So what I learned in a residential treatment program instead of going to the hospital, was that with my first diagnosis of schizophrenia based on the fact that I disclosed that I get “voices,” I was treated for 3 weeks, that’s asleep all day in groups, not social, smoking, eating meals bought from the grocery store, introduced to journaling and meditation as a form of guided mental listening to music that is intended to clear your mind of your thinking, as well as practice with social skills playing the game totika, which I enjoyed, getting to know others, talk and not in a way where either has to approach the other, and hear from the director who became a crush simply for that fact that he accepted me, able to look at me, accepted me into his program, was treated by a psychiatrist there, medications administrated daily, like they are at home since 2018, monitored, and that’s not just overcoming addiction and trust issues, that’s for stability, I learned that when given meds to take as needed combined with having problems in life you can get used to self medicating with anti-psychotics which I took in the daytime, coming out of getting in trouble, humiliation, embarrassment, and working hard on something that was interpreted to be mental illness, not helpful or quality work worth submitting a team of people you think that were identified at the time as having the skills and identity if focused upon would lend insight to help motivate people, which is a new identiy, that is not share or heavily publicized, because they are victims, and that’s not to share based on their comfort not wanting to be accompanying a high risk campaign with an issue conflicting or related that is traumatizing to hear about or not strong enough willing to lend a name in that way on Twitter or by photo support, so its upon a new relationship which is judged to be the culprit of things becoming difficult for you that you are separated from a situation you want to work out, and encouraged that there will be other opportunities, just because you like the location and the office situation, your own office, and the quality of employees present who all do their own things and lots of work to do on your own, doesn’t mean that the office with machines the type of office you wanted that’s like the government office with high speed copy machines and mailing stations and court deliveries, and high profile clientele, and properties was not a place you valued to be, a place with file folders, and managing many cases and properties, with many employees and told that there was an office party yearly with adult guests an experience you have never had, never going clubbing as an adult, having work parties, or after work drinks, or a social life, because you went to law school and had to focus that’s not a personal dilemma past its either you are focusing on what you can manage and will get back to a social life once you get going, or things can become complicated along the way, I never planned to be anti-social blogging isolated with mental health issues talking about voices, but if you end up alone and get into fights with exes, and suffer difficulty mentally having things not be your fault that things are not working out for you, don’t allow other people in addiction to you not feeling good not happy with your progress or dumbfounded with your struggles in life, be bombarded with accusations that you are letting others down upon thinking about whats going wrong for you in life and whether to go back to law school, I went out a few times Spring 2013, and a few times in Fall 2013 with a boyfriend, so nothing crazy happened to me, until I relapsed on cocaine and that triggered a paranoid mental health issue, and then the relationship didn’t work out because then I became needy, and my experimental addiction on Twitter learning blogging which I was not able to do fashion blogging, became a writer blogger instead which didn’t exist at the time, there were only bloggers in England who had professional cards, which we did not have the privilege of having access to in the States yet. -I started a page on Facebook #mynews, this was for a project for a political organization of experienced campaigners who I had the privilege of working around and also could ask for help if I am a member of another organization how to help them, so made calls to get the party the party that the organization supported so that the organization could be supported by the party for the laws pitched to pass, so that was something I thought of, and maybe that’s not a big deal or a lot of work, but you learn in simple ways, how to help, maybe even if its not in a major way, in the time it takes you to show that you care, you actually get more done taking advice then trying to manage a situation on your own, so why Im bringing up the #mynews page is that it allowed me to watch the news then share what I thought of key changes I notice comment, I think you have to be in a good place to comment, I think not doing well anything seems not smart or obnoxious and if there is assumption of guilt or ineffectiveness, then it will seem like you are getting sick doing something that’s not helpful, or what you have done did not do anything, so you don’t want to be that person either, saying that you did this to make this happen and this happened, which is the same system for blame in terms