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Staying Focused …

Staying focused has not been easy, this Fall was a change of pace for me, beginning with applying for jobs over summer and finally found placement at “Peace Over Violence,” I was waiting to get stable to apply, and then there is always the new problem of being able to perform, which started when disability hit, a new diagnosis, or starting anti-psychotics, which make you tired (which makes you seem lazy) and you don’t get as much done, not to mention the weight gain, I gained 50 lbs back actually when I started taking a shot for bipolar, which is voices for me, and later learned in IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) which is group therapy for people with mental health issues who either have or have not been hospitalized, put on holds, which is when the hospital keeps you for two weeks and medicates you for your condition, which in the past has started by feeling tired, not performing, which I could tell as a student, either difficulty reading, meeting deadlines, or studying for exams, not retaining the information, or reading outlining doing all the work and then feeling a lot of anxiety before finals and not believing in myself, which is why procrastination is terrible if you have learning disability, its hard to learn under pressure, its something that you have to be prepared for, to perform under pressure, for me its in reading books and studying, that I am able to achieve a quiet space to think in, be creative in, or have the free time to go the extra mile, even my canva cards have improved, that’s disability the work ethic will not be at where you are used to, either you don’t feel as motivated, or you are feeling lethargic, and that for me is an obvious cue that something is wrong, if I am feeling tired or unmotivated, to do anything, especially something that I love, learning, that’s where I shined in school it was something that I was good at, and it was a place for me to focus, and then you have to work, which presents new lessons in life, working around others, getting to know people in the work force, taking on responsibilities, and then if you are lucky hopefully one day find a place to finally settle down and just work, and not have to worry about the next year, and take it day by day, and maybe that’s why I made a job for myself working online, its not out of hyper, or a need, or a demand, its about having something to do each day, and that’s a typical life force for someone who has in the past faced difficulty elsewhere staying focused and balanced, if you cant stay well being around others, then that’s a cause for separation generally, its hard for people to be around you when you are not stable or calm or balanced, and you have to take into consideration that everyone is driven motivated and trying to accomplish goals to in life, and they may not have time for things that youre not so sure about it, whether that be a case, a controversy, your own diagnosis, the meds you take, why you take the meds you take, what happened in your life that was the reason why you have to take certain meds, its like a functioning addict, you wont know whats really wrong or any underlying causes, so long as you are able, and then some of us face disability or (mental health issues) some of which require meds, such as myself, and its in IOP as I mentioned earlier that you are introduced to the concept of your thinking being wrong, you would never think as someone who worked hard to get into law school and be a law student to grapple with the fact that your diagnosis or meds means that youre thinking is wrong a symptom of mental health issues, whatever that may be, so that doesn’t mean that your thinking or the thinking of others is what causes your mental health issues, its at a lowered threshold of being on top of things that things start to fall by the wayside, much like any other debilitating disease, youre not as sharp, you underperform, and regular tasks may be more difficult for you, not to mention people problems if you are so blessed to be faced with people in argument with you, which is not what I think going to law school was for, for me it was being able to see things well, communicate well what I can understand and see, and in writing help who is grading me or reading my work to be able to decipher and tell that I understand am paying attention notice, and able to put together he words to demonstrate that I can identify an issue, Ive studied I remember whats important and Im able to apply what I have learned in the correct way upon reading something new that Im not familiar with, such as a fact pattern in law school. Going to law school doesn’t mean that Im smart, it means that I did the work to get in and upon getting in did the work to get the grades to finish the courses and then graduate, it doesn’t therefore matter what is the topic that I studied, all that mattered to me was that I applied myself, and got the work done, no matter how long it took me to finish, work, and graduate which is all for the purposes of working and getting a job, not having planned to work for myself one day which is still an option, not the pressure, only to money fact about life that you have to earn money in order to provide for yourself, and if you cant make money doing what you are doing then you have to work for someone else who has money to then pay you or compensate you for the work that you are trusted to do for them. Then there is the whole who represents who factor, which I think maintaining a public profile is helpful for others to witness and assess where I am mentally in order for them to make a decision based upon their requirements where they see me in terms of what I have come to know, appreciate, and understand about life, how I am helping others, how capable I am in being able to help others, as well as become knowledgeable of set backs, what as occurring during that time in my life, what failure looked like for me, as well have the vision as well as myself to forecast what success will look for me one day, which to me will be to finally earn a paycheck, and work in a setting in which I do well, others are happy for me, I can help others, and if I didn’t have disability would try to help create jobs for others, if I am able to create a job for myself, that was always a potential, but you wont realize your potential, if you don’t continue learning, the ideas wont hit the fan, and the fans wont turn the idea machine on to hit you in the face with everything you need to know in order to earn a paycheck, and teach back solutions for others to do the same, whether that’s online, through blogging, modeling, Instagram, or whatever my interests are and people I support, that doesn’t mean that I am an expert in what they do either for a living, there has to be some mutual respect in order for people to work around eachother and not bother one another which is why community guidelines are so important for social media, and with mental health issues, I get how applying for award was a post complained about, maybe people don’t want me to over promote myself, or get sick being too big online, without having all the fundamentals down, I have always set continuing education goals. Right now they are:

