abuse, blogging

Starting a New Life …

Give it day to think things over, and if you still don’t feel well welcome to the club, that would be the opposite of improvement, to be any type of let down in life, no matter what the issues are. Have you ever been bored in conversation that runs lacksidasical and hurts your head, Ive been there, it could just be someone not feeling well so don’t take it personally, its also not your job to figure out the cause for sickness, but if you are well, well that makes you more of the person to be held responsible for helping others to feel okay, and if that’s youre job in life then just don’t call yourself a mom yet. What happens is not something replayed, imagined, or planned, its based on right now what is suppressed (subconscious), then what your output looks like (not just your face and body shape which was never an issue), then my selections in life or choices were made to be about looks, I could care less what people look like, even myself that was never an issue or insecurity but maybe in photos if forced to take a second look it can be something that causes you mental illness to not stay the same or change, and that’s doesn’t mean your guilty or look like who has harmed you either Im sure there are better ways of thinking about life and others than by power, faces, and body types, that’s not the solution. You don’t get many chances to start your life over (and here I will start writing whats missing a kick in the right direction out of a depressed state in which there is no forming of a logical or helpful discussion but sounds scatter brained and is not leading up to a point of intelligence). <pause> What makes one unique, well first off it will be by how you carry yourself, and secondly it will be by what you pick up in life, call that fun, you could just be being made fun of in your face, because anyone thinks its cool story to make fun of in life, like you have anything to fear. Then theres the next kick, what is connected and governing your own understandings, then theres the down, by this fact this is what is seen by this thinking this is how you feel, and that’s when life starts to get complicated, and that’s when you start to sound negative. It doesn’t matter what things are about past the point of you not feeling well, then that then becomes what matters to you, what are your cares, what is your identity, what do you relate to and where is your intelligence coming from, and what is it a matter of output that any input should be declared as defective including your own, it would be the battle of smarts, who is entitled to feeling good and who is not entitled to feeling good, then theres a name, then there is you, then this is about this and this is not about you, then this is coming form you, this is an edit, this is when you look funny, this is when you are smart, and now this is what I feel like in pain. That’s the kick, and the inability to move forward, not having a good day, and the writing not resolving what bothering me, then there is opportunity, now there is me not feeling well, then there is a side, then it’s the side not taken my own, then there is team building by those who think Im talking about them, then there is me, then there is teaming up, then there is a disposition, someone not feeling good, now what is she thinking where is she going what does she look like what is wearing what does her face look like whos picture connected then demonstrates that she is connected then say that she is the bad connection based upon who is connected to her then say that her face or her body comes from a connection to her made. What does someone sound like not feeling well, it will be something not worth hearing, something not worth writing, something not worth describing, and that’s not the reader becoming me or one step ahead and then treat me as less identified or jealous of someone who is reading my work and feels like me, say that there is a competition between someone well or not well, and that’s never been my relationship to men or woman, or ever thinking to do anything on a mass scale, to make a mass issue, to be a massive person, with a massive goal, I just wanted a job, and if a job does not happen to you, there must be a massive mistake on your massive resume, or a massive hole in you wall, by a massive lawsuit, and if you don’t stay well, then those will be the massive mistakes, that cause a massive pain, and then it gets abusive, for everything you don’t say as a writer it later comes out and becomes the missing word and all the other words lead up to the word that not said, and sometimes that makes sense and sometimes that becomes a waste of time, then once it all leads up and a word is said, then there a reaction in you, is that something that needs to be said and how do you feel when you say that then what do these letters and words connect to or sound like, is there empathy, is there mental illness, is there an identity, is there popularity, is there drug use, is there drinking, what are her grades, who does she know what is causing her to be stupid, is that a treatment, has she been hurt why is she not well, who does she know and then when or if it happens say it happened then and is happening now to say that she got a job at the DA’s Office in Boulder (2006), and could not finish training because of addiction, so when she got a job for a famous name, and she got voices, we can say that she is in addiction, then make her blog, when she has mental illness voices, and when her head hurts then say she is connected to Dre (Eminem minus ALL schools and all Letters and all Names), and then change her company direction so that she feels like Kate Spade, then see if her head hurts, or if she gets suicidal, then we can say that we are smart and we punished her, and then if we can say when she talked to UCLA, that was because she thought this, then this is why UCLA does not like her and thinks she is mentally ill, then we can say that this school thinks shes mentally ill too, then we can say that she is mentally ill, or not professional, then we will take this down, then say that her face and words are hurtful to herself or someone who thinks that change is a good thing its to not mean guilt or its for the purposes of causing a creation of a feeling to describe a past to say that the feelings of a 35 year old and the version of yourself at age 22 or 17 mean the same thing an energy that is (gay or needs to be corrected or put out or manufactured to be developed by sexual activity realized potential) … means guilt, and if youre not important nothing works out for you in life, why I blog. And that’s my kick. Which leaves what? A pain, a frustration, and if you have been hurt that many times, then you get physical illness, in the head, ansd when you think you are sick, and if anyone tried to convince you you are sick, then you don’t have friends, you don’t get love, you cant work jobs, then what is all the panic about if that was the point of hurting someone, that doesn’t make them strong, that just causes a loss of opportunity, and then all the jokes work this way then all the jokes work that way and now shes tired, and what does she have why is she sick, what will make her feel good, who cares, who is watching, why is she sounding stupid, that’s mental health, there will not be a point, you cant get to a point, you don’t feel good, you cant explain others, you don’t feel like yourself, you don’t know why youre not feeling well, no one can help you, going to the hospital already happened, and does not need to happen and if life is happening in that way now, that doesn’t mean that life was happening in that way then, then who is upset who is right who is wrong who loved who and who rejected who. Obviously I don’t move on, obviously my life is a laughing matter, obviously Im not strong if Im being insulted, obviously stupid things happen to me because Im nice to everyone, and obviously its by what you have and what you look like and what words by charades come to mind looking at you that someone accept you or thinks youre stupid, and then tries to make everything about you, and cause everyone to treat you like youre not a good person, or something used up, dirty, or stupid, which is the female body, accepts all love, but underappreciated, its not me. Oh but everything feels so good when its all organized and neat and tidy, and then when everyones sees that to be okay with you, why keep up, because if its whats keeping you well, then no one else health should matter looking at you, so don’t ruin your own health, to make someone else right about you no matter what app that’s on, if youre not okay with something they will not be okay with you, and the fight continue, by this and that and that and that then you are not accepted you are declared the problem, then this is okay this is not, we think this, where do you think your clarity and smarts are coming from, don’t accuse me of being alcoholic or mentally ill or cheating, that’s not how I am those are not my cares Im monogamous, I cannot just jump around and go from here to there and 5 places in one day I don’t have energy for quickness. 

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