped having sex, so if you don’t see talking by computer as a safe way, to explore companionship, then maybe in the years of your experience with marriage and kids, makes me not a match in your book, so if you are looking for something more, and just want sex, there are porn websites to appease your tastes. Learn to accept people as human beings, we all have our limitations in life, and some of us are not comfortable sexually, or physically, especially not obese, so learn to respect that deficiency in someone, not willing to expose themselves to the world. You have to be feeling good about yourself, to model and to blog, and that’s a lot of work on my end, just getting to know the world and letting the world get to know me, you cant push someone who is already performing to their highest capacity, that’s how people break, get strokes, commit suicide, self-harm, and struggle, you cant push people over their edges in life. Self-love is a fact of life, everyone showers and has to touch themselves, and if you are so privileged to be able to experience orgasm by yourself, that’s your achievement, your privacy, and your business, and its not for anyone to judge you any differently, for not offering your body for sex with another human being, for me it later became not worth the risk health wise, physically, and mentally. Breakups, are emotionally devastating, its like ripping your heart out, and leaving you with nothing, that’s why I picked up long distance running, it was a way to separate myself from that period in life, where I was waiting to get well, waiting to get married, waiting to have a companion in life, you kind of have to be going in life to have things in life. So although Im doing better now, that doesn’t mean that I am ready or fit for marriage yet, and that doesn’t mean that I need to have this conversation out loud, and be embarrassed by the fact that I am being humiliated online, and made out to look like Im worse than I am, Im conservative, I have never taken a bad photo in my life, always covered, and doing my best, I only started modeling sexy 2019, so learn to give it a rest on expectations of what sexy is supposed to look like, I didn’t choose to be fat either and forced to be on meds, because of what Ive been though in life and all the instability that that created for me in life. Learn not to take your sexuality out on others, or experience for that matter, we cant all be free and willing free spirits, maybe in my past life I was healthy and able to hook up and date, but at 36, its time to settle down, and to only date men who respect me and don’t give me a hard time, and give me space, such as the soldier, or my ex-boyfriend, who recently moved back to California. -So although Im going through a lot, its completely demeaning to have to talk about it in public and makes me suicidal and frozen, which is why I have chosen not to talk about it, and doing my best to talk about other things, and need to talk to a detective, I took a few blog posts down, because it was so gut wrenching for me to discuss that. -So that’s being overwhelmed, it’s the devastating consequence of letting someone into your life, and having that person try to ruin your life, which doesn’t make sense to me, why cant people just be normal, why do people have to be so forceful and controlling, over your outlook, future, and potential, who is anyone to tell you that you don’t deserve to have a life, or deserve to die disabled, I don’t want to die, I want to live, and I wish that this person would respect my right to live too. #stopsuicide

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