  1. Work on a life coach certificate.
  2. Perform well at my new internship (had a good day of work this week) working as needed 3 days a week, with one day in the office, privileged to work from home learn. Its important to be trained, and lucky to be trusted to work in an office with attorneys who are willing to set aside time to train me, or have me shadow and learn. 
  3. Finish CITI course certificates (which are tutorials, I learned at CU, qualify to write research papers) standard, so based on your interests, get certified, apply for approval.
  4. Study Masterclass when I have time, keep up, learn from professionals.
  5. Improve my writing, whether that’s disciplined, effort, or take a course if I can. I once applied and was going to take a Penguin book writing course, & learn how to write a novel, which is a much different project than an autobiography, requires training. 

On a personal level, what Im getting better at: Continuing to familiarize with the justice system and legal system whether that’s asking questions, talking to police, writing reports, not by choice, its more about me staying out of trouble, and not running into problems with people, like I let things go, or am focused on people or reading into things critically, its if I don’t feel well, that’s either an issue that I have to deal with on my own or its about me being hurt, unjustified. What I am new to, and working on preventing: Then there is talking to people, keeping my distance, not getting to close to people, not look for romantic relationships in life, meet who I meet, be happy where I am at in life. I think as someone who falls in love easily, admires others, I have learned later in life, comes across as delusional, or hopeful in a way that’s not wanted, people generally don’t want you to think about them, if they are not interested in you romantically, and I get that the more experience you have in life socializing, you get the hang of what all that connection or disconnect is about and how to approach others, or have conversations with people and not get too attached, I think life gets shorter the older you get and the more careful you become, about how things look, or how others look, I think in your younger years, you have some leeway for mistakes, and maybe the pressure of being older is that you have to be more careful about whats permanent about you, whether that’s an image, a writing, opinions change, people don’t, so once you lose that interests as a blogger, hopefully things don’t build in a negative way toward you, Im sure that’s not what anyone intended by community guidelines, to complain to alert then for there to be an expectation of me being a certain way, or treating me as though my life is not real or for show, everything is real, everything is permanent, and everything has consequences, and like everyone I take my life seriously and I don’t have time to waste, and if I am doing something in life its because I think that what I am doing is keeping me well, its important to me, and I don’t face conflict doing what I am doing that is keeping me well, such as writing, for everything else there will always be controversy and sickness, and maybe that’s love for me at this point in life. I never expected that you could love someone, and get sick because of who you love, for that not to be an accepted part of your life, or personality trait, loving, supportive, flirtatious, or energetic about a person, I don’t think its like that with everyone, and Im sure that theres a rhyme and a reason, to personal effects in life. 

