Where you are in life you deserve to be. Maybe it’s that people don’t think that I deserve to be a successful writer and blogger online, with the potential to publish a book for a fee, or work as a trained life coach for a fee, at some point in the future. It probably has to do with who my best friend was growing up, I don’t think that the impulse to share had anything to do with The Kardashians, I dropped 50lbs before they incorporated and started building their wealth. Im not competitive, I root for others, more so than I would ever waste a freckle of time being critical of anyone. Im the type of person who accepts people as they are, never looking for flaws, never sizing people up, never seeing anyone as stupid, and never feeling judged by others. Im the type of person that is not judging someone from where they are coming from, and not one to inquire what means what, it actually is nothing you ever think of, until you are made to think about people’s sources in life, maybe because I was a source in life. 

I never really felt the need to go to others for advices or opinions, its worth the effort to make someone else feel smart on occasion, that’s how the world should work, people competent and able to help others, no degrees assigned, or specific schooling necessary to have that type of wit and instinct to say something to make someone feel better about themselves. So this is where the diagnosis comes into play, it seems like just like voices or therapy goes, it’s someone trying to talk inside of you, as though the inside of you need to speak, and does not hear what you are saying as reflective of whats inside of you, Im not the kind of person who holds secrets well. I have submitted to all treatments and monthly shots beginning when living in Westwood in a studio apartment around 2014ish, and then again 2016-2017, and again 2021-2022. It’s hard to stop living life, and the meds stop you from thinking all together, and stopped running everyday, so that’s where all your energy goes on meds, you move slower, you think slower, and you get irritable, cranky, and frustrated, because you don’t have the headspace to think things over stuff you used to enjoy doing, thinking, disabled, and I don’t know why that was done to me, since when is it not okay to think, and since when is weight gain and disability the solution to fixing what is wrong with you, it certainly doesn’t help the treatment of you.

In disability on anti-psychotics, I got suicidal, I used to hit my head, and I was constantly hospitalized, you lose all motivation in life, and you cant perform, and can barely work, everything is a chore, you get headaches, and its mentally taxing for all the aggressiveness toward you, as though the weight of the world on your shoulders, is being impressed upon them to help you or care for you, I was never looking for answers in life, and I don’t see you as all knowing or holder to the solution to me feeling good again among others, I see just as much as you do in terms of patterns, behavior, songs, movies, titles, and books and Im not offended by any of it, I tried free reading and filled up a whole book shelf and maybe that’s where people have me wrong. If the inside joke is to make fun of a person as much as OJ, then that is how society works and functions if that’s what makes people feel good to watch someone suffer or fail, well I cant change how high they hold their chin in the air in life, why should that matter to me, why should that bother me, I wouldn’t want to be any other person in the world other than me, Im happy with who I am, and yes I do think blogging is a real job, what is money for anyway? If its about making money to be treated as human being, then why should I be stuck working anywhere where I get voices and headaches that makes me wonder where do I belong in life, what is too much, what’s over my head, and whats hurtful, the air? Of course not. 

What does it mean when people stop talking to you, it means that you are not well and need to get better, I finally started texting and got a few replies this year, that’s a big deal to me, Ive not seen friends since 2015 and 2016, is when I last spoke to my two best girl friends. They’ve started families by now, so I always figured that when I got well again, that I would be able to talk to them again.

Im not someone who feels comfortable talking to others when Im not feeling well, or not myself. Unfortunately that’s what meds do to you, they cause you to feel tired, sluggish, you experience weight gain, you feel unmotivated, depressed, and in bed all day. I don’t think I was ever any type of loose cannon, or emotional person growing up, or ever subjected to any unwanted pressures in life, Iived alone and generally keep to myself, and that’s how I am, that is how I stay at peace, not through conversations and connecting, that drains me to be connected to people, and it also hurts to be connected to people, who then don’t open up about their lives, and need to hear from you in order to accept you. 

That’s a bad place to be in in life, when someone who doesn’t know you is telling the world who you are or how you are or what you are, I think that should be something that a person should be able to identify and say to others in their own timing, like writing an autobiography, I think 30s was the best time to start writing and late twenties, because that is when you still remember your past and childhood vividly, by now after so much trauma, I have forgotten most things, only remembered because I have previously told stories from my life.