First busy day in awhile since the move. We moved to a smaller place, and really like my new room and happy to put odds and ends in storage and start anew no more filing cabinets. Since I started blogging my apartment has been full of filing cabinets printing and saving everything as I went all my writing in PDFs. I’ve made a lot of progress since my days on Twitter, a little more careful these days and not so free or experimental with my writing anymore which I miss Shakespeare mode or trying to outbeat my sad poetry from college being experimental after taking an upper division writing course. I cleaned all day my room, and scrubbed the bathroom with bleach and about to go for a walk for an hour, and got cute shoes at Ross today. So feeling more like myself again with energy which is rare to see I have unusual determination today which I haven’t had in awhile. Still to myself not much to say to anyone.

In the middle of a Kardashians marathon on Hulu and really enjoy the new show and all it’s features and new cast mates. (New to Apple TV) -It’s really cool to see their family develop over the years I used to watch in law school, I’d record the episodes and watch tv after studying. I used to be good about following shows and somehow stopped watching tv and got into running in my 30s and reading books. I guess that’s how my passion for writing came to be, something you need to stay healthy for. If you’re like me and have ever wondered where all your energy went stuck in bed all day most mornings and sluggish days on meds it feels great once you start moving again it took me awhile to adjust to the Invega it kind of slows you down and makes you more in your head introverted but haven’t felt scared of people these days able to make eye contact and talk and respond to others without feeling bothered which is a good sign, to be approachable.

I’ve been more lost in previous years but this year is not one of them. Just like everyone else I’m capable of falling apart, looking stupid, not be well spoken, say the wrong things, cut chords, build defenses, build walls around me, feel threatened easily, sensitive. I’m a sensitive person, but today is not one of those days. Not too comfortable in my new surroundings yet will take some getting used to the commute and work on being presentable it’s a neighborhood community not like running in Santa Monica everyday or in Brentwood. The police stopped by to talk to me standing outside smoking last night it was late 3am and had a good chat he was just looking out for me to make sure “nothing bad” happened to me so pick a new smoking spot I guess not street side. It’s a non-smoking community so this is a good change for me, since I used to smoke a lot take fewer smoke breaks and not smoke too much before bed and in the mornings is when it usually happens.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on life and where I see myself in the future and it’s difficult for me to plan ahead with no one in my life I feel like these things are easier and more exciting to do when you’re in a relationship so just trying to live for the moment and enjoy what life I have left and forgive myself for the years spent disabled or lost self-harming I’m sure we all go through phases in life when we are not up to par I just never envisioned myself as struggling in life, but as luck will have it bipolar and schizophrenia happened to me in life so it will just take some adjusting.

I think the expectation of someone with mental health issues is to be hyper and obnoxious, so please excuse my enthusiasm on my Instagram maybe it doesn’t match your tone of seriousness but sometimes it’s by our exposures that people are able to make adjustments and better themselves. We don’t always know how to be or react not unless we see someone who is doing for themselves what they would have wanted done for others in any event of trauma speak for themselves and also provide a voice of reason when it comes to blaming others for any reason you can think of.

This year I got my power back instead of losing my power and good senses (mental health) to bullying I got a job, was there for my Father as he was dying, and there for my family in a time of need as normal as I could be. I think a lot of mental health issues require you to just do that much in life, take yourself seriously, take life seriously, and do your best as though you don’t have ample time to make choices and decisions in life and just do what needs to get done and what will make those around you happy and feel better too.

To me getting well is about benefiting everyone, and not to allow my sufferings or shortcomings in life to affect others. To me getting well is about not being selfish, it’s about helping others, it’s not all about feeling good. And on a day like today when I’m feeling depressed and keeping busy, lonely, I’m going back to blogging where I feel loved, included, apart if, important, significant, influential, helpful, and a friend.

If I can be someone you’d consider a friend even better. I think the modeling really takes away from my personality naturally a tomboy and friends with mostly men growing up in life that it just feels odd to approach life any differently not as platonic is what I’m used to, being admired but not dated. That’s the suit I’m most comfortable I’m not soliciting to be approached that also means that it’s not okay to gain weight on meds and manage appearances just the same even if I’m not dating which is what I’ve been focusing on in my 30s when I started to battle obesity.