of what you have to say, your identity being helpful or not helpful, how well known, whats picking up, catching on, or being communicated not through you notifed of, being read by another, you think is a situation where others are acting in response to either your condition, your story, or where you are at now worse or beter, based on what you have to share, all stress, and all prosecution, all losses, all punishment, and all failure, and all hospitalization is painful, if I could be an attorney and get a JD I would’ve stayed well because I was not getting good grades could not manage everything I punished myself and stopped dating, drank, went out into the world, explored, and tried to help everyone, this was before messenger, and it is scary, when last time everyone was introduced to new technology I got sick 2009, so nothing that is occurring in a historical footprint is the cause for a persons mental health issues, so when you tell your story, that’s something that becomes a fact in place, that’s not a justification or rationalization or understanding suicide, suicide is WRONG, Ive NEVER been suicidal, Ive never been unfortunate, Ive never been discriminated, Ive never been hurt, Ive been through addiction and rehab and recovery and struggled academically, Ive never been bullied, Ive never had a problem that stuck for 10 years and then had to explain it again, like what I said didn’t stick or doesn’t matter, and I don’t have to share my story like anything is happening to me that is affecting the business decisions of others as though its yet to the extent of whos fault is what, and if it’s a medical issue, then its no ones fault, that’s the bottom line, so while it may be intriguing to study suicide, Im glad I didn’t die, Im happy I tried to connect, Im sad that I was not feeling well, Im sad that I behaved weirdly in response to others, Im upset that I became dramatic, I was at peace, Im sad that I lost all my friends, Im sad that I dedicated years of my life to the study of law and missed all family events and dinners and barely had time to see anyone studying, Im sad that I was in a peaceful relationship that became difficult when I started working and was not well, and Im sad that I hooked up in law school and that I suffered academically as a result of not feeling confident or becoming quiet no one knows why that happens to you and as a woman you never suspect that it has anything to do with anyone, since when are we taught that when you don’t feel well, and are doing well and feel pressure that being needy or needing reassurances in annoying or not worth supporting and since when is Evidence 1 final used as proof for your knives in your house, or what is in your apartment, or all the things of value saved by you living alone in a secured apartment complex, including your Bat-Mitzvah tape and your 4th Birthday, and all your diaries, and all your clothes, and all your files and boxes of all your papers, and things important to you, since when is that a reason, to look at someone like because of who they are or where they have worked that they have some confidence, that they think is supported by sex, I think if men like you, if you a judged to be strong mentally by sex, they think that your confidence is because you have had boyfriends, no I think if you have friends and date, that makes you an independent person, not by who you date, or what they look like, or what you remember or talk about, everyone has different growing curves, so I don’t know why I got sick. And I was not yet a “failed” law student in public to designate me as a crisis causing agent for a lack of coordination in terms of combined effort for input and attentions public out side of law school for what is important, I think what affects you is what you have recent work experience with which has nothing to do with my life or my best friends life, Im not trying to make my ssotry strategic or beautiful my life was beautiful and now its limited to making me look like I take my life for granted or need to lose everything in order to be situated to think about life, as though I have not worked hard deserve to have a job even if I don’t get to be social, have fancy friends, a fancy boyfriend, a fancy office, a fancy car, nail polish, shoes, or designer blog, or a book that makes a million dollars and changes lives, and if that’s a offensive then you don’t know what its like on 20 mg of adderrall to be treated a drug addict because you are not prescribed abilify and working with a job and in law school then suffer heat as though you are not working hard enough or there being something wrong with the job that you take, I think pride is moving forward taking too long to do something such as law school which you are good at, if its something about you, you will know when its about you, when things get worse, that’s how you get confirmations of things being about you, in the form of being ignored, so that’s to make you not feel good, and not feel supported, and if you are being treated as mentally ill its not coming from my eyes, my body, or mouth, any secret communications that are not cool or paranoid, I was completely free of pressure up until recently when things start going wrong and there are stabbings, and breakups, and shootings, and riots, and robberies, yeah that becomes my problem if my identity is not useful in creating an