blogging, self-love, wellness, womens issues

Be a Good Pen Pal …

Not all relationships end in love, just a few, so always keep that in mind when talking to people, easy on the loving part until it gets there, and if it doesn’t get to that point, well then maybe you were made to be friends. Growing up as someone with mostly platonic relationships with men. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends, this occurred in middle school, in high school, in college, and in law school, for some reason, maybe its just my personality, who is most comfortable talking to me or approaching me, and maybe it reflects who I am more comfortable with, not necessarily a sex preference issue, until later in life, that comes to mean something. To me being a good pen pal, means that you have things to talk about that another is willing to respond or reply to, that’s key, whenever you are building a talking relationship with someone that they are comfortable responding and have something to say. You know when things are not going well, when you have something to say and you are not replied to. Another good sign of being a good pen pal, is that they are willing to pick up the phone when you call, that means that you aren’t someone who is being avoided, which can occur for any number of reasons, maybe you are being too much, maybe you are asking for too much, maybe what you have to share is not something that someone is prepared to respond to, and maybe some time needs to pass in order for you to prove yourself, like in most cases when someone is deciding on whether to have a relationship with you, or whether they are too busy and not interested in more than just sex with you. How does a relationship start? Most relationships start with talking and sharing pictures, Im talking in the year 2019 to 2021, when I started dating again, men are very visual, and usually they will want to see a picture of you, a few good photos before they are willing to meet with you, as they should do the same. It depends on what you are looking for, ultimately you will have to set the limits on what you are ready for, most people don’t have sex on the first date, and I am someone who does not encourage sex on the first date, it usually means that a relationship wont last, if that is the first thing that occurs between you two, it doesnt really set a good standard moving forward, if they haven’t committed to you in a loving way, you kind of remove the incentive for getting to know what they are like when they actually want something, love (we’ll call it love we all know what we means: sex). So when do things fall by the wayside, I think past a person getting what they want from you whether that’s pictures or sex, pay attention to their personality, are they still loving, are they being demanding, are they being jealous, are they being accusatory, are they being patient, Ive noticed especially during COVID for people to be possessive and assume the worst, maybe its just the times, but Ive had a few failed relationships before this new pen pal ship with #DASpitzer, who I have been talking to since May 2021, its been 6 months of improving, so it finally got to a positive phase with flirting, but that took some time. Be in a good place in life, I think when youre in a good place in life you make smarter decisions for you and for the person whos attentions you don’t mind, and like us all, we generally want to keep things going and stay afloat, its hard to feel that gravitational pull between you and your partner, or who you admire, when you are not doing well, it can feel like everyone is floating away from you, or feel like you cant get a hold of something you love, and hold it close to your heart, that could just mean that things are not working out, not working in your favor, or you are not in a place in life, where you feel loved, and instead you might wind up feeling attacked, Im a woman, so this could be different for others in loving relationships, where more or less is expected of you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, when youre ready to put the time, energy, and effort into something that you believe in, that’s key “something you believe in,” then things will work out based upon the time energy and effort you put into building a relationship with that person, no matter what the boundaries are, some relationships require more effort, depending on how close you have grown to the person over the years, seeing them, or whether this is someone who you eventually want a long term commitment from, that all depends on your own self-worth. What is self-worth? According to psychologytoday.com, “Self-worth refers to the value you attribute to yourself as a person, across situations, and independent of what others think. In other words, it comes from within.” [1] I used to think that because I gained weight, that dating would be more difficult, but as it turns out, men have picked me, or been interested in me even after knowing that I have gained some weight, I guess they don’t care as much about how that happened, you may wear your scars on your sleeve, but it might not be clear what those scars are to them, all they see is a pretty face, or someone who is willing to have sex with them, and that much they wont deny attentions from you, willing to court you through the process of getting well yourself, you’d be surprised at how many men will be there for you at your low points in life, Ive never been single long enough to not recall a time, when I had nothing, or was at rock bottom, and wasn’t in contact with some guy somewhere who wanted to see me, even though my world was upside down, my conversational skills weak, in between jobs, with a new job, or unemployed, reaching out to me, checking on me, to see how I was doing, it’s a great idea to improve, whats also important to keep track of is the enthusiasm for the old you, the person they knew you as, not this new person, with all these diagnoses, a recluse, keeping to themselves in life, so stay hopeful. I know the times are limited, so here is where you get to be creative in how you spend your time with others, I know some people are more experienced with zoom, facetime, and messenger than most, that doesn’t mean that its too late to learn how to build relationships online, and lasting ones at that. Remember one thing, “In the search for a partner, there is no such thing as perfect. So stop looking for it. As cliché as it may sound, our “flaws” are what make us beautiful.” [2] -Its never the plan to fall in love with someone who is married, just make sure that you know that from the start, you wont know your limits, until your limits define you, and we don’t need to continue to attract things in life, based upon our coordinates, and be judged as someone who takes love away, if you are someone who has lost love twice, then you know how damaging it can be, and the toll that it takes on your progress, it took me 10 years after a breakup in law school to feel good about myself again, and did so through blogging, and finally take pictures that Im proud to show others, that’s self-love, that doesn’t happen by staying at home, and counting the sheep, it occurred by putting myself out there, facing rejections, thrown in the midst of competition over faces and bodies of other popular bloggers online, and be liked as one in the same as them, and that took a lot of guts on my part, never the prettiest, and never the thinnest, thank god the standards have changed, had they not changed I don’t think I would have found myself so approachable online, or relied upon for advice and feedback when it comes to navigating through your 20s and 30s, Im sure we are all trying to be successful at this point in time, whether or not we have someone by our side. Im sure most of us are single within limits, so if you’re the casual dater (keep your head up), if you’re the romance addict (keep your hopes high), and if you’re the shy prude (one day it will happen). 

Reference:

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201902/maintaining-confidence-throughout-the-dating-process

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201902/maintaining-confidence-throughout-the-dating-process

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https://muckrack.com/leslie-fischman

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