abuse, advice, advocacy, affirmations, blogging

And That’s the End of That …

I’ve noticed that the tension has decreased and people are going back to living freely again, although there is much to worry about in the news, I think overall we are coping better having had these discussions whether or not there are actual people commenting and replying to my posts, I know that I get support in the form of likes, which I appreciate. Have you ever noticed that you are affected by what you connect to, same goes for reading and writing, that is the other space that you are getting a reading from, who is reading, and that is the beauty of writing, that even if someone is thinking the same exact thing as you, you are still able to think different and produce a different result, we all hope that betters one another. I almost got a job with a legal think tank earlier this year and got paid for two papers, that was a very rewarding experience, I felt smart. As a writer, you think a lot about how things sit and how you are later affected by what you have said, you also wonder what someone else is going through having read your work, what thoughts come up for them during the course of reading. You can’t make it perfect with everyone, there will always be more steadfast supporters, than naysayers, but what can you do, everyone has their expectations, and don’t we all set our expectations high. I don’t think that improvement is about “high expectations” or “high standards,” I think its about working toward your goals in life and feeling good about what you are doing, that’s what catapults you to success, or to those aha moments, where you can get into more nuanced ideas and words strung along that just seem to hit the right spot with others and yourself. There will always be a certain heaviness about displeasure and rejection. There’s something about everyone knowing you and holding you up to extra standards as someone who is considered famous, with no publicist and no public representation for my blogs and writing, that’s the thing, when no one represents you, you represent yourself, and to me that’s what being a blogger is all about. What is representation to me? To me representation is about benefiting those who you interact with, who by knowing you, and by others knowing that they know you, are not affected by who knows you and who also knows them, so that was the big test, since DA Todd Spitzer won his election. We have been talking for a year, at least me messaging him, and we both improved, and he won his election, and I got my first paid job in law, that’s overcoming the odds of negative publicity and harassment, and getting strong again, and being well liked anyways, despite not being that famous. What people support is how they feel that’s plain and simple when it comes to success and interaction, its all about feeling, why they tell you to stay home if you are not feeling well. How people benefit is through learning something about themselves that they pick up on having heard from you, and that’s how others improve through reading your writing, and being exposed to your lifestyle, and how you compartmentalize your problems, and get through life. Sometimes we need an example or jumping off point, from which to figure things out or to see things for ourselves, without my writing there would be nothing about me online, and at that point Im not sure what would be thoughts of me, if no one knew what I was like on the inside. Writing lets you get to know me, what Im like on the inside, what I sound like and how I feel, and you will only know who is not bothered by you, or who feels better by you, based on how many people read your work. That’s my barometer for how I will fair in the world, not go by the naysayers, or people who don’t feel good by me or reject, anyone who is not enthusiastic about me, is not my priority to build enthusiasm for them, I have been through enough, I have a difficult life with disability, and blogging is incredibly challenging although rewarding, and working is very challenging too although rewarding. Like all risks that you take in writing, there are chances it will not make sense, or not in the context for which you are speaking be relatable to who is assembling it alongside what they are thinking or what they are thinking of you, if being critical of your words based on present news and circumstances reading you for guilts in life, or mental illness. That’s the problem with having mental health issues, it seems like some signal to someone else to tell you not to like my work and tell you that I don’t make sense, all I know is that I know what I’m like when I’m going through a mental health issues, Im self-harming, Im suicidal, Im not working, Im not blogging, and Im not stable, Im nervous, I cant be around people, I don’t feel comfortable around people, Im home in my room sleeping all day and night, or running and avoiding everyone, that to me is what mental health issues feel like, isolating, and painful. So when people try to get through to you as though you choose to be that way, its not a choice, you want to get better you just don’t know how, and you want to heal from disability, and you don’t want your disposition in life to be permanent, but that’s how things are people go by how they feel, so someone who is well will never be completely sure about you, and someone who is experienced will never be completely dedicated to you, and someone who is new will always be enthusiastic about hearing form you, because someone new doesn’t have any expectations, they are proud of you for getting to where you are based on where you were, and sometimes that’s all we can ask of people, to expect a little less, and reject a little less, be a little kinder, and chances are to the same extent, I don’t want to be burdened to take care of you or buffer how you are feeling in life, and I would not expect anyone to do that for me either, I can help myself, I can go to court by myself, I can call the police by myself, I can go to therapy by myself, and I can write to the newspaper by myself, I can take care of myself. What I don’t need is for others to force feed me feelings coming from the naysayers they think should intimidate me into not speaking like I should be scared of what others think, or make me feel like I would say or have said anything wrong. What’s discomforting is to not have a blog, that’s when everything feels like a turtle neck on me, its not appropriate for anyone to roast me, because of who I am, I could be just as successful and rich as the rest of them, and its not fair to treat me like Im not one of them or writing to some lesser standard, I’m not, this is my best writing, and I write with the best of them.

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