impression of things going well and being used to say that Im not smart or being made fun of on the basis of who I am not, then say that the quality of my work effort and talent is subliminal, there are no subliminal innuendos of things being out of control on my end, its not until you get sick, that if you are not well around others, that’s then stable, and you not stable, and that’s something that people cant help you with who are only well when things are going well for you and not accustomed to helping someone when things are not well, based on how big they think your head is that’s how precious their time is and how insulted any group becomes like you enter a life change it or not worth being known like your memory is permanent, I think that someone who thinks that Im too much, in their mind think my condition is too much based upon me not being able to function having to move home, and its upon not being able, that you don’t make a impression, cant move on, feel stuck, and everything feels slow, so explore within reason, learn the hard way if you have to, say that you want no part in being made fun of if its to blame me for things happening like its in conjunction with my words face or identity, I think whats not in conjunction is me not being at ease, and maybe that’s something that people have to accept about someone who has been through a lot and has to worry about what others think, so that quote that you find insulting is to say I write oblivious, no I ran everyday in public for 5 years lost 50 lbs and keep to myself that’s being aware that people matter, so to treat me like I don’t matter is because you don’t believe in my blog mattering to me, and you think that I can just work do well, function, marry have a kid, like that wasn’t a dream, and its not until you state how you are being affected mismanaged and attacked to make you seem apart of whats not going right that your freedoms get put in jeopardy, and that’s why I stay home and will probably work from home for the rest of my life and was a huge deal I joined a gym that means Im not scared of people anymore and was positive, but as faith will have it its by fighting that separates the strong from the weak that must be an ancient strategy for torture over whos thinking what whats whos responsibility and what the issue is and who is sick and why, when things are good they are good, when things are not good, its like people don’t know you never did. And that’s the sad part that if you get sick, you don’t talk about life now after punishment, like it was that way past, that only creates animosity toward you in the form of new people in support of people past then excluding you as though you are combative I think the fighting just started, after stabbings, shootings, riots, jobs, memberships, and google photos, I did my best for 10 years to manage my life stay away from people participate keep my mental health issues to myself take meds as directed, so yes that is SCARY for me, and yes it is INSULTING, to be treated like Im mentally ill, whats mentally ill is for me not to be chill when there is CRIME that Im not down to hook up or emotionally available for romance, and that when who likes me is doing well Im not doing well for some reason, and that I will never understand why I don’t connect well with others when Im not doing well, and for things not to feel possible anymore and to not have the energy to make the effort or for things to happen making the right choices choosing who to date or like, and I think that’s how people get lost when they don’t have an instinct for what is going right and in their heart strong, so that’s going back to someone who has hurt your feelings and then being made to seem like you affected them when you got sick and they went on to live a better life and got to date cooler people than you, that’s not a power that they lost, that’s a system of respect that I failed in upon story about to be viewed similarly as well, based on what I have or who is with who, its not a name or race that makes you important, its by how well you are, and when things are not good whether you make anyone feel bad or not feel good about whats funny to them, and that’s the issue with being made fun of and not caring I always assume the best in others, so if it doesn’t bother me I not its not inlaid with wording and directions specific to cause a negative result and no successful company is built with a populating theme, that builds on an idea of things not going well, what goes well an idea that builds for others is something that makes people feel good it doesn’t have to have an exact inspiration or be connected to factual identities or situations that are supposed to be viewed as affecting or heckled for opinion its when you become insulted that you get viewed as not being happy for or proud of whats going well with or without you and that’s not recognizing success or not being apart of it which is make you seem alienated to the interests of others, whether that’s a common theme, for a big destructive plot built inside a person that doesn’t work out that then causes mental disturbance that doesn’t affect anyone because that’s assumed to be the issue one stands tall because of who one knows, not viewed as being where they worked hard to be, in law school, that was the dream job.
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