advocacy, affirmations, blogging

Tell Us Some Good News …

Well today didn’t go well, anytime I stay up late too many nights, or get off my morning schedule and don’t wake up early, my days get shorter and it feels like Im accomplishing less per day, only able to do one thing, like work, or run, or blog, or clean my room, the best days are when you are able to accomplish more than one thing in a day, and those rare mornings youre wide awake at 5am and attempt to go to the gym with the early birds. Just weighed in Im 182 lbs, I was 195 lbs, and lost 13 lbs total so far, just started walking more each month, this month add more days for sure. Should probably check in the mirror to see whether its an Excalibur day (argumentative and short), Ursula day (everythings too much and everyone wants to be away from you), or Cinderella day (rare moments when you can pretend to be that positive and motivational version of yourself that only shows up in school assignments and detailed outlines), unfortunately my regular self everyday look (Im more tired than I look and if my makeup is not on properly, I look like an addict tomboyish and questionably not happy on the inside). Anyways, this is my third week of work, and just took my first day off, couldn’t get myself to walk into work, too much going on in my phone posting online on Instagram and on my blogs, and iPhone notes, seems like wherever you focus your attentions in life you get stuck, at least it is that way for me, working on something until things get better, there are other feelings in life to achieve other than satisfaction with your own work product while talking to others, dont give up in the process, writing takes strength it turns out brief but there is something always more to be said, that is worth sticking around for if youre ever dissatisfied with any explanation I have to offer for my mental health issues, or how they happened. -Whatever timezone youre in stick to the times of days youre most comfortable in, I used to be up at night and switched my schedule 2017 and started going to bed at 8pm. Now looking back, I can see how avoidant I was, and anti-social, meaning keeping to myself and not maintaining friendships and waiting to talk to everyone again until things got better for me in life, lost weight, got a job, dating, those were usually the times I was able to get back in touch with friends upon getting a new, or dating someone new, something to talk about. Other than that, I never grew up with obvious mental health issues, everyone pretty much managed themselves and still maintained friendships, I was the only one who went through a rough period and stopped talking to everyone, I probably changed my phone number too many times paranoid, so didn’t get any text messages from the people who check on me sometimes from near and far. Being up at night, is a privilege, but you have to maintain a healthy lifestyle to be up at night, and be so privileged to get to sleep in or nap in the daytime, we can’t all be on school schedules, in class 3 hours a day, and studying 3 hours a day, and working 4-5 hours a day, that was how things were, to me that was a jam packed schedule work part time and school and dating, I was fulfilled in life. Never did I ever think that things would fall apart for me academically, school was always my strength, not the relationships and attachments, I never really set goals for myself in terms of type, and career in a partner, I guess I never judged them for how far along in life they ever were, just shows how long ago I dated and when I stopped dating, in my late 20s. Im assuming I missed a lot, everyone found matches and got married and is now with children, so how I wish I found a life partner in life, but can settle for great friends in ex-boyfriends, I think that brings a level of stability to my life, to still be considered one of them a keeper, well at least then to them. Saying your fears outloud is very time consuming to explain to others what you went through mentally, to me that’s mental health issues, things that are not actually happening to you in life or things that are happening but not directly impacting your life, or made to talk about the past, as though you have remembered things differently in the negative, that just means you had a bad experience when you go back to a period in time and what you have to say is not in the positive, otherwise you should love your life and have fun sharing stories from your life, that’s what makes most of us loveable is to have had lives, and have stories to share, that shows character, and everyones always curious to know what you were like, hear reviews, and make judgment calls for themselves. Recently my mental health issues have me explaining things Ive never said in words or put down on paper, and should probably take more time to explain how affected or impacted and how that affected my decisions to help others, or the way in which I decided to go about helping others privately, and not in a public way ask for help or try to help everyone at once, I think now is a time when we think about how to help everyone at once, but there is never certainty as to where everyone is at in terms of what they have come to accept about life and their interactions or who they know and recognize for that matter. Your insecurities are your own deficits, nothing that anyone else is responsible for, the world is a nice place, but unless there is something to question about you, well don’t expect people to be warm to you as though you’ve finally made it in life after having gone through a lot and put through the ringer so to speak. I called #scotus today and 911 to discuss the words I was cautious of accepting was coordinated to mean anything related to anything else, but made clear which words stood out to me. I can’t explain what mental health issues are like, but youre in bed all day, and everyone is disappointed in you, you are unmotivated, tired on meds, and you don’t function like you used to and its hard to get going again, and I don’t know why that happened to me in life. My first effort to get my life back on track was applying to another school, and the second effort was to become a runner, I ran almost everyday for years, and achieved a body type I had never had before in life, that to me was skinny at 120s-130 lbs. Then we didn’t really have that many clothes, retail wasn’t in its height yet for affordable casual clothes, I shopped at a random boutique in the valley “Styles for Less.” At what point do financial issues start, post getting in trouble or failure, it then becomes an issue of what you are doing with your life, and to not be given more options than is necessary to get done what needs to get done, that’s being left “hungry” in life, its supposed to make you try harder, and put you under pressure, had no one been upset with you, you would have not recognized how you not doing well affects others, who never thought to worry about you, and if so, deserved an explanation for what was going on with you, with mental health issues, you just wander, you don’t really know or understand what it is about you that’s so distant, but its obvious to others who are social and comfortable talking to one another, being presentable, means that you are alert to your surroundings, so don’t go through life ignoring everyone, if they are not aware of whats going wrong for you, you certainly at that point cant blame others less involved in your life for that matter. Don’t get too lost on your own in life, its always okay to ask for help, and if you are not sure what to do with your life, go back to school, intern, and try again applying for a paid position, you might not know when youre ready, and no one will tell you what is in error that makes you unhireable, but it will not be all the things that are keeping you from working, that’s the difficulty, what you should not talk about, and then having to explain a gap in your resume, without divulging disability, Im not sure why that’s not justified, and I suppose there could have been some other theory of association between incidences and failures, to assume who was or was not on board with everyone, doing well, I guess then they assume if you were not doing well, meant that you weren’t feeling good by others, at a time when others were feeling good, means that you had problems of your own, that people cant help you with, that’s when you get introduced to the concept of therapy when you are made to talk, for years I tried therapy and would not talk much in sessions, and sometimes request to leave early, if I really had nothing to talk about, it wasn’t until messenger and writing, that things came out of me and issues, I guess thinking and speaking I don’t perform the same as I do in communicating through writing. Why all the prevention hashtags? To me its better to try to help than say nothing at all, and wait or wander had I said something then they could have been aware of an issue not to bring up that could be upsetting or lead to a series of withdrawals socially or professionally as though one or the other is assuming fault for the others actions or inactions, that’s not how to view people and companies, as though they secretly let one another know their stance in life on issues, by collectively including or excluding them, I think life hurts half accepted, which is why it feels like non-acceptance, or a long wait period between not feeling well, and everything feeling suddenly pleasant around you, I guess that’s the point at which you have won over secondary concerns of you, by anyone who has heard of you and thinks they know what you are about or thinks that you are too much to be included in an important story in history an insignificant figure trying to be an important figure, as though your life was embellished in any way to create importance out of a life, that upon living you were not already viewed that way, left alone, not bothered, east to approach, you can’t really change that fact about you in life what makes you social and what attracts people to you in life, it will always be feeling good you have things in life and not feeling good having a little bit less of everything. 

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