Most of the Time …

By the time I get upset I’m usually tired and upon being tired heckled and taunted told things that usually send me off course in life I remember and later recall upon being able to stand up straight and think things over but in those moments of feeling gone, feelings hurt, like I’m being one upped, tricked on purpose by someone more alert than me with a lighter load of issues in life, taken advantage of treated as scared or guilty, and pride upon being despondent or quiet not interactive focused on them, made to focus on them, when my attentions are within me. I’m not sure why that is, my focus interrupted as though being focused on myself or my own thoughts disturbs anyone overlooking my progress, as though one is supposed to be open and loving light hearted and if not deemed issue laden or problematic to the extreme of keeping them separate from everyone not responded to, there are many communication in non communication or rejection, it’s a hurt inflicted to one, who is not taken seriously in life, not empathized with, or recognized as sweet or feminine sensitive, but treated as bad, or incoherent, not arrived, behind in life, on their own merits, as though deserved to be screamed at in life by loved ones as though I’m the reason for me feeling gone or feeling mentally ill incapable of achieving in life. There are two kinds of people: (1) is taunted and proves them wrong, rises above the commentary, and achieves self respect regardless who is deemed guilty of my condition transpired always told “well it’s your fault,” without talking about the causes for my mental health stability appearance demeanor or look, and (2) one who when sensitive or pressured without knowing what to do to alleviate turmoil following lost rapport or love, seeks to back out of a deal upon being hard on me when I’m not being aggressive toward them accusatory, it’s like it’s okay for others to be pushy with me and preserve their happiness and peace doing stuff for acceptance or without thinking thinking there is an end goal of repair, don’t buy into anyone who has harmed you as though they can at a later point in time provide solution to your inner upset, problems, or mental health issues, if one believes you to have cheated on them, then that’s how you will be treated like some trick whore, without them taking responsibility for hurting you in the guest place since April posting a page on and off, demanding compliance for friendship, and expecting me to be the same person loving and sweet, once youve hurt me and push me over the edge demanding, I have every right to say no I’m not going to give you more money and I’m not going to listen to your promises or convince me that you are my happy ending, if I’m a happy person, that’s someone taking everything from me to make themselves happy and wealthy while hurting me by comments to make me feel bad about myself like I wasn’t a good person to begin with and now appear sickly mentally ill unfocused hitting my head depressed unmotivated can’t maintain momentum stay positive physically ill and no one will help me, I reported what was happening no one advised me on what to do until I called the FBI, police, and Judge Brown, and still no one had advised me on what to do, blocking doesn’t work nor does ignoring them. It’s not okay for them to ruin my life until I get suicidal or hurt me to see me negative hitting my head as though that justifies their treatment of me. I’m educated. I’m fortunate to be taken care of. And that $7000 was my edd government benefits, otherwise I’d have no money to give, and my Charles Schwab stock sold, because they told I had to give them money to be paid back then after giving money told no refund then what services were they making me pay for to someone who talked to me on the phone who’s not American. Reported all of you. You can’t put me in jail like I deserve it run your own investigations in life you are not my authority figure in life that I’m obligated to negotiate with speak to or be rejected by as though you have the power to torment me change my condition or bring about worse circumstances for me as though I’d walk myself into jail, I slammed my head into a wall and made a hole in the wall with my head, from hearing voices, I lived alone, wasn’t doing anything wrong, except have a pen pal, who sued me. Then if you guys feel entitled to $7000 and talk to me, then I’m not talking to anyone, like everyone thinks they deserve money from me like they’re helping me, putting me down in life making fun of me treating me like some needy, small minded, trouble maker, bringer of bad luck, stop hurting me, and stop trying to make things look like I’m guilty or the cause of gun violence and terrorism! #enough. Fix yourselves, fix your own life, and stop hurting me to bring out worse circumstances for me in life. When I’m gone I’m gone, until then I’m not committing suicide over any acceptances or rejections in life. I need no one romantic, all it poses is a risk, and subjects me to hate, like I have not equally invested heart into a relationship and wasted tine effort and energy working as hard as I could to make things go right for me in life without upsetting anyone or disappointing anyone, as soon as love is in the mix, is the minute I get defamed treated as an embarrassment then don’t hire me, don’t date me, AND DONT READ MY BLOG, if you can’t reply or talk to me, then you have no business knowing my business condition or current diagnosis. If it’s not about you it’s not about you don’t fight with me to create arguments like I write to attack the esteems of others, I need to uplift myself and in order to do so it’s important that I be balanced I don’t leave people out to dry in life and if love is lost that means I gave up opening up to someone, means I’m tired, hurt, and need to be alone to recharge. Everyone’s entitled to alone time.

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