Why such as long blog post … I think its been a few months since I have been able to talk in depth about my progress and on a serious note, without mental health issues affecting “my thinking,” be able to speak without speaking to specifics which occurs on occasion, not news related, but sometimes, if something comes to mind, whether or not I am personally affected. I wanted to write this blog post about overcoming disability, and as much as failure paints a different picture of you, its by what you do right in life that things start to go right for you, just like suddenly bringing up a hashtag ongoing #stopasianhate, whatever it means to bring up race into discussion, Im sure that aggravates someone who prefers to view me as someone who is unaffected, I am only affected in terms of how it affects others then judged on the basis of whether bringing that up then affects me, to me its upon mention that someone begins to analyze you and assess you in that way its almost like telling someone not to be cool with you because people are not cool with you, so until that becomes a problem probably best not to mention otherwise it gives permission for someone to think that way about you, then treat you as though that’s directions from others in how to treat you or speak to you like that’s your problem, whatever the problem is upon stating it its bound to gear discussion even if that means talking about you, whether you seem like that’s an issue to you, based upon what I look like Im sure people think that maybe that’s not an issue, or think that maybe it is an issue based upon my insecurities whether I see myself as pretty or not, I see myself as healthy or not, I don’t really consider race as a deficit, I have always viewed that as a privilege, you are brought into this world, and you are given a body, and that’s enough of a gift in life, to be privileged to be alive and given a life you get to live and make the most of, not to mention all the beautiful things in life you get to experience before you “have problems” or mental health issues that interfere with our ability to live life whether that’s being able to wake up in the morning, get out of bed, start your day, not be sleepy, not fall back asleep, not nap, be able to sleep at night, be able to stay asleep, not wake up in the middle of the night, if you wake up be able to fall back asleep, then there are meds, then there is weight gain and diet, can you stay fit, what is motivating you, when do you get tired, what do you have the energy for, whats too much, when do you lose motivation, what meds do you need, what meds are provided, whats the issue, whats in the news, whats your condition, what makes people feel better, when are you successful, when are you strong, when are you sick, when are you fat, when are you skinny, when are you single, when do you take photos, when are you social, when are you loving, when are you enjoying life, who approves of you, who does not approve of you, whats the issue, what do you sound like, how motivated are you, whos supporting you, whos not supporting you, are you getting paid, do you have money, do you not have money, what is causing you to not be able to work, what will help you work, what is it about you that makes others proud whats not impressive: writing. Writing doesn’t seem to impress people, money does, so unless you are making money you are not considered a responsible adult, a human being capable of being connected to who is not provided for who is viewed as someone who is provided for who is disabled by choice or who is underperforming because of something they have done wrong, to make people not feel sorry for you, like your health is in your control, and that’s not true of someone with mental health issues, its not a choice, and sickness is not caused by bad choices or people (not by romance, sex, breakup, or schooling), but once you get diagnosed that all comes into the picture when analyzing when you were well and when you were sick, and what you looked like when people thought you were sick, and when you were well why people thought you were sick, again, weight loss is not an accomplishment, that’s not what will make people proud of you, but getting a job will, and getting paid will, shows that you deserve to be supported its by what trust you are given in life that people respect you and if you cannot be paid in life, that’s shows that you cannot be trusted, and that is why people do not respect you, because they think that if you are not given money that the quality of your work ethic, or person you are, is not capable of being consistent to be allowed to work in an environment around other people, so its by what you complain about in life that you are either granted privileges in life or lose privileges, if you complain, then you don’t get a job, if you are not happy then you don’t get love, if you are not making money, they you are not at ease, if you don’t have a job, then you are under pressure, if you have mental health issues, then you are not confident, if you get in trouble then you are not respected, if you go to law school then you are expected to be fully abled and tough, and if someone fights you they expect you to fight and be fully abled and if you have mental health issues they think that that means that you will sound mentally ill, or angry, or be disorganized, and think that youre mental health has to do with how other people treat you, honestly I don’t notice, but recently its something I worry about. Its whatever is though of you is the issue that gets drilled home to you, whether that’s through rejection, suffering, loss of support, not everyone will be cool with you in life, they wont understand whats positive about you, they wont know whats to like about you, they wont know where you have improved or whats of value to you in your life, everyones about themselves and you learn this the hard way that lifes a popularity contest that begins and ends with how you make other people feel, which is why on a sexual basis it becomes time consuming whether that’s a reputational risk that you are willing to take, to look stupid, and not unless you are comfortable with yourself, are you willing to love others without expectation, no one can take care of you in life, no one makes enough money to be able to take care of people anymore, everyone is expected to work, which is why its so important that if you are able to work that you don’t get sick, in drugs, or dating, its so not worth it, just stay well! #stopsuicide

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