beingtoomuch, blogging, body image

Making Things About You …

Today I attended the #womensmarch in Beverly Hills, it was last minute, I just found out it was today, and read an article that said there was going to be a march from 2-4pm, then after leaving the gym, to pick up Mendocino Farms for my Mom, read the rest of the article, and found out that Gloria Allred was going to be a speaker. Initially I wasn’t going to attend, if you don’t feel like you can relate to an issue, its easy to not expose yourself to those who do care, and have been directly impacted by the issues, don’t wait until you have to declare who you support and why or what team your on, to re-establish boundaries when it comes to declaring what you are about or who you are associated to, whether to be respected or declared someone not of interest or trying to be of interest noticed, or credited for any outcomes in life, unrelated to you. You go through life, feeling important, and feeling heard, everyone nice to you, until you ultimately face some kind of rejection in life, and it could be that who you are is not factored into consideration when trying to understand what it is you wind up talking about upon opening up. Ive never been to therapy a day in my life, unless it was for addiction or alcohol, and only started therapy 2017, after a failed attempt supporting someone who was disinterested in me, you can be a fan, and mean nothing to someone who doesn’t need you, or who is not comforted by your support, that was a peculiar experience for me in life, to be going through something, that only presented itself upon sharing my life with another, through correspondence, I guess that’s how life works, it wont be clear what you are like or going through until you speak, and no not everyone needs to be listening. Having been hospitalized 9x I am no expert in why that happens to me, getting sick, experiencing psychosis, or attribute it to how I live my life, I think with a boyfriend the skies the limit, I think as a single woman without a job life will be a little different for you, everyone a little less interested in you, that’s stability, nothing that a man can provide for you, unless they are willing to think about and let into their life a woman, who they don’t suspect will make them look bad or make others think less of them, and that’s not what correspondence is for, its for trying to figure out what is wrong, and upon figuring out what is wrong through talking, work on those parts of yourself, help is momentary, it cant do the work for you, nor can anyone make you feel better, if you are not doing well in life, that’s not what correspondence is for, if anything its to monitor your progress, something that someone who isn’t you can see immediately not something that you can notice yourself at times, what you seem like, what the energy is like in a room full of people with you in it, are people shy, do you stand out, what is your purpose for being there, is anyone staring at you, are you approached, are you able to talk, are you social, what ideas so you have in mind that you would like to share with the world, or with someone, and do have a positive sense of self. For someone who went straight from college to paralegal school to law school, I never went out, I did not drink, I dated, and I did not work at any jobs other than jobs in a law firm, and had no tech experience, I think enthusiasm for learning something new is a great feeling, I don’t think that anyone goes out of your way to help you, that’s status and experience, either you speak the language of someone who makes a good impression on others, or you have more room to grow, to be someone considered fit to hold real conversations with people, about life, what you are doing in life, and share your cares of the world. So whats important, its important to not disappoint anyone, its also important to not need help from anyone, that’s a big lesson I learned in life, that no matter whats going on for me in life, if I need help I know who to talk to, not a friend, not someone random, not a stranger, and not a friend or romantic partner, that’s not who you talk to in the event that you need help or advice, that’s something you talk to a therapist about, not even your attorney, for every question I have ever had, upon speaking to my attorney he has recommended that I speak to my therapist, those are the kinds of questions I have in life, or the types of problems I experience not sure of myself or what others think, or how things are supposed to be. So how do you end up being treated as less than and why did I receive 96k monthly views last month, I think its something to do with what people think of you, upon reading your work, I don’t think that positive rapport can be achieved if at any point in your life, you were not comfortable talking to people, or ever not popular, or with experience socializing or dating, I think having those skills in life, makes for a good blogger, its not something you can learn and earn through writing everyday, that’s not how to become well adjusted, you either are to begin with, or you are out of your realm or scope of expertise, all social hierarchy questions aside, I may come from a very successful group of friends on Facebook, that doesn’t mean that I was ever not respected or supported during difficult times, mostly you have difficulty talking to friends or posting on Facebook when you are not doing well, that’s talking to people who know you, who can tell the difference between when you are doing well, and sound unlike yourself. I don’t think that going to law school was for proving anything about myself, as it turns out, it becomes a catalyst for passing negative judgement on you, and holding you to high expectations in life, instead everything you say gets judged as smart or unimpressive, that’s education, its not in attainment that you are judged, its after you have experienced a privilege in life judged as whether you are deserving of being well and sounding well. I wouldn’t call that jealously, not of me, or racism now with the #asianhate trending, or queer analogies held toward people who don’t date, assuming that if they love someone the basis for love is sexual in manner, it seems to be the recipe for getting F over in life, a cause for disdain or silent treatment, you know if you are someone who is not comfortable, or makes others uncomfortable, or single unattached, or needy, or like the wrong people in life, then sure you will be a little less respected, a little less loved, and little less important, to someone who respects someone who is more well known by the size of their friendship circles and bank accounts, its really not about weight and what you look like, its about how independent you are, and how far you can get in life, without help from anyone, which would be my career path, on my own, written by me, without editing, published by me, paid for by me, created by me, researched by me, all topics and conversations originally composed by me, and sometimes with citation, that’s how I am, not someone who needs someone to explain something to me, in order to see better, or have a better perspective on things, you know if they don’t need you, and have the energy and the confidence to achieve on their own, then they also should not need you for anything else, if your deficit is in energy, focus, and intelligence, that’s something that sex wont help you out with. When do you finally learn that you are judged by the relationships that you keep, maybe by the time you are 30, and you are a little less cute, a little less empathized with, and little less interesting, than someone who is new or who they don’t already know in life. That’s how you know if you like someone who is too good for you, or who will not be made to feel good by you, and that explains why lesser people are liked, or liked by strangers or taken advantage of on messenger, it seems that if I didn’t fit into a bracket socially, that the 96k monthly views represent the bracket of people who enjoy reading, and writing, and following blogs, something outside the scope of what generally you are judged for, whether you have a romantic partner, what your education is, do you have a job, and are you a paid worker, that’s where the debonair personality traits come from, having things in life, including posture.

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