I’ve never been above 140lbs my whole life, so this is new being bigger and I just feel better recently having lost 10-15 lbs and keeping the weight off even if I binge eat 3 slices of pizza at one time. So … with mental health eventually all you have is you. Here’s synopsis of what one of my episodes looks like:

(1) Not feeling well, in my shell.

(2) Messy room not exercising or feeling slow.

(3) Standing out but not feeling pretty.

(4) Focused but not getting anything done.

(5) Feel ashamed or embarrassed.

(6) Disconnected from family & friends.

(7) Trouble keeping still, driving a lot.

(8) Feeling overwhelmed.

(9) Difficulty making commitments.

(10) Doing good work but not proud of myself.

(11) Others happy with me but I’m not happy.

(12) People talking to me but I’m quiet.

(13) Trouble getting through to others.

(14) Insulted easily, knocked off center.

(15) Irritable then complain confrontational.

(16) Feelings not affirmed or starts a fight.

(17) Not at peace like others are happy content.

(18) Focused but no one to focus with.

(19) Looking forward to my future.

(20) Not able to do things right now.

So that’s something I go through when I’m in “meditation” that is away from others in my head and focusing which is recommended for people with schizophrenia but it seems like I have difficulty engaging with others which I think is the problem with my diagnosis being away from others mentally and then upon engagement not connecting or not feeling the same as them either I’m too strong inside or I’m not feeling like being loving or lightening up so that’s how or feels you are either focused in your shell and someone in willing to reach out to you or you are the one who needs to get help or reach out to others, I think many people feel the same way about making choices in life to be extroverted or not and preferring to not be social on the basis of rejection of coming across as needy or annoying or not a good choice in life.

Your best suit is to be approachable not everyone has that in them with mental health issues you learn to be more trusting of people who are strong or aggressive and not threatened so easily by them and sometimes in order to adjust you just need to say what’s in your hand in life (like a game of poker or cards) and this allows people to choose to either adjust to you or to let things go or to stay in their shell not affected by you in your shell.

This is why not to take things personally there’s leadership and there’s an abundance of “what to do nows” if you ever find yourself as one of those people in life that’s okay to be lost and to find no one other than yourself to get through to you most things people say to you sizing you up is hurtful I even feel not understood or hurt in therapy so the positive feedback never sticks I guess I will never understand what makes me that way, short or upset, aggravated, insulted, hurt, suicidal and stuck in psychosis that’s another form of meditation called “mental illness” it’s sitting still with sickness that spreads to your body just like depression makes you tired and sleep all day!

So don’t fret you are in control, you are driving the stick shift to your car in life, and there’s a lot to learn about having some self control and not going by others and allowing for a “stillness to take place” when you are proud of the energy around you, when your defenses are down, when you’re feeling apologetic, when others feel like they are being heard, when your moods validate others that makes mental health not such a scary subject especially for those who feel strong confident proud and beautiful we can’t all be one of them in life.

The goal is to not allow all those feelings causing you sickness to make you feel defeated, less than, or incapable. Just like people with mental health issues a group can equally accomplish success in communicating with one another as a person in recovery from mental health issues is able to communicate within themselves and this is how a group eventually feels better when they don’t have feelings of things they can’t say spoken or said wrong that causes an upset to people who cannot defend if speak for what they believe to be true this is what makes right now complicated.

So any slow down post trauma is a good sign that you are reacting or responding probably to the hesitancy of others if you are a leader a “natural born leader” then you can empathize with those in leadership who feel like they have to internalize and shelter otters from what they can factor and reason on their own without causing harm to others not so tolerant of stresses in life.

I’m hoping that these posts find you well in whatever you are going through just the same I could go nuts hit my head get defensive or blame myself if others but I’m not the type of person to cause a scene or attract unwanted attentions to myself or others that’s not my strength seeing clear around me when things are serious I’m trying to understand people on a individual level until they are at peace not disgruntle others defiant be altruistic at a time like this.